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Understanding And Overcoming Your Brain's Negative Bias

Published on: 29th July, 2024

Calm Your Thoughts: Stop Overthinking, Stop Stressing, Stop Spiraling, and Start Living By: Nick Trenton

Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/CalmYourThoughts


00:00:00 Calm Your Thoughts

00:05:28 Why You Get Anxious.

00:10:59 The Science Behind Your Brain’s Negative Bias.

00:14:14 It’s All About Control.

00:22:23 Keeping Cool, Calm, And Collected.

00:29:01 A Regulation Framework.

00:37:27 The Abc Loop.

00:49:02 Emotional Dashboarding.

00:57:55 Worry Postponement.

01:06:19 Using The Five Whys.


https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0982ZKTX8


Stop letting negativity drain all of your energy, leaving you unable to see the brighter side of life.


A noisy brain is the biggest cause of unhappiness. It prevents us from seeing what possibilities lie before us. Life turns into a minefield rather than a set of new opportunities. Let's change this - right now.


Don't be your own greatest enemy.


Calm Your Thoughts is a book that understands where you’ve been through,the exhausting situation you’ve put yourself into, and how you lose your mind in the trap of anxiety and stress. Acclaimed author Nick Trenton will walk you through the obstacles with detailed and proven techniques to help you rewire your brain, control your thoughts, and change your mental habits.


What’s more, the book will provide you scientific approaches to completely change the way you think and feel about yourself by ending the vicious thought patterns.


Learn to control your emotions and stay zen.


Nick Trenton grew up in rural Illinois and is quite literally a farm boy. His best friend growing up was his trusty companion Leonard the dachshund. RIP Leonard. Eventually, he made it off the farm and obtained a BS in Economics, followed by an MA in Behavioral Psychology.


Psychologically-proven tips to get out of your head and into your life.


-Emotional regulation frameworks


-Simple ways to understand your true worries and anxieties


-How to simplify cognitive-behavioral therapy for daily use


-Proven techniques for dealing with mental chatter and negativity


A day without worry, rumination, or anxiety. That could be yours.


No more self-deprecating talk. No more sleepless nights with racing thoughts. Free your mind from overthinking and achieve more, feel better, and unleash your potential. Finally be able to live in the present moment.


#BehavioralPsychology #Psychologicallyproven #Calm #CalmYourThoughts #GAD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorderwhen #NickTrenton #StopOverthinking #StopStressing #StopSpiraling #Trenton #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #CalmYourThoughts #ConquerAnxiety


Transcript
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Calm Your Thoughts:

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Stop Overthinking,

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Stop Stressing,

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Stop Spiraling,

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and Start Living Written by

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Nick Trenton, narrated by russell newton.

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With anxiety,

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life sometimes feels like a waking nightmare.

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It’s like a veil of negativity is thrown over everything you think,

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feel,

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and do.

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Life can feel claustrophobic as more and more restrictions seem to interfere,

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making it hard to be spontaneous or relaxed.

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And the worst thing is you may not even understand why any of it is happening,

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nor can the people around you.

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It may seem like people explain away your anxiety as a bad attitude,

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to being oversensitive,

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or simply expect you to cheer up because they’ve thoughtfully explained all

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the reasons why your fears don’t make any logical sense.| But it’s never

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that simple,

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is it?

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In this book,

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we’re taking a closer look at what anxiety is,

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how it works,

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and how you can learn to live a life that feels good to you despite

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experiencing anxiety.

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Stressful overthinking can feel like a trap,

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like something you can never escape or fix.

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But you can!

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If you’re ready to make a genuine change,

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to take care of yourself,

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and to take some powerful first steps toward a low-anxiety life,

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then this book is a great place to start.

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First things first - anxiety is a legitimate psychological phenomenon—you are

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not wrong or stupid or crazy.

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And you’re not a bad person just because you haven’t figured out how to

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free yourself from anxiety yet.

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I was diagnosed with GAD—Generalized Anxiety Disorder—when I was just

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eighteen,

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even though to be honest,

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the symptoms had been with me long before that.

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My life was ruled by FEAR. But today,

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I can honestly say that I have learned not to let anxiety control me,

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and one of the first steps to recovering was to let go of the habit of

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self-criticizing,

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self-blame,

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or feeling ashamed about how I was feeling.

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Now,

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anxiety is not your fault,

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but it is your responsibility.

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What I mean is that I didn’t choose to have anxiety—but I could always

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choose to do what it took to get out of its clutches.

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When I realized that I did have control over my life and that I had a say in

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how my life played out,

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I felt empowered to be better.

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It was (still is!)

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a long,

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personal,

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and challenging journey.

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But I don’t regret a thing—except perhaps not believing in myself and

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starting sooner!

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This book has been written for you if you have reached that point in your life

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where you feel like anxiety has you in its clutches and won’t let go.

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Anxiety is strange—while you desperately try to keep control,

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you feel more powerless than ever and at the mercy of strong negative emotions

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that never seem to switch off.

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Many of us have a particular picture of what “anxiety” looks like,

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but this picture is bigger than you may realize.

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Anxiety can play out in our work lives,

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causing us to feel self-doubt,

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imposter syndrome,

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or burnout.

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It can interfere with our relationships,

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coming between us and the people we love.

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It can wait for us in the wings,

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ready to sabotage our efforts and undermine our dreams and goals.

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It’s there in our family life,

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with our friends,

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when we look in the mirror.

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Anxiety is in our thoughts,

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but it’s also in how we feel and in every cell of our body.

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It’s tight muscles,

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frazzled nerves,

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upset stomachs,

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sweaty palms,

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headaches,

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and allergies.

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It’s lurking in our learned behaviors,

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every time we bite our nails,

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double check the front door,

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or turn down an invitation.

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What I’m saying is,

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I don’t quite know what anxiety looks like for you personally.

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I may talk about rumination,

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regret,

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low self-esteem,

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bad lifestyle habits,

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and rotten thinking patterns.

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Some of these things may apply to you and some less so.

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The anxiety tree has many branches,

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but I hope that as you read,

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you can recognize its roots in your own situation,

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even if it’s not exactly the same as mine or the people I give as examples.

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In this book,

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I want to teach you everything I’ve learned,

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and all the tips,

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tricks,

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techniques,

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and methods I’ve found to help you build self-compassion,

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upgrade thinking patterns,

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and take care of yourself,

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body and mind.

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The truth - it will take patience and stepping outside your comfort zone.

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But you can be a master of your lived experience,

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and you can absolutely discover joy and ease in your life again ...I know you

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can because I did.

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Like any change in life,

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it takes time and consistency.

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It takes courage.

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However deep the hole you’re in,

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you can climb out one step at a time to live that full,

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rich,

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and fearless life you were always meant to be living.

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Let’s dive in.

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Why You Get Anxious.

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So,

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you’ve obviously asked yourself,

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why me?

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Why do I have to suffer anxiety?

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The truth is that there is no single cause for anxiety,

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but many interrelated causes that all increase your risk or probability of

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experiencing overthinking,

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stress,

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and tension.

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Multiple causes can explain how some solutions (i.e. medication or C. B. T. )

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work for some people,

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but not others.

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We all have our own predispositions,

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but we are also blessed,

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however,

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with protective factors and inner mental resources that help us push back

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against anxiety—when these inner resources are overwhelmed or depleted,

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that’s when we have a hard time.

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We’ll look at the root causes of anxiety in more detail later on,

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but for now,

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here are just a few of the things that could be causing you to ruminate,

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worry,

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or overanalyze.

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(You’ll notice that none of them are reasons to beat yourself up—remember,

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it’s not your fault!)

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•A vicious cycle of learned behavior – You know how it goes.

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You are anxious,

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and you feel bad about that.

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You avoid activities,

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which makes you feel worse,

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and develop anxiety about your anxiety ...Anxiety is at heart a learned

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behavior and a coping mechanism (just not always the best one).

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But if you learned that behavior,

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then guess what?

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You can unlearn it.

