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Upgrade Your Life With Stoic Secrets: Amor Fati, Facing Fears & Taking Action
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00:00:00 Hello listeners
00:02:30 Beyond Radical Acceptance: Amor Fati
00:07:36 Tip 1: Define the event as objectively as possible
00:08:37 Tip 2: Have a mantra
00:09:36 Tip 3: Focus on action, focus on solutions
00:11:18 Negative Visualization
00:18:24 Stoicism and CBT Combined—the “What-If” Technique
00:30:08 Be Honest with Yourself
00:36:39 Keep It Simple with the Two-Column Exercise
• The ancient Stoics were masters of living in the present.
• One way of rethinking your relationship to the past is to adopt the Stoic attitude of amor fati. This translates roughly to “love of one’s fate.” Whatever happens is embraced, wanting “nothing to be different.” To practice it, look at events as neutrally as possible and then respond to them with a simple mantra like “good.” By focusing on action and solutions, we are able to transform adversity.
• Negative visualization is where we occasionally spend a short amount of time imagining in detail the negative things that could happen in life. This renews appreciation and gratitude for what matters, allows us to prepare for the future, and creates psychological resilience.
• With the “what-if” technique, we write down a fear and ask, “What if this were true?” and explore the worst that could happen, showing ourselves that it is tolerable and not so bad after all. Likewise, remember Memento mori, Latin for, “remember that you will die” to help remind you of what matters.
• Problem-focused thinking zooms in on what’s wrong. Solution-focused thinking zooms in on what could be right and looks to taking action to change the situation. Thinking needs to be balanced with action. Focus on the problem needs to be balanced with focus on the solution.
• Remember the Serenity Prayer and try the two-column exercise to help you identify what you can change and what you can’t. Accept what you can’t, act where you can.
• Ask what you want and value, then ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing, thinking, or feeling bringing me closer to that?”
Transcript
Hello listeners, welcome to The Path to Calm on April 8, 2024. Stop overthinking, become
Speaker:present, find peace.
Speaker:Are you feeling anxious? Today's episode dives into powerful tools to manage worry and find
Speaker:your inner peace. We'll be exploring concepts from the book Anti-Anxious by Nick Trenton,
Speaker:a well-respected author you can learn more about on his website at bit.ly slash
Speaker:Nick Trenton. But before we jump in, let's take a deep breath together. Inhale slowly
Speaker:through your nose for a count of four, hold for a count of seven,
Speaker:and exhale completely through your mouth. Let go of any tension and come into the present
Speaker:moment. Ready? Let's begin.
Speaker:Long before the first psychiatrists and psychologists began to make their models of human suffering,
Speaker:the ancient Stoics had a fully developed understanding of the human condition
Speaker:and a philosophy of living they believed to be the most balanced and rational.
Speaker:The fact that so many modern people still find solace and strength in these ancient principles
Speaker:is a testament to how useful they really are. The Stoics were masters at living in the present.
Speaker:They saw clearly that the answer to negative thinking and especially anxiety and worry
Speaker:was to come back to the only place you actually have any control, the present.
Speaker:The past matters, but it should be studied and learned from and then forgotten. The future
Speaker:also matters, but we should not obsess uselessly over it. Instead, we should use what we have
Speaker:right now to make plans to prepare for the worst and set in motion projects that will serve us best.
Speaker:Beyond that, the future too should be forgotten. After all, it'll arrive in due course one way
Speaker:or another. Beyond radical acceptance, amor fanti.
Speaker:One way of rethinking your relationship to the past is to adopt the Stoic attitude of amor fanti.
Speaker:This translates roughly to love of one's fate and is a sentiment that is sadly not common
Speaker:in modern hearts and minds. With this attitude, one does not merely tolerate one's fate,
Speaker:but embraces it, loves it. Whatever happens in life, and that includes all the painful,
Speaker:confusing, and difficult parts, is welcomed and appreciated as something beautiful and,
Speaker:in its way, necessary. In his book, In Curridion, Epictetus advises us,
Speaker:do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to. Rather, wish that what happens the way it
Speaker:happens, then you'll be happy. In other words, learn to want what is, and you cease to fight
Speaker:against anything. He tells us in a later work, The Art of Living, that prudent people look
Speaker:beyond the incident itself and seek to form the habit of putting it to good use.