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•A stressful lifestyle – A punishing work schedule,

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chaotic home life,

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or grinding financial pressures will take their toll.

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Are you a workaholic with insomnia and bad eating habits?

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Are you in bad relationships,

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abusing substances,

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or dealing with crisis after crisis?

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It’s no surprise you have anxiety.

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•Genes – Yes,

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there is a hereditary component to anxiety.

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Having “anxiety genes” doesn’t mean you will develop anxiety,

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only that you are more vulnerable to it.

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A tendency doesn’t mean your fate is written in stone,

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though.

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What you inherit from your parents is a potential range—your lifestyle and

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choices determine where on that range you fall.

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•Abuse and trauma – Whether that’s childhood trauma,

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a discrete upsetting event,

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or simply the ongoing,

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low-grade trauma of daily life.

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Trauma is measured on a personal basis—there is no official subjective scale;

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it’s all about what you find overwhelming and affecting,

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and feel unable to deal with.

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Anxiety can be the ongoing experience of carrying around unreleased or

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unprocessed trauma.

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Trauma can teach us maladaptive behavior patterns that help us cope in the

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short term but not so much in the longer term.

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•Life – Life itself causes anxiety!

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Even if we’re doing everything right,

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simple everyday life can be stressful.

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Sad,

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upsetting,

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or disappointing experiences can worry us,

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naturally.

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A string of negative events can make you pessimistic or fearful,

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burning out your coping mechanisms.

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Being constantly in a physiological fight-or-flight mode drains your inner

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resources and leads you to panic and eventually shut down.

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•Poor physical health – Your thoughts and feelings come from your brain,

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which is a part of your body.

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Body and mind are one interconnected entity.

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If you are unhealthy,

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it manifests in an altered neurochemical profile,

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hormonal imbalances,

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and a heightened biochemical stress response—and this feels like anxiety.

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But lifestyle and habit change is more effective at finding balance than merely

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taking medication for “chemical imbalance."

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Think of checking your thyroid,

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reducing substance use,

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or testing for deficiencies.

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Stress and anxiety are physiological as well as psychological—and if you’re

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already in poor health,

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it’s going to be much more difficult to deal with.

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•Dwelling on the past or worrying about the future – This is a mental habit

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that takes you out of the living present and forces your attention on what

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cannot actually be changed,

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leading to anxiety and paralysis.

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Negative thought patterns like catastrophizing,

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ruminating,

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and blame are similarly disempowering.

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If we focus on things that we can literally do nothing about,

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we feel apathetic,

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powerless,

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resentful.

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It’s a learned habit to force our focus on to those things we can change.

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•The environment – We are all affected by the weather and the people and

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places we are surrounded with.

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Seasonal depression or being surrounded by others who are always in floods of

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anxiety can affect us deeply.

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If you’re like most people with anxiety,

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the cause of your anxiety is probably a combination of all the above,

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each connecting in complicated ways with one another.

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But this means that if we improve just one area,

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it usually has a knock-on effect,

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improving other areas too.

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The Science Behind Your Brain’S Negative Bias.

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So,

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you’re in bed in the early hours and can’t sleep.

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You keep replaying a painfully embarrassing moment in your mind when you said

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something stupid and everyone stared at you in horror.

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It doesn’t matter that this event lasted four seconds and happened more than

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a decade ago—your brain is telling you that it’s absolutely crucial that

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you mull over it this very instant and decide once and for all whether those

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people are still all friends with each other and have been secretly talking

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about you all this time,

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agreeing on what an idiot you are.

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You’ve forgotten the compliments your coworker gave you earlier that day,

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the gift you received from your mom,

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and the smile from that stranger you passed on the bus.

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That’s all gone.

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All you can see is the horrified looks on your friends’ faces from deep in

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the past.

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Why?

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The answer is that your brain has a built-in bias.

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To put it very simply,

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your brain prioritizes negative information.

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The so-called negativity bias is what it sounds like—we all have an automatic

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heightened sensitivity to negative,

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threatening,

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or unpleasant data.

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Dr. John Cacioppo conducted experiments where he showed people various images

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(neutral ones,

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positive ones,

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and negative ones)

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and looked at the electrical activity in the cerebral cortex.

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He found that the brain always responded with stronger electrical surges to

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negative images than to positive ones.

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The theory goes that we evolved this tendency because it helped our ancestors

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to survive.

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Any negative stimulus in the environment could well signal a serious

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threat—so those of our ancestors who were ultra-tuned in to these signals

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could best evade them and have a survival advantage (i.e. you can thank your

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ancient grandparents for your pessimistic outlook!).

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Being quick to perceive positive information matters less,

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since it doesn’t confer any extra survival advantage.

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But this mechanism does mean that we overfocus on bad news and tend to forget

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about good news.

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This disproportionate emphasis on the negative means that even those of us with

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objectively good lives can still feel stressed and unhappy—some researchers

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suggest that we require a five-to-one ratio of good to bad (or higher!)

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to begin to perceive that good.

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For example,

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in a relationship,

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couples were more likely to rate themselves as overall satisfied if they had

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this ratio of good-to-bad experiences/feelings with their partner.

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However,

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it also explains how someone may not be tempted to stay with their partner if

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they had an even fifty-fifty split of negative and positive!

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What can we infer about the negativity bias?

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Well,

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first,

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that suffering from anxiety is not some sign that your brain is broken or that

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you’re doing something wrong.

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Rather,

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it’s simply a case of your natural and inbuilt negativity bias working

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against you.

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If we hope to overcome anxiety,

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we’ll need to counter this bias somehow and tip the scales back in the right

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direction.

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It’S All About Control.

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When you worry or overthink or ruminate over something,

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you already know that it isn’t rational.

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After all,

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you can calmly tell yourself all the reasons you should stop thinking about

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something ...but that doesn’t mean you can.

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You might constantly seek reassurance from others,

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try to calm yourself down,

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and chew endlessly over the same ideas until you feel worn out and trapped,

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unable to just tear your thoughts away from your obsession.

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But you can’t.

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When you’re trapped in a worry cycle that’s been going on for a while,

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it can seem like a jumble of stressful chaos that makes no sense.

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But in its own way,

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it does make sense.

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There is a clear trigger,

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and that is a lack of certainty.

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Let’s look at an example.

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You’re worried your girlfriend is thinking of breaking up with you.

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Something she said made you feel unsure,

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and now you can’t stop thinking about it.

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You are in a state of psychological arousal and feel unpleasantly uncertain.

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Your brain doesn’t want to be in that state,

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so it basically reasons with itself,

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“I don’t know what’s happening here,

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so I need to gather more information.

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If I can do that,

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then I can find a rational solution,

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and then,

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I won’t be worried anymore."

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Sounds like a good idea,

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doesn’t it?

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So,

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you get to work analyzing.

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You think and think.

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You dream up scenarios,

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pick apart past events,

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and think about possible outcomes.

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You ask people or read articles online.

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You ask your girlfriend directly if she’s going to break up with you,

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and when she says no,

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your discomfort somehow isn’t soothed,

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and you start to do more “research”—could she be lying?

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Why would she lie and how would you know?

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To soothe the feeling of uncertainty,

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your brain goes into analysis mode.

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But can you see how all this analysis is actually triggering more discomfort

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rather than soothing it?

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It’s tricky because the rationale seems good on the surface.

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Weighing the facts in an analytical way often does soothe you—at least in the

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short term.

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The trouble is that once your brain finds what looks like a solution,

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your analyzing mind will find another problem - “I asked her,

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and she said she was happy with our relationship."

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“Yes,

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but she could be lying."

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“But she’s never lied to me before."

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“That you know of.

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Maybe everything she’s told you is a lie and she’s so good at it,

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you can’t tell."

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“But then if she was unhappy,

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she would leave."

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“Maybe she is going to leave.

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Maybe she’s thinking about it right now ...” Your brain is trying to help,

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it really is,

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but it’s making things worse.

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Recall what set this whole process off - the desire to avoid the sensation of

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uncertainty.

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The problem is not that we are not in control or feel uncertain.

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The problem is that we are trying to avoid or escape the feeling of not being

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in control or uncertain.

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So,

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in trying to avert short-term discomfort,

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we actually create long-term discomfort for ourselves.

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The only way to stop anxiety at its source is to confront and face uncertainty

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and feeling out of control without experiencing it as something bad and

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unbearable—something that you need to run away from or protect against.

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You need to teach your brain that uncertainty is okay,

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not dangerous,

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and not a problem.

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You need to learn a new response—to no longer try to force control,

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but to practice acceptance instead.

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Remember that with worry and rumination,

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all your “research” is actually attempting to answer a question that is

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fundamentally unanswerable.

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Think about it.

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Is there anything in life that is one hundred percent completely free of risk

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and which you have total and absolute control over?

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So,

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if you are worried about the plane crashing,

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your brain can rattle off at a thousand miles an hour doing probability

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calculations ...or you can accept that sometimes,

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accidents do happen,

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that planes do crash,

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and that the second you step on board one,

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you are not in control of whether it does or doesn’t.

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Read that again - no amount of rumination will give you any more control over a

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situation than you naturally do.

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It only gives you the illusion of being in control—and a whole lot of anxiety.

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So,

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what causes a lot of anxiety?

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We are trying to avoid uncertainty by overanalyzing.

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But we don’t have complete control over how the future will play out.

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You may feel like if you can just answer your “worry question” once and for

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all,

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that will satisfy you and you can finally drop your rumination,

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but be honest,

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has this ever actually happened to you?

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Has there ever been an answer that allows you to say,

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“Okay,

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fine,

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I’m happy with that,” and stop worrying?

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There is actually only one way out of this spiral,

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and that is not to try to gain control,

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but to give it up.

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Instead of pushing against uncertainty,

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embrace it.

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Instead of trying to answer your worry question (“Does she still love me?"

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“Do I have cancer?"

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“Am I going to fail the exam tomorrow?”),

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deliberately practice leaving it unanswered.

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Don’t research,

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don’t Google,

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don’t ask others,

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don’t write a list,

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don’t think about it.

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Tell yourself that analysis is not the solution,

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but really just more of the same problem.

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This may feel like the last thing you want to do.

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You may be strongly tempted to panic,

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and your mind will keep returning to the unresolved problem,

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convinced that if you could just XYZ,

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then you could release the tension and be free.

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But it’s a trap.

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If you can sit with the feelings of uncertainty for long enough,

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eventually your anxiety will lower on its own.

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Returning to our example,

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perhaps you notice mounting feelings of panic and distrust as you worry if your

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girlfriend really loves you.

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But instead of boarding that anxiety train and getting carried away,

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you stop.

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You notice what you’re doing.

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You notice your body,

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your tense shoulders,

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how your breath catches in your throat (more on body awareness later on).

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You notice that little voice in the back of your head saying,

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“You could check her phone?

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Maybe that will resolve the issue for you ...” You stop.

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You realize that you are avoiding discomfort.

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You take a deep breath and just ...let the discomfort be.

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You do a mindfulness exercise and distract yourself.

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You keep breathing without trying to control.

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To your surprise,

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within fifteen minutes,

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your mind has moved on and it genuinely doesn’t seem to be the end of the

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world anymore that you cannot read your girlfriend’s thoughts.

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In time,

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you develop something special - emotional resilience,

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i.e. anti-anxiety.

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In the chapters that follow,

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I’ll be sharing many different technique approaches designed to loosen

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anxiety’s hold on your life.

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Most of them,

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however,

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will come back in some way to the cycle outlined above and attempt to teach you

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ways to control your emotions,

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halt overthinking,

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and become more mindful.

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Every human being must contend with uncertainty and doubt;

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those who suffer from anxiety may be encouraged to realize that they are not

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actually facing an extraordinarily high or dangerous level of

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uncertainty—only that their response is exaggerated.

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It can be a relief to see that you don’t actually have to control the rest of

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the world around you,

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but merely yourself.

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This is the path of learning self-regulation,

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emotional mastery,

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and psychological resilience.

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Chapter 2.

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Keeping Cool,

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Calm,

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And Collected.

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So,

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let’s dive in.

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What does it really mean to be good at emotional self-regulation?

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Maybe you picture someone who is the proverbial “cool,

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calm,

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and collected,” but how does someone genuinely find themselves in that state?

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To master anything,

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we need to understand it.

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Regulate Emotions.

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Emotions are wonderful things.

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They add color and meaning and dimension to life.

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They make it all worth it.

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But emotions are not always reliable.

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Recall that they are geared toward ensuring the survival of our species,

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but that’s a goal with somewhat lesser priority in daily life.

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Like other parts of you,

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your emotions (anxiety included)

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evolved for a reason,

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but that doesn’t mean we have to be at their mercy,

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especially given that modern life is so different from the one our brains

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evolved in.

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First,

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it’s worth noting that emotions,

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including negative ones,

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are not a mistake or a problem.

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They’re a normal,

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natural part of life,

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and we are not seeking to be free of them (does anybody really want to be an

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emotionless robot?).

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We know that suppressing them is not the answer either and that you should

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allow yourself to feel even your darkest of feelings so that you can release

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them.

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After all,

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suppression and denial cause their own problems,

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and you probably already know that simply ignoring how you really feel does

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little to make it go away.

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So,

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a person who is a master of emotional regulation is not someone who experiences

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fewer or less intense emotions.

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They are in charge of their emotions,

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rather than the other way around.

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There is a time and a place for expressing emotional needs,

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and sometimes you may just not be in the right situation to do so.

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Yes,

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you may feel positively filed with rage and anger,

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but if you’re sitting in a church during a somber funeral service,

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for example,

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you simply have to manage that emotion rather than letting it run wild.

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Regulating your emotions means dealing with your emotional needs in a healthy

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and socially acceptable way—consciously and deliberately.

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This chapter will explain how you can release your emotions in ways that

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won’t make you embark on a downward spiral.

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Emotions are a constant part of our lives.

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Every minute of every day we will feel something,

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and our emotions can change in an instant.

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There are highs and lows that you experience every day,

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and how you deal with them can significantly affect your mental state and

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well-being.

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Our ability to regulate the vast number of emotions that we feel also affects

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how the people in our lives perceive us.

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It can be difficult when you are caught up in these moments to regulate your

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emotions and think of the consequences,

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but the more you do it,

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the more it becomes habitual.

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The first and foremost way of thinking about emotional resilience and calm is

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the react versus response model.

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It is succinctly summed up in the image below - Overall,

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emotional regulation begins and ends with this image.

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To react to a situation means a complete lack of regulation because there is no

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thought.

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It is impulsive short-term thinking.

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If we touch a hot stove,

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we react by yanking our hand away as quickly as possible to avoid a burn.

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All we are focused on is immediate relief,

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and rational thought is not possible during this phase.

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To respond is to take time to consider the alternatives and make a decision

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based on the information you have.

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It may not always be the right one,

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but you won’t be acting on impulse or elevated emotions.

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This is where rational thought lives,

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and either healthy coping mechanisms can be utilized or the emotions are given

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time to process and freeze over.

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It isn’t just about controlling what you feel,

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but also about thinking rationally about what the best course of action is.

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Focus less on your intense emotional impulses and more on desired outcomes and

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rational decisions.

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This is obviously impossible in the case of the hot stove,

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but it’s very,

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very rare that we are encountering the emotional equivalent of a hot stove.

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The problem is that we continually view any transgression as something that

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requires an immediate reaction,

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and this becomes hardcoded into our habits until we are a walking volcanic

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reaction (and not response).

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Thus,

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the important part to recognize here is that you are probably so used to

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reacting that this chain of events cannot be mentally separated for you.

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For instance,

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when you wake up in the morning,

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you use the bathroom,

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brush your teeth,

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wash your face,

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and put your clothes on.

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Is it likely that you’ll forget any of these elements?

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No—because just like your emotional reactions,

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they cannot be mentally separated from the trigger.