Speaker:In his famous work, Meditations, Much Love Stoic Philosopher Marcus Aurelius says,
Speaker:Universe, whatever is constant with you is constant with me. If something is timely for you,
Speaker:it's neither too early nor too late for me. Nature, everything is fruit to me that your
Speaker:seasons bring. Everything comes from you. Everything is contained in you. Everything returns to you.
Speaker:Can you feel the enormous sense of relief in that passage?
Speaker:These philosophers suggest that we quietly bear our misfortunes and be strong,
Speaker:but they're taking it somewhat further. Our misfortunes, with the attitude of Amor Fati,
Speaker:are, in fact, not things to bear and endure and tolerate, but things to embrace.
Speaker:If reality itself is seen fit to make certain things occur, who are you to argue? In fact,
Speaker:why should you do anything other than be glad that events have unfolded in the way they have?
Speaker:This way of thinking takes some time to digest, since it is so radically different from the
Speaker:typical sense of regret, dissatisfaction, and resistance most of us are taught to eliminate
Speaker:when it comes to our lives. Although the original principles came from Stoic philosophers like Seneca
Speaker:and Aurelius, it was also the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche who revived the theme in his book
Speaker:at Cehomo saying, My formula for greatness in a human being is Amor Fati, that one wants
Speaker:nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity, not merely bear what is
Speaker:necessary, still less conceal it. All idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary,
Speaker:but love it. This is a profound paradigm shift. What do you think your life would be like if you
Speaker:genuinely wanted nothing to be different and embraced every event past, present, and future
Speaker:as something marvelous? This sentiment goes beyond accepting what is,
Speaker:and the Buddhist philosophers would certainly understand this point. It's about being
Speaker:decidedly enamored with all the shapes and contours of one's own life.
Speaker:Nietzsche continues in his book The Gay Science, I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful
Speaker:what is necessary in things, then I shall be one of those who makes things beautiful.
Speaker:Amor Fati, let that be my love henceforth. I do not want to wage war against what is ugly.
Speaker:I do not want to accuse. I do not even want to accuse those who accuse.
Speaker:Looking away shall be my only negation, and all in all and on the whole,
Speaker:someday I wish to be only a yes-sayer. Here Nietzsche hints at the enormous potential
Speaker:that the Amor Fati attitude can bring about. If we not only accept but love what is our fate,
Speaker:we give ourselves the opportunity to find, create, or amplify any possible beauty, meaning,
Speaker:and power in those events. We can transfigure and transform them. We go from being
Speaker:reactive struggleers against reality, always saying no to those who have gratitude, curiosity,
Speaker:and positivity built in everything they do, so that there is nothing that they cannot say yes to.
Speaker:If all of this sounds overly abstract, don't worry, there are very simple ways to cultivate
Speaker:Amor Fati in your own life right now. Tip 1, define the event as objectively as possible.
Speaker:Remember that a thing is only good or bad because of the perspective you're taking on it.
Speaker:What is a tragedy for one is a blessing for another and completely neutral for a third.
Speaker:Try to look at events without the veil of your own resistance, judgment, or opinion spread on top of it.
Speaker:To do this, write down an account of the event in the plainest, most neutral terms you can imagine,
Speaker:as if you were an uninvolved third party watching from afar. Do not put any interpretations,
Speaker:emotions, or opinions into the mix. When you read this back to yourself, you'll see how much more
Speaker:manageable it is. Tip 2, have a mantra.
Speaker:Jaco Willink is an ex-Navy seal and an author, and his mantra for all difficult or unpleasant
Speaker:situations is simple. Good. He says, when things are going bad, don't get all bummed out,
Speaker:don't get startled, don't get frustrated. No. Just look at the issue and say, good.
Speaker:Now, I don't mean to say something trite. I'm not trying to sound like Mr. Smiley Positive Guy.
Speaker:That guy ignores the hard truth. That guy thinks a positive attitude will solve problems.
Speaker:It won't. But neither will dwelling on the problem. No. Accept reality, but focus on the solution.
Speaker:Take that issue, take that setback, take that problem, and turn it into something good.
Speaker:Whatever mantra you choose, say it out loud to yourself when you catch yourself feeling
Speaker:decidedly not in love with your fate. Okay. Thank you. So it is. Yes. I welcome it.