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They are linked in a way that is so natural now that you cannot imagine any

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other way.

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Let’s imagine an example of a fight between a couple about where to spend the

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holidays.

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In this situation,

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it may have been that you both wanted to spend the holidays with your own

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family and that they wanted you to spend it with theirs.

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A reaction to this might mean that you immediately discount the other

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person’s opinions and assume that they want to control your actions or that

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your family doesn’t matter.

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Without even thinking about the purpose and weight behind your partner’s

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words,

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you simply begin to throw blame,

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feel anger,

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and then pick a fight about priorities.

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(Of course,

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there are some emotional needs being exposed here.)

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Responding would be entirely different.

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The first step of responding is to take a moment to think and ask why.

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The answer may be that they haven’t seen their family in a far longer time.

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What if they have a family member in ill health?

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What if they dislike your family,

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as your mother always lobs passive-aggressive statements about their weight?

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This brief pause of consideration allows you to understand the other person’s

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perspective and allows a rational discussion where both people will be

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satisfied or,

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at the very least,

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a conclusion will be reached.

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Responding is almost never easy,

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but it is simple.

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Differentiating between reacting and responding is the first step toward true

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emotional regulation and keeping even-keeled.

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It’s the first place where self-awareness can be your best friend.

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A Regulation Framework.

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After one or two instances where you’ve chosen the path of responding versus

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reacting,

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you may begin to see the value of keeping your emotions in check.

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It’s one of the most difficult tasks in the world,

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especially if you don’t have much practice with it.

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This is the first and arguably toughest step,

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and there isn’t much I can tell you about it other than to breathe deeply,

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make sure not to act when your heart rate is elevated,

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insert as much time as possible between the external trigger and your response,

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and continue to ask yourself on a constant basis,

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“Why am I feeling this?"

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Soon,

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you’ll require a new set of tools for greater emotional control.

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You’ll find that you are responding versus reacting,

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and yet your emotional state may not be upbeat or happy.

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You are still annoyed and peeved even though you haven’t acted out.

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This is where a framework for emotional regulation comes in handy.

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Of course,

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some emotional responses require no regulation—mostly positive ones.

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Laughing at a friend’s joke or crying during a sad film are acceptable

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behaviors in their specific contexts.

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If an emotion is appropriate and helps you feel better,

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then there is no need to regulate.

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For example,

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your impatience and anger at waiting in a long line.

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It might make you feel better,

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but it is neither appropriate nor productive.

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How can you regulate something like this by either expressing this frustration

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in alternative means or regaining your emotional composure?

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Stanford psychologist J. J. Gross came up with a five-step method for

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regulating emotion.

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The first step is to select the situation.

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This means that you should seek to avoid situations that trigger unwanted

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emotions in the first place whenever possible.

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If you have an allergy to peanuts,

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you can simply stay away from them.

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Imagine that you have recently decided to partake in a marathon.

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You’ve been training hard,

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eating healthily,

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and increasing your endurance.

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However,

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maybe you find that you lose motivation when you see others at the gym and they

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seem to be running so much faster than you or lifting so much more than you.

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This is where you can employ this step.

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Maybe you will go for more runs outside instead of in the gym.

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It doesn’t mean that you are escaping your problems.

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It simply means that to keep your emotions up,

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you chose not to surround yourself with things that might bring you negativity.

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Remove yourself from dangerous situations so you don’t have to regulate at

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all.

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You have more of a say than you think.

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The next step is to modify the situation.

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This is when you cannot employ step one.

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Let’s say that you work late and choose not to run outside because it’s

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cold and dark.

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You know that at the gym,

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you normally have feelings of inadequacy and you wish to reduce this.

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This is where you have to face the situation you have been trying to avoid,

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so you need to modify it to reduce its impact on you.

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You modify the situation to insulate your emotions by actively changing the

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terms for success.

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You alter your expectations to something that is more realistic and doesn’t

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set you up for failure.

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Just because you can’t go as fast as someone doesn’t mean you can’t run

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for as long.

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If you adjust the rules and make it so you are competing only with yourself,

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then you are in a can’t-lose situation.

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After all,

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you are the one writing the rules for yourself—why do you need to be so

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strict and harsh?

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The third step is to shift your focus.

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When you can’t avoid or modify a situation,

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you can always change what you focus your attention on.

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If you’re upset by something,

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you fixate on it to your own detriment.

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Instead of being preoccupied by runners faster than you,

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shift your focus to the gym-goers who are much,

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much faster than you.

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You can also shift your focus to yourself and your own running—perhaps you

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aren’t running so fast because you’re always distracted and discouraged.

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Concentrate on improving yourself and reaching your own goals instead of

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beating someone else.

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You don’t need to compete with anyone but yourself.

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Whatever negative thoughts seem to be taking your attention,

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switch to positive ones.

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See the brighter side and try to feel gratitude for what you still have and

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others don’t.

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It’s quite difficult to feel both gratitude and emotional turmoil

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simultaneously.

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Step four is to change your thoughts.

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At the core of our deepest emotions are the beliefs that drive them.

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By knowing this,

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you can change your emotions by changing the beliefs that sustain them.

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Your negative belief is that everyone at the gym is judging you for your

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failures—therefore,

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your emotions will reflect that.

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This is where you need to change your thoughts.

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To do this,

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think about how you view others at the gym.

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Most of the time,

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you don’t really care what they do,

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or you think their performance is better than yours.

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By that reasoning,

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what if they feel the same about you?

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Believe that people don’t judge and aren’t even paying attention to you,

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and your emotions will follow and relax.

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What is the evidence that your beliefs are true,

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and what is the evidence that they are not?

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If it helps,

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literally make a list and tally up the score.

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The fifth and final step of emotion regulation,

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when all else fails,

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is to change your response.

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This is true regulation.

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This is when no other steps of this process work and you find yourself feeling

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without limits.

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Maybe you feel utterly destroyed,

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decide to give up,

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and are very close to tears or rage.

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Take a deep breath to gather yourself,

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close your eyes,

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and pause.

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Gather your inner reserve and force yourself at least to change your facial

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expression and keep it in.

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You’re still in react mode.

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Obviously,

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you won’t be able to.

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I did mention that emotional suppression was unhealthy,

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but this is different because you are trying to make it to the point where you

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can respond instead of react.

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When we can reflect a bit more,

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often we will find perspective and a different and healthier way to respond.

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By pausing in your tracks and taking a few moments to let them dwell on your

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emotions,

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you will find that you can actively regulate them.

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Another similar model is called the STOPP Method,

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created by Carol Vivyan.

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STOPP stands for -

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•Stop ◦ simply pause and try not to let yourself be overcome by emotion

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761 00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:05,720 •Take a breath ◦ breathe deeply to keep your heart rate in check,

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and notice your breathing in a conscious effort to keep it slow and measured

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764 00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:14,960 •Observe ◦ ask what is going through your mind,

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determine where your focus lies,

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discover what you are reacting to,

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and try to name the feelings swirling through your brain

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•Pull back for perspective ◦ ask yourself what is really happening,

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try to incorporate different perspectives,

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understand how little it ultimately matters in your life,

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and remember to not instantly see disaster

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•Practice what works ◦ proceed with the best action you can take for

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the time being,

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remember your values,

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make sure you are responding rather than reacting,

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and focus on your main goals for the situation at hand Remember that inserting

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a delay between our intense emotions and our responses is always the end goal.

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None of the steps in these emotional regulation frameworks are easy.

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And at some point,

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the thrust of the next section,

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simply increasing your tolerance to emotional discomfort and anxiety becomes a

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necessary step toward resilience and calm.

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The more you can take,

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the less you need to regulate.

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You’ll recognize some common elements from the regulation framework we’ve

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just discussed.

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The Abc Loop.

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Sometimes we find ourselves falling into a loop where we are simply in an

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autopilot state of acting and thinking,

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which will always lead to undesirable outcomes.

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Your feelings get hurt,

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you shout and react,

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and you compound your negative feelings with guilt and shame.

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Or you face a new and scary situation with panic and avoidance,

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instantly convincing yourself that you cannot possibly rise to meet those

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challenges.

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If we’ve been engaging with these patterns for a long time,

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we might even have convinced ourselves that overthinking,

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overanalyzing,

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and rumination are the best,

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most rational path forward.

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In fact,

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you might think you are engaging in the framework of emotional regulation,

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and you might think that you are responding rather than reacting.

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But how can you know for sure?

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These automated actions are very difficult to see in the heat of the moment

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because we are so used to doing them without thinking.

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This is why building self-awareness and understanding the patterns of your

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thought and behavior are essential for emotional resilience.

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Without this,

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you will only be able to address the symptoms and not the cause.

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There are a few tools for this,

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and they emulate talk therapy in some ways because they force you to really

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analyze your actions and answer questions that you’d rather not.

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You’ll recognize a few elements of these tools from prior chapters,

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but there is always a different perspective in each new tool that can assist

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with self-awareness.

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The ABC Loop is a classic behavioral therapy technique that considers all the

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elements that contribute to a behavior.

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It stands for antecedent (A),

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behavior (B),

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and consequence (C).

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The middle section,

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the behavior,

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is often called the behavior of interest,

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and the technique works by looking at the before and after to understand why

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the behavior in the middle occurred.

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It’s also what you want to examine and regulate or control—hence,

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the increased scrutiny on it.

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In isolating these three elements,

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we can begin to understand what is actually happening in the external world and

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how it relates to the emotions we feel.

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Let’s begin with the antecedent.

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This is the environment,

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the events,

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or the circumstances preceding the behavior of interest.

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Anything that happens before the event that may contribute to the behavior

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would fall into this category.

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When identifying the antecedents,

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consider where and when they are occurring,

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during what activity,

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with whom they occurred,

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and what any others were doing at the time.

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Write down a mental snapshot of everything you can recall;

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you never know what might be pertinent to the ABC Loop.

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For example,

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perhaps you are someone who finds yourself constantly arguing with your parents.

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You might realize that most of the time you don’t even agree with what

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you’re arguing with,

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but you do it anyway.

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You want to stop this behavior so you think about the last time it occurred.

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Set the scene first.

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In this situation—dinner at your parents’ house,

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early afternoon—things were going fine,

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the television was playing,

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the topic of the future came up,

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and you were talking about your job and your career goals.

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This is the antecedent.

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Then we move on to the behavior,

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which is the focus of this technique.

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This behavior can either be pivotal,

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which leads to further undesirable behaviors,

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or distracting,

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which can interfere with your own life or the lives of others.

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In this case,

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the behavior is uncontrollable anger,

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which is pivotal because it causes stress and irrationality in other parts of

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your life,

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too.

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It is important to describe the behavior in full when looking back in hindsight.

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There is some overreaction on your part,

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a complete lack of listening and validation on their part,

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and the feeling that you must make yourself heard.

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In this situation,

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there are raised voices,

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dramatic gestures,

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insults thrown,

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and intentionally vicious comments being said,

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most of which were irrelevant to the actual argument.

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Last is the consequence of the behavior.

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This outcome is important because it is often one that reinforces the behavior.

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If the consequence is one that is genuinely undesirable,

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most unwanted behaviors will not be repeated,

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but if there is some sort of reward that is incidentally received,

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then the behavior will continue.

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In this case,

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the outcome may be that one of your parents,

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usually your mother,

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leaves the room upset and the dinner is cut short,

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whereby you then go home.

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However,

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you might feel that you have “won” the encounter by making your mother back

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down,

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and this would be a positive reinforcement to continue engaging in this sort of

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behavior.

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But is it actually positive if everyone has been worked up to a frenzy and is

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feeling the adrenal residue of a loud argument?

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You got a little piece of satisfaction,

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but it’s probably not a net positive interaction here.

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Now comes the analysis of the ABC. The antecedent,

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as mentioned before,

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is the family dinner.

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It is important to mention the last thing to happen before the behavior.

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In this case,

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it was questions about career goals and aspirations.

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Already we have identified an important factor of the situation.

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Considering this is the last casual question before the argument,

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it is clear that this is the catalyst.

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If you are looking back at your own event and are able to identify the

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catalyst,

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consider why it affects you so much.

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Do you always react in the same way?

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If you can identify what it is that catalyzes a behavior you want to stop,

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then you can focus on it and actively try to redirect your behavior when you

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encounter a similar situation again.

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This is where we also start to think about emotional triggers and needs.

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Why is this so triggering for you,

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and what need is it uncovering that isn’t fulfilled?

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This doesn’t happen with everyone,

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just your parents;

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why are they triggering you,

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and what emotional need is intensified with them specifically?

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The next thing to observe is the behavior itself.

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In this case,

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it is uncontrollable yelling,

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but it can be a whole range of different ones.

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Think about why it is that you choose this behavior.

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In this case,

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maybe you feel as if you’re not being heard.

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Maybe you want to exercise some control or authority or overcompensate because

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you are feeling cornered.

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Whatever the reasoning behind it,

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think about what purpose it serves.

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Usually,

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this is a coping or defense mechanism.

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But is it actually helping?

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Your purpose here is actually to make sure that your emotional need is either

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defended or fulfilled—is your behavior working toward that goal?

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If not,

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is there another way to behave to get a better outcome with regard to your

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emotions?

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Even if it is something as simple as taking a moment to calm down,

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leaving the situation,

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or telling someone that you are not in an emotional state to continue,

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find a way to redirect your behavior so that you produce a different emotional

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outcome.

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The last thing to consider is the consequence.

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If it is a recurring behavior,

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then that must mean you get some reward out of it.

Speaker:

In this scenario,

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your mother has left the scene directly after the argument and you are forced

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to go home.

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Maybe this is exactly what you want—to spend less time with your parents.

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Maybe you just want them to support your career,

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and when it seems they aren’t,

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then you don’t wish to be there anymore.

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Maybe you want to score a “win” over them or be the last person standing

Speaker:

and have the last word.

Speaker:

Have you learned anything from this experience,

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or is the consequence simply that you will double down on your behaviors from

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before?

Speaker:

Do you feel compelled to change anything to make it so that your antecedent

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isn’t triggered even worse next time and the behavior doesn’t keep growing

Speaker:

in proportion?

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An easy question to ask is the following - does the consequence make you feel

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good or bad?

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So now consider the overall outcome of this event that we have analyzed with

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the ABC Loop.

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We can see that we are emotionally triggered by some combination of our parents

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and the topic of the future and that there is a particular emotional need or

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pain that comes out in this setting (antecedent).

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Next,

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we see that our behaviors are a somewhat unhealthy response to this emotional

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need and pain and aren’t necessarily about the topic or setting by themselves

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(behavior).

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Finally,

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we observe that we’ve defended our emotional need and pain so hard that we

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cause turmoil in the relationship (consequence),

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and though this is a small victory for your emotional shields,

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it only makes the antecedent and behavior more likely to be amplified in the

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future.

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How can you change this sequence of events to make sure it doesn’t happen

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again in the future?

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It always starts with questioning yourself and asking why you feel such

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emotional pain—this is what leads to the behavior and then to the

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consequence,

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where the cycle repeats all over again.

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You can either cut off the conversation before the emotional pain reaches a

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boiling point,

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or you can make sure that the behavior is something that soothes you and helps

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you cope.

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For instance,

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if all you want is to be supported in your decisions,

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have a conversation that deals with this and leave it when it doesn’t.

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If there is something you don’t want to discuss,

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tell your parents that there are things you would prefer to be off limits and

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you might discuss when you’re ready;

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leave it if they keep pushing you.

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The ABC Loop helps you understand how to cut the cycle of lack of emotional

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control,

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and it explains why things tend to get worse over time,

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not better.

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It gives you the exact blueprint for better emotional resilience and calm -

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avoid or alter situations that can turn into an antecedent,

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and attempt to choose healthier behaviors when you are triggered.