Speaker:Tip 3, focus on action, focus on solutions. It would be a big mistake to assume that loving
Speaker:one's fate is the same as being a passive, defeated fatalist. In fact, the opposite's true. Only when
Speaker:you fully and completely embrace what is, can you properly engage with your full range of choice,
Speaker:agency, and power. We should love what is, but that doesn't mean we forfeit our chance to have a
Speaker:say, take action, and attempt to influence that reality. When we love a challenge, we transform
Speaker:it into an opportunity. When we love our flaws and weaknesses, we start to see that they can open
Speaker:doors to our evolution and growth. When we love our enemies, we can begin to see them as teachers.
Speaker:When we love our tragedies, accidents, and losses, they begin to feel to us like gifts.
Speaker:Take a look at the problem you've described and ask about your scope to change it.
Speaker:Think of what you can do, break that task down into smaller chunks, and then commit to taking
Speaker:the very next step right now if possible. If we only ever resist adversity, say no to reality and
Speaker:fight against it. All those potential gifts, opportunities, lessons, and insights are lost.
Speaker:When you really think about it, is it such a wonderful thing to always get what we think we
Speaker:want? Do we really want to live in a world where we're never challenged, never uncomfortable,
Speaker:never surprised, or humbled? Negative Visualization
Speaker:The Stoics called this technique Primaeditatio malorum. Modern motivational speakers and self-help
Speaker:gurus warn against entertaining the worst possible outcomes or dwelling on negativity,
Speaker:but for the Stoics, this activity actually had some value. The idea is that you occasionally
Speaker:spend a short amount of time imagining in detail the negative things that could happen in life.
Speaker:By doing so, you generate a renewed appreciation for all the things you do have.
Speaker:It's like you recalibrate, remembering what's important and putting your current concerns
Speaker:and worries into perspective as you find more gratitude for what is already working well for
Speaker:you. More than this though, negative visualization is intended to put you back in control and take
Speaker:the sting out of worries and anxieties. When we insist on avoiding any negative premonitions at all,
Speaker:we don't give ourselves the chance to plan and prepare for them, and in a way, we give them
Speaker:more power over us. In his 45 BC text To School In Disputations, Cicero explains,
Speaker:I'm ready to borrow of the syriniax, those arms against the accidents and events of life,
Speaker:by means of which, by long premeditation, they break the force of all approaching evils, and,
Speaker:at the same time, I think that those very evils themselves arise more from opinion than nature,
Speaker:for if they were real, no forecast could make them lighter.
Speaker:In his letter to Lucilius, Seneca echoes this sentiment by saying,
Speaker:he robs present ills of their power who has perceived their coming beforehand.
Speaker:Elsewhere, he writes, I will conduct you to peace of mind by another route. If you would put off
Speaker:all worry, assume that what you fear may happen will certainly happen. Whatever the evil may be,
Speaker:measure it in your own mind, and estimate the amount of your fear. You will soon understand
Speaker:that what you fear is either not great or not of long duration. But this technique is not just
Speaker:for use when times are tough, but when things are going well too. In Epistles 186, he says,
Speaker:it is in times of security that the spirit should be preparing itself to deal with difficult times,
Speaker:while fortune is bestowing favors on it, then is the time for it to be strengthened
Speaker:against her rebuffs. In the midst of peace, the soldier carries out maneuvers, throws up
Speaker:earthworks against a non-existent enemy, and tires himself out with unnecessary toil in order to be
Speaker:equal to it when it is ready. If you want a man to keep his head when the crisis comes,
Speaker:you must give him some training before it comes. In other words, if we wish to be mentally tough
Speaker:and resilient, we need to train ourselves to endure possibly negative outcomes, just as an
Speaker:athlete trains themselves to be strong in the face of physical adversity. Granted, the stoic mindset
Speaker:can seem a little alien at times, and their advice may sound strange to our modern ears.
Speaker:Exactly how can you apply negative visualization in your own life? And how is it different from
Speaker:simply catastrophizing? Think of the aim of the exercises as threefold. When you practice
Speaker:negative visualization, you're increasing gratitude for what you have right now, desensitizing
Speaker:yourself to adversity, and increasing your tolerance and resilience to it, and allowing yourself to
Speaker:prepare for negative outcomes. To hit all three aspects, here's an exercise to try.
Speaker:1. Start by writing down one to three things that are very valuable to you, whether they're
Speaker:material things like a house or laptop, or something abstract like a relationship,
Speaker:good health, talents, or time. This can also work well if you pick something that's currently
Speaker:causing you trouble. 2. Once or twice a week, sit down somewhere quiet to meditate for five
Speaker:minutes on what your life would be like without these things. How would you feel?