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In the realm of anxiety and overthinking,

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the ABC model gives you something to hold on to when you may feel adrift in old

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patterns and unconscious mental habits.

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If you can recognize an anxiety trigger (for example,

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being evaluated by someone in a position of power)

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and know that it tends to elicit a certain behavior from you (panic,

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avoidance,

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a spiral of negative self-talk),

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then you can take steps to avoid the usual consequences (a panic attack or

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self-sabotaging at work). The Abc Loop. gives the opportunity to step outside

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of the loop rather than get tangled in it.

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You can switch from unconsciously reacting to deliberately responding.

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In other words,

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once you are aware of what is happening,

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you suddenly have something special - a choice.

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Emotional Dashboarding.

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We’ve seen that our brain has a natural,

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inbuilt,

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and inherited tendency to focus on the negative,

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and that anxiety and overthinking come from our desire to control what is not

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strictly under our control.

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But when we can become conscious of these patterns,

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we have the chance to respond with deliberation and agency,

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rather than react blindly.

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Emotional dashboarding is a similar process to the ABC Loop and is another way

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of helping you cultivate more conscious awareness and control over your anxiety.

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It also encourages stepping back from a situation to review your actions and

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reactions to break into your autopilot.

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While the introspective approach of emotional dashboarding is the same as the

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ABC Loop,

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there are a couple more incremental steps - Situation.

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Jot down the literal facts of the situation—details that couldn’t be argued

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by any observer.

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This means leaving out opinions and existing prejudice or bias.

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This will help you understand the circumstances around your anxiety,

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overthinking,

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or emotional outbursts.

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◦ A project is due tomorrow.

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◦ Your spouse’s family is arriving for the holidays.

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◦ You’re assigned a new supervisor.

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◦ You’ve moved to a new place after a breakup and are invited to a party.

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◦ Be very careful to be honest and neutral here—no interpretation,

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judgment,

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or clinging,

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just the facts.

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In a way,

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you are seeing the layout of the situation without your emotional engagement in

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it.

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Set the stage,

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so to speak.

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Thoughts.

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Recall the personal interpretations and thoughts that went through your mind

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when the first feelings of distress or avoidance came up.

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These are the beliefs and thoughts that are triggered by external events.

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Often,

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these are far more volatile and violent than the following examples because

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they lead directly to the next step of emotions and emotional needs and pain.

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Really try to articulate your inner monologue,

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as it can literally tell you everything you need to know about your mental and

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emotional state.

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◦ “I don’t feel like doing this”;

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“I shouldn’t have to."

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◦ “Last year they seemed judgmental about the appearance of our house."

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◦ “I’ve heard bad things about this person from people who’ve worked

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under him."

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◦ “I’m not sure I’m ready to mingle with strangers in an unfamiliar

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place."

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◦ Really dig into these if you can.

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Put words to the sensations and beliefs.

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It might not seem like it,

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but every action is preceded by a belief or thought that is itself triggered by

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the circumstance.

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Slow your inner dialogue down to see what stories and beliefs are running

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through it.

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Emotions.

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Take a measure of the feelings you experienced during this conflict using only

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single emotion words.

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For our purposes,

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be sure to also think about the emotional need or pain that is being invoked.

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Make the connection from the external actions to your thoughts and to your

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emotions.

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See them as a continual cycle,

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a cycle that we are trying to understand and ultimately cut in favor of

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something healthier or happier.

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◦ sadness,

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boredom,

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irritation ◦ resentment,

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disfavor,

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annoyance ◦ anxiety,

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fear,

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concern ◦ dejection,

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tension,

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uneasiness When naming your reactions,

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ask yourself three times why these emotions came up.

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The repetition of the question will encourage you to go as deep as possible and

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get to the root of the problem.

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In the first example,

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what mental picture caused the sadness about the late project—fear that it

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won’t be good enough?

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Is the boredom because you feel it’s a routine that keeps recurring?

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Are you irritated because there was a social event you would rather have done

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tonight?

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Bodily sensations.

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Mark down the physical sensations you felt when experiencing the conflict.

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These can add clarity to your emotions,

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because while we can lie to ourselves,

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our bodies can only react and will almost always tell the truth.

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◦ heaviness,

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fatigue ◦ stomach upset,

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headache ◦ shoulder tension,

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increased heartbeat ◦ lightness in head,

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slight tremors in hands Be as literal as possible in describing bodily

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sensations.

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Avoid metaphors like - “My heart was jumping out of my chest."

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Instead,

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say,

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“I felt my heartbeat accelerating."

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Sometimes our bodies know something far sooner than our brains can register.

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Anxiety in particular is not just a mental phenomenon,

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but a complete bodily experience.

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Your anxious thoughts and feelings are the final and most obvious manifestation

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of the anxiety,

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but what does this anxiety look like in your gut?

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In your chest or on your skin?

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Impulses/actions.

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Write down your first instincts of what you wanted to do to relieve or avoid

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the conflict—things that made you feel good,

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distracted you,

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or minimized your attention to the preceding sensations.

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If these are relatively benign or healthy,

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that’s a good thing.

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However,

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if your first impulses are to retreat or get lost in overanalysis,

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then you know a chord has been struck.

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Something is happening within you,

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and it is being demonstrated through your actions.

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You are likely in the midst of an unconscious,

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repeating loop.

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◦ go to sleep,

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eat,

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space out ◦ watch T. V. ,

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surf online ◦ do “busy” work,

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make phone calls,

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scream a little bit ◦ drink alcohol,

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walk outside Like the ABC Loop,

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the practice of emotional dashboarding produces a sequence of events that can

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be broken down and assessed like a fictional story.

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Why did this happen,

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how can we prevent it,

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and what elements seem to be your downfall?

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The dashboard adds a few internal elements—internal conflicts and physical

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sensations—that play the same role that “motivation” serves in fiction.

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Recognizing those alterations in your feelings and thoughts can help you

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identify them when they come up again.

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This all may seem rather complicated,

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especially when anxiety seems lightning fast and irresistible in the moment.

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But just remember that you are not at the mercy of your anxiety,

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unless you agree to be.

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You can always stop and break down your experiences and work through them,

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consciously and on your own terms.

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Break it down -

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•Situation

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•Thoughts

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•Emotions

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•Bodily sensations

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•Impulses/actions At first,

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it may work to literally write all this down in a notebook,

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but in time,

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you can do this more automatically and see more easily how all the above blend

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into one another.

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Is the ABC model or the “dashboarding” approach better?

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In truth,

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they are variations of the same exercise.

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One method may seem more appropriate than the other,

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depending on your circumstances.

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You may want to use the ABC Loop when initially coming across a conflict,

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then the dashboard if it happens again or gets worse.

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If you notice a new pattern of anxiety emerging around your behavior with your

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work supervisor,

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for example,

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you may choose to run an ABC Loop first.

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If you keep having the same problems (for example,

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you keep avoiding,

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procrastinating,

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or self-sabotaging because of anxiety),

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you might want to run through the dashboard to see if you can gather additional

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insight about your deeper thoughts and feelings behind the behavior.

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It may simply be easier or more efficient just to execute an ABC Loop.

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Or perhaps your anxiety is so acute that you’d rather run the emotional

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dashboard.

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With honest self-inquiry,

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either method can help you make headway in discovering patterns and identifying

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troubling behaviors to change.

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But with both,

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progress starts with awareness—any time we can wake up and take conscious

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control,

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we make strides in combating anxious overthinking.

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Worry Postponement.

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One amazing (and amazingly simple)

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technique for putting the brakes on the anxiety spiral is called worry

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postponement.

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In fact,

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you don’t even need to suffer from anxiety to benefit from using it—it’s

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a great all-around stress management technique.

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A little like making a stress budget.

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Anxious and worried thoughts are kind of sticky.

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They have an intrusive quality.

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Once a threatening or negative thought pops into your head,

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it seems hard to shift or ignore.

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You can quickly get distracted since your brain thinks,

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“Oh,

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here’s what I really should be paying attention to!” and just like that,

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your attention and focus is pulled away from the present moment.