Speaker:Explore the scenario in detail, pulling no punches. 3. Then dig deep and imagine what mental,
Speaker:physical, and emotional resources you could draw on to deal with such a loss. In what ways
Speaker:might you be able to survive? 4. Finally, end the exercise by thinking of a few
Speaker:ways you could minimize the loss of such a thing should it ever happen for real.
Speaker:After you contemplate loss in this way, is there something in your present behavior that
Speaker:needs to change? And your meditation session with a quiet moment letting your fresh insights sink in
Speaker:and welcoming a sense of tranquility? Let's consider an example. Eve is having a difficult
Speaker:time with her job. It's not the best fit for her and is causing a lot of day-to-day stress that
Speaker:frequently makes her consider quitting for something less intense. She begins to practice
Speaker:negative visualization twice a week and one day she picks my job as something to meditate on.
Speaker:She's been in the habit of thinking negatively about this job for months now,
Speaker:but for five minutes she does the opposite and considers what would happen if she suddenly
Speaker:lost this job tomorrow. She explores the feelings that come up. There's relief, yes,
Speaker:but she also realizes that the sudden lack of salary would be terrifying and that she'd have
Speaker:to hunt for a new job, also an awful prospect. She pictures herself walking around her flat with
Speaker:little to do during the day and imagines how she'd have to tighten her belt with spending until
Speaker:she secured another position. She can also see though how she'd cope. She knows that with effort,
Speaker:persistence, and drawing on her various networks, she could find a new job one way or another.
Speaker:When she comes out of her meditation, she has a new subtler perspective on the issue.
Speaker:Though the problems are all still there, she's able to actually be grateful for the job,
Speaker:warts in awe, and sees that her position is not so bad as she thought it was.
Speaker:She decides to take action. She will quit her job, but she will do so strategically.
Speaker:She commits to getting a resume up to scratch and starts looking for possible positions,
Speaker:all without leaving the comfort of her current job just yet.
Speaker:The next day, all the same work stresses and irritations are there, just as they were before,
Speaker:but Eve is less bothered by them, more assured about her own ability to manage any outcome,
Speaker:and actively shaping a future outcome she'd most prefer.
Speaker:Stoicism and CBT combined the what-if technique. A useful CBT technique is inspired loosely
Speaker:by the spirit of stoic negative visualization and is an interesting approach to use in the face of
Speaker:negative thinking, anxieties, and worries. The process is simple but powerful. Step one,
Speaker:write down a future event or potential outcome that is causing you some anxiety.
Speaker:Step two, ask yourself the following questions. What if this were actually true?
Speaker:What is the worst that could happen, and is that really so bad?
Speaker:Write down the answers to this question, including any negative thoughts and worries that it inspires.
Speaker:Step three, in response to these new fears, ask the same questions again.
Speaker:Repeat the process on those answers and so on. Keep going until you arrive at a core fear and
Speaker:realize that it would not in fact be the end of the world. For example, step one, I'm worried I'm
Speaker:never going to meet anyone. Step two, what if this were actually true? What's the worst that could
Speaker:happen? Answer, if I never met anyone, I'd have to live the rest of my life alone without a partner.
Speaker:I'd never find anyone to love. Step three, you'd never have anyone. You'd be alone, etc. What if
Speaker:all of this were actually true? Answer, I'd be devastated. It would mean that I was totally
Speaker:unloved. I'd miss out on a big part of life. Step three again, you'd be devastated, unloved,
Speaker:and missing out on a big part of life. So what if that were really true? Would it really be that bad?
Speaker:Answer, well, it wouldn't be the absolute worst thing that could ever happen, but it would be
Speaker:pretty bad. I'd have to go to events on my own, live alone in a house. Living alone in a house
Speaker:is that really that bad? Well, I guess it's not the end of the world.
Speaker:Often when we're trying to make ourselves feel better, we may inadvertently run away from,
Speaker:deny, or avoid our fears instead of facing them head on so that we can see that they're not
Speaker:actually as serious as we've told ourselves they are. Take a look at the worst thing you can imagine.
Speaker:Is it really that bad? Really? With this technique, we stop running and turn around to
Speaker:face our fear instead. What is the actual shape and size of this fear? Is it the end of the world,
Speaker:even if it is as bad as you guessed? Hidden in the core of many anxious beliefs is a deeper belief
Speaker:that I can't cope or I can't bear it, but this is usually not true. People can and do cope with
Speaker:all sorts of things. It's not what you prefer, and it's not what you want, but it's doable. It can
Speaker:be managed. If you subtly change the way you think about it, it can even be reframed as something of
Speaker:value. Do this exercise and you'll realize that living all alone in a house is actually a secret
Speaker:fantasy of many coupled people. They might do the very same exercise as you, but begin with the
Speaker:terrible fear they can't cope with. I never get to be on my own or have my own space.
Speaker:When this technique is combined with Amor Fati and a little negative visualization,
Speaker:the problem can take on all sorts of interesting new dimensions. You start to open up to all the
Speaker:ways that you actually love living alone on your own terms, and that in its own way,
Speaker:never finding anyone to love is simply one more thing that gives color and flavor to your unique
Speaker:and beautiful life. Some of the world's most fascinating, accomplished, and self-actualized
Speaker:people never partnered up, not despite their lack of life partner, but in many cases because of it.
Speaker:Consider what would happen if you instead refused to entertain any negative premonitions about this
Speaker:fear. If you instead said to yourself, I refuse to be anxious about this. I'll meet someone one day
Speaker:and spend your time on guided visualizations where you picture yourself meeting your soulmate.
Speaker:What then? Well, you might meet someone. But what if I don't?
Speaker:Your positive visualization has then left you with enormous expectations and very few
Speaker:resources to deal with their disappointment. By not engaging it, the fear becomes bigger.
Speaker:Besides, the person with the fear of being alone, who is temporarily in a relationship,
Speaker:has not genuinely addressed that fear, just masked it. The moment they find themselves alone again,
Speaker:they will find the fear still there, just as it always was. So the question is,
Speaker:who has the most mastery over their fear? Someone who quickly finds a way to run away from it?
Speaker:Or someone who can look squarely at it and not be afraid anymore?
Speaker:Remember that you must die. Speaking of fears, let's dive into what is arguably
Speaker:humankind's biggest one, death. Memento mori is Latin for remember that you will die.
Speaker:How would you live your life if you knew that at the end of this week, it would all be over for you?
Speaker:Well, you'd probably be unwilling to waste a single moment and would take extra special care
Speaker:to live well, whatever that means for you. You wouldn't get hung up on the opinions of people
Speaker:you don't care about. You wouldn't struggle through difficult books because everyone else
Speaker:thought they were good. You wouldn't tolerate bad behavior from those around you. You wouldn't
Speaker:continue in a pointless job that didn't make use of your talents. Here's the truth, though.
Speaker:This little thought experiment is not an experiment at all. You really will die. No,
Speaker:not at the end of the week, if you're lucky, although what proportion of people who are
Speaker:reading these words right now won't be so lucky. But eventually, sooner than you think most likely.
Speaker:The intention with remembering this is not to make you depressed or defeated, quite the
Speaker:opposite. It's to invigorate you, to inspire you to grasp with fearsome gratitude the miracle of
Speaker:your life right now, and to remind yourself that once this life is over, it's over. If we have
Speaker:dreams and desires, the time to make them happen is now. If we have fears and vices controlling us,
Speaker:the time to unshackle ourselves from them is now, because one day in the future,
Speaker:it is an absolute guarantee that we will no longer have the time to do either.
Speaker:Tomorrow, when you wake up, remind yourself that you are alive. When you go to bed,
Speaker:remind yourself that you do not have infinite nights like these, and one day you will lie down
Speaker:for the last time. In the novel, All the Light We Cannot See, author Anthony Doerr says,
Speaker:open your eyes and see what you can with them before they close forever.
Speaker:If time is limited, don't you want to find a way to make all your worries, adversities, and
Speaker:problems mean something? If time is limited, don't you want to live in such a way as to squeeze
Speaker:every last drop out of the pleasures you've been gifted?
Speaker:What is your orientation, solution, or problem orientation, thought, or action?
Speaker:Imagine a group of four friends is traveling together, but as they assemble at the airport,
Speaker:they realize that one of them has forgotten his passport at home.
Speaker:In the time it would take him to go back home, fetch it, and return,
Speaker:the plane will have already left. The group erupts into anxious chatter.
Speaker:Friend one, I can't believe I've done this. I am such a moron. I'm so sorry. I had no idea, really.
Speaker:I've never done something like this before. Oh man, what are we going to do? This is awful.
Speaker:Friend two, it's okay. It's not your fault. You probably were just rushed when you packed this
Speaker:morning. Do you remember where you might have left it? Friend three, we're not going to make it.