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So,

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what’s really happening is that worries are controlling you rather than you

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controlling them.

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A stressful thought comes along and cracks the whip,

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and you instantly obey.

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The mistake we make is to think that if a negative thought comes along,

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there is no other option but to focus on it.

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Remember our brain’s negativity bias and our information processing software

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that literally evolved to amplify bad news?

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It tells us that the threatening and scary thing always takes precedence.

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Now,

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if the worry is,

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“I wonder whether that tiger in front of me is going to try to eat me,”

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then obviously,

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prioritize that.

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But usually the worry is something like,

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“I wonder if Jenny thinks my presentation sucks,” or,

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“What if identity thieves have gone through my trash and discovered that

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journal I threw out by accident,

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and now everyone at the FBI knows my terrible secrets?"

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In other words,

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we give these thoughts priority when we really,

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really shouldn’t.

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Worry postponement isn’t saying you’re going to completely eradicate

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worries (yes,

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we all have them,

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even non-anxious people).

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It’s just saying you’re going to put worries in their proper place.

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Rather than jumping to attention every time some anxiety idea pops into your

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head,

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you make it wait.

Speaker:

You are in charge of where your conscious awareness goes.

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You don’t allow just anything to distract you or disrupt your focus.

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Worry postponement is exactly what it sounds like—a deliberate choice to put

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off worrying for another time.

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This is different from saying you won’t worry.

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This is more about taking control and managing your worry,

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proactively deciding how much of an impact you want it to have on your life.

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In the moment,

Speaker:

worry can seem so urgent and all-important.

Speaker:

It can seem non-negotiable that you turn every fiber of your being toward those

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thoughts and feelings.

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But actually,

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you have a choice.

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Worry postponement can be done in a few different ways,

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but it’s all about setting deliberate and conscious limits to worry.

Speaker:

Like drawing a little fence around it.

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One method is to limit the time period when you worry.

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For example,

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you get into bed at night and prepare to sleep,

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but your brain instantly switches into worry mode and brings up a thousand

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things it wants to stew over.

Speaker:

You tell yourself,

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“That’s fine.

Speaker:

I’m allowed to worry about that,

Speaker:

and I will.

Speaker:

But I won’t do it now.

Speaker:

I’ll schedule a specific time to worry about this later.

Speaker:

Let’s say,

Speaker:

tomorrow at 10 -00 a.m.

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Before that period,

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I won’t spend a single second thinking about any of this."

Speaker:

And then you do that.

Speaker:

If your mind wanders over to those ultra-important,

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life-or-death thoughts,

Speaker:

you can confidently tell yourself that it’s fine,

Speaker:

you’ll think about it,

Speaker:

just not now.

Speaker:

Chances are,

Speaker:

the worries are not all that time sensitive and can wait.

Speaker:

In fact,

Speaker:

you’ll be fresher in the morning and can bring your full brain to the task,

Speaker:

if you even still want to.

Speaker:

Tell yourself you have already done everything you need to do,

Speaker:

the worrying is ticked off the list,

Speaker:

and there is nothing outstanding for you to do right now.

Speaker:

Just sleep.

Speaker:

An alternative is to put limits on the duration of worry.

Speaker:

So,

Speaker:

you get up in your bed and tell yourself,

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“Right,

Speaker:

you want to worry?

Speaker:

Okay,

Speaker:

let’s worry.

Speaker:

But we are only doing this for five minutes,

Speaker:

and then we’re going to sleep."

Speaker:

Set a timer,

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worry your heart out,

Speaker:

and then stop.

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You may notice a few things with either of these techniques.

Speaker:

The first is that if you delay the worry,

Speaker:

you often don’t want to do it later anyway.

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The second is that even when you do permit yourself some worry time,

Speaker:

you’ll often notice that your anxiety levels are exactly the same before the

Speaker:

worry and after.

Speaker:

Meaning,

Speaker:

the worry time did precisely zero to help.

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In either case,

Speaker:

you are limiting and managing the effect that worry has on you and teaching

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yourself that you have a choice and are not at the mercy of distracting,

Speaker:

intrusive thoughts.

Speaker:

To practice this technique needs preparation and practice.

Speaker:

Set a time everyday when you purposefully worry.

Speaker:

Pick a time when you won’t be disturbed,

Speaker:

and when you’re likely to be in your best frame of mind.

Speaker:

Experiment a little and don’t be afraid to try a few different things before

Speaker:

it feels right.

Speaker:

I hear what you’re thinking,

Speaker:

though.

Speaker:

Maybe you’re wondering,

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“Sure,

Speaker:

sounds good,

Speaker:

but what if this time I really do need to worry about something?

Speaker:

What if this time it’s serious?"

Speaker:

Well,

Speaker:

let’s play devil’s advocate and imagine that occasionally,

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our worries and fears and ruminations actually are very important and need to

Speaker:

be considered immediately.

Speaker:

What we need is a method for distinguishing between those situations and simple

Speaker:

overthinking.

Speaker:

We can ask ourselves the question - is this worry a 1)

Speaker:

genuine problem that 2)

Speaker:

I can do something about right now?

Speaker:

Be honest.

Speaker:

The problem has to be both objectively critical,

Speaker:

but also actionable in that very moment.

Speaker:

Let’s say there’s a pressing work matter that’s eating you up inside.

Speaker:

It is indeed a real problem,

Speaker:

but let’s say it’s late at night and the one person you need to speak to is

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unavailable until morning.

Speaker:

So,

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the problem is genuine but you cannot do anything about it now.

Speaker:

Let’s say your child has a fever but is otherwise fine,

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but you could possibly rush them to the emergency room to be looked at.

Speaker:

This is a problem that can be acted on,

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but it isn’t that genuine a problem.

Speaker:

Finally,

Speaker:

imagine you’re worried a recent client is going to leave you a bad review.

Speaker:

In reality,

Speaker:

this is not really a serious problem (no business ever failed on the back of a

Speaker:

single bad review),

Speaker:

and there’s nothing you can do about it right now.

Speaker:

But what if it is a serious problem and you can act right now?

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Then act.

Speaker:

But act—don’t worry.

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Worry and overthinking are useless,

Speaker:

particularly when appropriate action is what’s called for.

Speaker:

Here,

Speaker:

you need to worry even less,

Speaker:

since having a calm,

Speaker:

clear mind is what will help you see the solution most quickly.

Speaker:

Unless your anxious thought is genuinely serious and you can do something

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sensible in the moment,

Speaker:

then postpone it.

Speaker:

Make the call in the morning,

Speaker:

sort it out later,

Speaker:

or just drop it for the time being.

Speaker:

Once you’ve decided that something is not worth worrying about,

Speaker:

be ruthless.

Speaker:

Imagine your mind is a dog on a leash and keep pulling it back to the present.

Speaker:

This is easiest to do if you engage all five of your senses to anchor you in

Speaker:

the real,

Speaker:

present moment.

Speaker:

Examine your environment to see if you can list three sights,

Speaker:

three sounds,

Speaker:

three smells,

Speaker:

and so on.

Speaker:

When worry time comes,

Speaker:

notice if the urgency seems diminished somehow.

Speaker:

Remind yourself that what once seemed urgent doesn’t stay that way.

Speaker:

Look with fresh eyes on concerns and anxieties.

Speaker:

Go into problem solving mode and see if committing to taking useful action

Speaker:

reduces your anxiety.

Speaker:

Sometimes,

Speaker:

the best thing you can do for a worry is to pull it into the real world,

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make it a practical problem,

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then act on it.

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https -//www.lifehack.org/820207/5-whys Using The Five Whys.

Speaker:

Sometimes overthinking takes a vague,

Speaker:

nebulous form,

Speaker:

jumping from one thing to the next.

Speaker:

Other times,

Speaker:

you’re anxious because of something you can definitely point to—for

Speaker:

example,

Speaker:

a difficult decision you have to make or a problem you have to solve.

Speaker:

Sakichi Toyota’s technique of the “five whys” is a useful framework to

Speaker:

guide your thinking into something useful and away from stressful rumination.