Speaker:We can't go home now. He'll make us all late. No way he can come with us now. It's impossible.
Speaker:We'll be late. Friend four, I've had a look online. There's a flight
Speaker:leaving two hours after this one. It'll cost $150 to switch flights,
Speaker:but we still have time to do that. We three can go ahead and meet you on the other side.
Speaker:Each of us has a unique way of looking at life, and it goes beyond negative or positive.
Speaker:Some of us focus on problems like friend one and friend three, others on how the problem came to
Speaker:be and its details, friend two, and still others focus on solutions like friend four.
Speaker:In the above example, though, all four friends are facing the same issue,
Speaker:it's their response to it that makes all the difference. Problem-focused thinking zooms in
Speaker:on what's wrong, solution-focused thinking zooms in on what could be right. In our example, friend one
Speaker:and friend three are only looking at the fact of the problem, and the result is that they complain,
Speaker:express negativity, or blame one another. They hold on to the negativity feeling associated
Speaker:with the situation and keep holding on to it. They exclaim again and again how stupid it was to
Speaker:leave a passport at home, how bad it would be if they missed the flight, how unfortunate the whole
Speaker:thing is. But friend four is not looking at all this. They're looking at solutions and actions.
Speaker:What can be done? Let's be clear. In this example, both interpretations are possible.
Speaker:There's no doubt that this is a frustrating and terrible situation to be in. Friend four, however,
Speaker:isn't oblivious to these things, they're just not focused on them. Likewise, it's not that friend
Speaker:one or friend two can't agree that there's probably a solution to their problem. They're
Speaker:choosing in this moment not to focus on it. You can probably see that the big difference between
Speaker:being problem-focused and solution-focused is acceptance of reality. Friend four has essentially
Speaker:said to themselves, yes, the whole thing is annoying, but we can't change that now,
Speaker:and dwelling on it won't bring us closer to fixing the problem.
Speaker:Once you start becoming aware of problem focus, you'll suddenly see it everywhere. This attitude
Speaker:is sadly too common, with many people unconsciously defending their negativity by saying, I'm just
Speaker:being realistic. Here lies a real danger, being firmly problem focused while incorrectly assuming
Speaker:that you are solutions focused. You believe, in other words, that your negativity and dwelling
Speaker:on the problem is how the problem gets solved. Be honest with yourself, do you have a problem-oriented
Speaker:attitude? Most people who do don't think they do. Radical honesty is a must. Have you ever said,
Speaker:why is this happening to me? Or complained about how unfair something is? Do you ever go on at
Speaker:length about what you wish was the case, but clearly isn't? Do you even consider yourself
Speaker:uniquely unlucky, or that there's something about you in particular that elicits a bad outcome from
Speaker:the universe at large? Chances are, you are predominantly problem-focused. Problem focus,
Speaker:or out-of-power language as discussed above, is passive, reactive, and negative by definition.
Speaker:It often shows itself in a few characteristic ways. One, asking why of a problem.
Speaker:Two, complaining. Three, assuming a victim role. Four, blaming others. Five, self-pity. Six, framing
Speaker:things in terms of fairness. For example, you get on the scale one morning and discover that you've
Speaker:gained ten pounds over Christmas. Big problem. With a problem focus, you think, why is life so
Speaker:unfair? Why is everything that makes you fat so delicious? It's all that garbage everyone pushes
Speaker:you to eat over Christmas. With my bad metabolism, I never stood a chance. And now I look awful in
Speaker:my clothes. I just can't believe it. Can you hear the refusal to accept reality in the above?
Speaker:Do you also notice that there isn't really an answer to the question, why is life so unfair?
Speaker:It's a bad question. In fact, it's not a question at all, but a complaint.
Speaker:And it makes several poor assumptions, mainly that life is unfair. If the unfairness of life
Speaker:is your starting position, you're framing yourself as a poorly treated victim and concluding that
Speaker:there is nothing to be done about it, except wine. This immediately shuts you off from your own agency
Speaker:and, from a very obvious fact, you can lose the weight if you try. However, having a solutions
Speaker:focus is not about magically seeing a million ways to fix a problem. It's more the frame of mind that
Speaker:believes that there is a solution in the first place. Being solutions-oriented doesn't mean you
Speaker:instantly become a formidable problem solver, barging through life's obstacles with ease.
Speaker:It simply means you are open enough to ask, what can I do here? And to follow through on that.