Speaker:

Start by defining the problem.

Speaker:

What is the issue,

Speaker:

exactly?

Speaker:

Let’s say your dog is barking and acting threateningly to the neighbors,

Speaker:

aggravating them,

Speaker:

and leading to them threatening a call to the authorities.

Speaker:

They tell you in no uncertain terms - you need to do something.

Speaker:

If you’re ruled by anxiety,

Speaker:

you may start to go down a spiral—what are you going to do?

Speaker:

Are they going to complain and the S. P. C. A. take your dog away?

Speaker:

Do they hate you now?

Speaker:

Is everyone in the neighborhood similarly angry?

Speaker:

But slow down and work your way through the questions.

Speaker:

Ask yourself,

Speaker:

why is this happening?

Speaker:

Why is your dog barking and harassing the neighbors?

Speaker:

“My dog is still young and an energetic breed.

Speaker:

During the days,

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she gets bored,

Speaker:

and I think she barks because she’s restless.

Speaker:

She doesn’t mean any harm!"

Speaker:

Now ask the question again .- Why is that?

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“Well,

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I guess she’s bored because she hasn’t had her walk yet.

Speaker:

I only walk her in the evenings."

Speaker:

Why is that?

Speaker:

“That’s the most convenient time.

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I can’t do it in the mornings."

Speaker:

Why is that?

Speaker:

“Because of my new shift pattern.

Speaker:

I need to get to work really early."

Speaker:

Why is that?

Speaker:

“Because we’ve retrenched half our team and I’m picking up all the slack!"

Speaker:

And there,

Speaker:

according to the method,

Speaker:

is your root cause.

Speaker:

It seems like a stretch to link your grouchy neighbors with recent changes at

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work,

Speaker:

but there you go.

Speaker:

Now,

Speaker:

you have a choice.

Speaker:

You can take steps to look for better work that doesn’t eat up all your time,

Speaker:

or arrange for a different shift pattern.

Speaker:

That way you can walk your dog,

Speaker:

and then she won’t bark as much.

Speaker:

Or,

Speaker:

you could pay a dog walker.

Speaker:

Granted,

Speaker:

this is a very simplistic example.

Speaker:

You’ll come up with different answers for bigger and more complex problems.

Speaker:

Occasionally,

Speaker:

more than five questions may be needed,

Speaker:

or fewer.

Speaker:

You might use this technique to quickly decide what to do about a minor

Speaker:

annoyance (you’re double booked,

Speaker:

now what?)

Speaker:

or major life decisions or dilemmas (you’re completely restructuring your

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business after a massive downscaling ...).

Speaker:

If your worry is aimless and formless,

Speaker:

this technique may not be appropriate,

Speaker:

but if your worry is spiraling out of control specifically because you’re

Speaker:

facing big problems and decisions,

Speaker:

take a deep breath and allow this method to cut through the clutter for you.

Speaker:

Keep asking why,

Speaker:

identify the root cause,

Speaker:

and then you are empowered to act to change that root cause.

Speaker:

What you’ll notice about this technique is that you need to start out with

Speaker:

the correct framing of the problem.

Speaker:

If you can and want to,

Speaker:

ask others for their input to identify any personal blind spots that may be

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influencing you.

Speaker:

For bigger issues,

Speaker:

don’t rush your answers.

Speaker:

Really pretend you know nothing and look at things with a fresh perspective.

Speaker:

Don’t answer what you think you should answer.

Speaker:

If you want to arrive at a truly insightful result,

Speaker:

you need to give meaningful answers along the way.

Speaker:

Here’s an example of a bigger issue - Problem .- I can’t seem to sell my

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house and it’s stressing me out.

Speaker:

What’s wrong with people?

Speaker:

Why is that happening?

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People are looking at the online listing,

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but nobody is booking viewings.

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Why would people look without booking a viewing?

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Maybe the house is nice but the price is too high.

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Why would the price be too high?

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Because I paid a lot for this house myself,

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and I’m terrified of losing some of that equity.

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So I’ve priced it so I make a small profit.

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Why do you need to make a profit?

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Uhhh ...I guess because I feel like I ought to sell it for more than I bought

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it for.

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If I’m honest,

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I think I paid too much.

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Why did you pay so much for this house?

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It was my first house and I was anxious I’d miss out.

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Now look at the problem again.

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Without delving deeply,

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the problem seems like,

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“What’s wrong with people?” but on closer inspection,

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the real impediment to a house sale is,

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funnily enough,

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psychological resistance rooted in anxiety.

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By following the questions,

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though,

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you can see for yourself that regret about paying too much in the past and

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resistance to losing any more money is preventing you from selling now.

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Instead of ruminating over it endlessly (“Why,

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why,

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why don’t people want to buy my house?”),

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you can simply take action that will address the root cause.

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You might work toward accepting that you made a poor financial decision and

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come to terms with the fact that you might lose some money.

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This means you can finally lower the price and,

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probably,

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sell the house.

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Be careful,

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though.

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The five whys are only useful if your worries have some genuine basis in

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reality,

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i.e. there is a real crisis they center around.

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You want to cut down on confusion,

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not encourage it.

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If you notice these five questions spur you to endless rumination and

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“research,” then stop.

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You’ll know the method isn’t working for you if you arrive at your final

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answer and still feel anxious and unsettled.

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Your best bet in that case is to stop,

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distract yourself,

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or engage in worry postponement until the anxiety subsides.

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Summary.

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•Tackling anxiety comes down to the learned skill of emotional regulation.

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Rather than deny or squash down our natural emotions,

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we learn to manage them consciously and deliberately.

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We do this by becoming responsive rather than reactive.

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•Becoming responsive is about pausing before we act in a situation,

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practicing impulse control,

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looking at our own motivations,

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beliefs,

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and thoughts,

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and finding healthy solutions to problems that go beyond anxious overthinking.

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•One way to be more responsive is to dissect situations in the ABC

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framework—antecedent,

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behavior,

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and consequence.

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We need to examine what precedes and what follows anxious behavior,

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and then work around it.

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Building self-awareness of your habitual patterns takes time and is seldom

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caught in the heat of the moment.

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But by engineering our triggers and outcomes,

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we can take control of our anxious behavior and change it.

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•Emotional dashboarding is a similar approach designed to introduce more

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conscious awareness and reduce reactivity.

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•We carefully analyze the factual situation,

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our emerging thoughts and beliefs in that situation,

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our resulting emotions,

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our physical sensations,

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and the impulses or actions that all of this inspires (i.e. anxious

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overthinking).

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When we are aware of all the precipitating factors,

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we can step in and avert falling into the anxiety spiral.

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•Worry postponement is a very direct and effective way of interrupting

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anxiety spirals.

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When you recognize yourself beginning to feel anxious,

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deliberately schedule a discrete time in the future to worry instead,

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and then continually bring your mind to the present.

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We can seldom eliminate worry from our lives,

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but we can consciously limit its time of onset and the duration.

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•Finally,

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the five whys is a method that can help you put definite and useful shape to

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vague worries and overanalysis.

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If you’re dealing with a real problem or crisis,

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the five whys can help.

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Define the problem and then ask what caused it—repeating the why question

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five times to arrive at the real root cause,

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which you can then act on.

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•Avoid this method if your anxieties are not attached to any real dilemma or

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decision.

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The questions are designed to elevate overthinking into clarity and problem

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solving—not more overthinking!

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This has been

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Calm Your Thoughts:

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Stop Overthinking,

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Stop Stressing,

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Stop Spiraling,

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and Start Living Written by

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Nick Trenton, narrated by russell newton.

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About the Podcast

The Path to Calm
Stop Overthinking. Become Present. Find Peace.
The Path to a Calm, Decluttered, and Zen Mind
Essential Techniques and Unconventional Ways to keep a calm and centered mind and mood daily. How to regulate your emotions and catch yourself in the act of overthinking and stressing. The keys to being present and ignoring the past and the future.

About your host

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Russell Newton