Speaker:By the same token, being problem-focused isn't always a bad thing. Problem-focused people are
Speaker:good at analyzing situations and seeing exactly where a breakdown has occurred and why. However,
Speaker:unless they eventually move into solutions-focused, they'll continue to dwell on the problem indefinitely
Speaker:and never give themselves the chance to convert their insight into action and to change things.
Speaker:Being too solutions-focused may mean that you lack nuanced understanding of the problem
Speaker:and race into fixed things that you don't really grasp, just because you can't bear
Speaker:facing the discomfort of the problem for too long. So it's a question of balance.
Speaker:Thinking about a problem is useful, but it needs to be combined with concrete action.
Speaker:Noticing, understanding, and analyzing the problem is a valuable thing too,
Speaker:but only if it's combined with a focus on the solution too.
Speaker:For an extremely problem-focused person, everything they look at is a problem,
Speaker:and even if they're offered a solution, they can instantly identify what's wrong with it.
Speaker:Have you ever played a game of yes, but with someone who is determined not to have you solve
Speaker:their problems for them? On the other hand, for an extremely solutions-focused person,
Speaker:everything looks like a solution, including things that really aren't.
Speaker:What's worse is that they may be so keen on finding a quick fix that they skip over the
Speaker:part where they analyze and understand the problem they're supposed to be fixing.
Speaker:You've probably met someone like this before. There's a constant and almost frantic hopping
Speaker:from one promising idea to the next without stopping to understand the problem better first.
Speaker:Because this is a book about the question of negative thinking and how to overcome
Speaker:self-sabotaging thought patterns, there's a good chance you struggle more with being
Speaker:overly problems-focused rather than two solutions-focused. So for now,
Speaker:we'll ignore that possibility and look at how to be less problem-focused.
Speaker:What is your attitude to problems? Do you instantly throw your hands up and get angry
Speaker:or defeated, wondering why life has dealt you this blow? Do you get so focused on negative
Speaker:feelings that you become obsessed with them, unable to see beyond them? Do you go into victim mode
Speaker:and unconsciously hope that someone else will come and rescue you somehow?
Speaker:These are difficult questions, and the way we individually face problems is a complex topic.
Speaker:We may have learned this behavior as children when our core beliefs about ourselves and our
Speaker:capacities were laid down. We may have had formative experiences that taught us
Speaker:not to expect too much or to have little faith in our own problem-solving abilities.
Speaker:More broadly, we may simply have the attitude that life is bad and difficult and unfair,
Speaker:so when a problem occurs, our response is more or less, so what else is new?
Speaker:For now, one important theme is to remember that negativity is a perspective. It's not
Speaker:truth, but a particular view on the truth, and this view is one that's chosen, which means
Speaker:a different point of view can be chosen. The next time you feel yourself facing a problem,
Speaker:try the following stoic-inspired exercise to help you acknowledge the problem
Speaker:without letting yourself get distracted from the task of finding a solution if there is one.
Speaker:Keep it simple with the two-column exercise.
Speaker:The stoics believe that those things in life that cannot be changed must be born with dignity
Speaker:and fortitude, but that it is also our duty to do our best to work at those things we can change.
Speaker:Resilience and strength, but never resignation and passivity.
Speaker:You might have seen this sentiment echoed in the serenity prayer, which goes,
Speaker:grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Speaker:the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Speaker:We can apply this to our own lives every time we face a problem by using a two-column technique.
Speaker:It's simple to do. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle to create two columns.
Speaker:Label one things I can change, and the other things I cannot change.
Speaker:Now spend a few moments thinking about the issue that's bothering you,
Speaker:and honestly assign its various aspects to one column or the other.
Speaker:If you'd like, you might choose to do a kind of brain dump beforehand,
Speaker:just to tease out all the elements of your problem.
Speaker:This is also an excellent practice to combine with any CBT techniques or exercises where
Speaker:you're fleshing out your core beliefs. Once you have thoroughly dissected the problem this way,
Speaker:it's time to start processing. Recall the skills of radical acceptance and amorfati.
Speaker:You'll need this attitude when dealing with things in the cannot change column.
Speaker:Unless you apply a degree of acceptance and embrace what is, you risk getting trapped in a
Speaker:problem-focused loop, complaining, blaming, or acting the victim. For things you can change,
Speaker:you will need a solutions-focused approach, and switch your mode into action.
Speaker:For things in this column, ask yourself the following questions.
Speaker:What can I practically do to address this problem? What do I need to prepare or plan for?
Speaker:What's the first step I need to take? What do I need to learn?
Speaker:Who do I need to ask for help? How can I remove the current obstacle standing in my way?
Speaker:How can I break the bigger task into smaller ones so that I can act right now?
Speaker:You may discover that you prefer to have three columns, one for what you cannot control,
Speaker:one for what you can, and a third column for things that you have partial control over.
Speaker:The rest of the process is similar. Ask yourself what can be done, and then commit to taking actions
Speaker:toward that goal. That portion that is not in your control can be let go, while you can carefully
Speaker:extract the portion that you can do something about, even if it's just a small thing.
Speaker:Let's return to our earlier example of discovering that you've gained weight over Christmas and
Speaker:aren't too happy about it. Your two-column list may look like this, things I can't change,
Speaker:the fact that I've gained 10 pounds, what I did and what I ate in the past,
Speaker:things I can change, what I eat and what I do now and in the future, how I talk about the problem,
Speaker:and how I talk about myself. As you look at the second list, the next actions to take are obvious,
Speaker:commit to eating better, exercising, and refusing to blame anything or anyone else for choices you
Speaker:made in the past. For the things you can't change, well, it's worth spending the time to acknowledge
Speaker:that, yes, you have gained weight and, yes, it's probably your own fault, but don't dwell on it.
Speaker:Negativity is useful only in the sense that it creates insight that drives us to evolve.
Speaker:Learn what lesson you can, then move on. You serve nobody by beating yourself up or getting
Speaker:obsessed with guilt, shame, blame, or regret. A variation on this exercise is even quicker,
Speaker:identify what it is you want, and then ask yourself, is what I'm doing, thinking, or feeling,
Speaker:bringing me closer to that? If you're overweight and unhappy about it, then you probably want to
Speaker:lose weight. Notice yourself blaming Christmas, complaining about your metabolism, or focusing
Speaker:on how bad you feel in your clothes, and ask if any of it brings you closer to losing weight
Speaker:and being happier with yourself. No? Then it's useless. Have the serenity to just let it all go.
Speaker:Instead, become curious about the kind of things you'd feel, do, and think. If you were
Speaker:someone who is losing weight right now, then do that. Yes, it will take courage. In the end,
Speaker:it's not that being solution-focused is always superior to being problem-focused,
Speaker:rather, as the Stoics understood, it's about the wisdom of knowing when to apply one and not the
Speaker:other, and in what proportion. Summary
Speaker:The ancient Stoics were masters of living in the present. One way of thinking your relationship
Speaker:to the past is to adopt the Stoic attitude of Amor Fati. This translates roughly to
Speaker:love of one's fate. Whatever happens is embraced, wanting nothing to be different.
Speaker:To practice it, look at events as neutrally as possible, and then respond to them with a simple
Speaker:mantra like, good. By focusing on action and solutions, we're able to transform adversity.
Speaker:Negative visualization is where we occasionally spend a short amount of time imagining,
Speaker:in detail, the negative things that could happen in life. This renews appreciation and
Speaker:gratitude for what matters, allows us to prepare for the future, and creates psychological resilience.
Speaker:With the what-if technique, we write down a fear and ask, what if this were true,
Speaker:and explore the worst that could happen, showing ourselves that it is tolerable and not so bad after
Speaker:all. Likewise, remember Memento Mori, Latin for remember that you will die to help remind you
Speaker:of what matters. Problem-focused thinking zooms in on what's wrong. Solution-focused thinking zooms in
Speaker:on what could be right and looks to taking action to change the situation. Thinking needs to be
Speaker:balanced with action. Focus on the problem needs to be balanced with focus on the solution.
Speaker:Remember the Serenity Prayer and try the two-column exercise to help you identify
Speaker:what you can change and what you can't. Accept what you can't, act where you can.
Speaker:Ask what you want and value, then ask yourself, is what I'm doing, thinking, or feeling bringing me
Speaker:closer to that? Thanks for joining us on The Path to Calm. We hope you've gained some
Speaker:valuable strategies from today's episode on overcoming anxiety based on the concepts in Nick
Speaker:Trenton's Anti-Anxious. Remember to stop overthinking, become present, and find peace.
Speaker:If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review. Remember visit bitly slash
Speaker:Nick Trenton to connect with our author from today's book and explore his work further.
Speaker:Until next time, be well.
