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That Voice Inside Your Head AudioChapter from Transform Your Self-Talk AudioBook by Nick Trenton
Transform Your Self-Talk: The Art of Talking to Yourself for Confidence, Belief, and Calm By Nick Trenton
Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/selftalktrenton
00:06:04 The Science of Self-Talk
00:12:27 Neuroplasticity is the key
00:14:28 The Dialogical Self Theory
00:15:46 The Relational Frame Theory (RFT)
00:34:31 Good Versus Evil
00:48:32 A Simple Cost-Benefit Analysis
00:52:23 How Negative Self-Talk Sabotages Your Life
00:57:17 Meet Your Inner Critic
01:07:45 Five Levels of Self-Talk
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08F4GKLSG
Change your self-critic into your biggest cheerleader.
Our behavior comes from our thoughts, and our thoughts come from our beliefs. Thankfully, our self-talk can change this entire sequence and allow us to control our own fate.
Quit self-sabotage and stop your negative thoughts before they happen.
Transform Your Self-Talk is all about changing the narrative you’ve told yourself your entire life. It’s probably disempowering and robbing you of the belief you should have in yourself. We shouldn't start our days facing defeat. This book will dissect every mental habit you possess and rebuild your self-talk from the ground up. Start each and every day knowing that it is yours to conquer.
You are what you believe. Will you take advantage of this?
Nick Trenton grew up in rural Illinois and is quite literally a farm boy. His best friend growing up was his trusty companion Leonard the dachshund. RIP Leonard. Eventually, he made it off the farm and obtained a BS in Economics, followed by an MA in Behavioral Psychology.
Stop living in your head and start living the life you want.
•The real science of self-talk and how it changes your body.•The true root of negative self-talk and self-esteem -- and what to do about it.•The role of cognitive behavioral therapy in changing self-talk.•Thought replacement and positive scripts.•Everyday self-care practices and exercises.
End your overthinking habit and live with self-esteem, compassion, and gratitude.
There’s no reason that you shouldn’t be happy, comfortable, relaxed, and confidence each day. Rescue yourself from your mental prison, break free, and seize the life that you want.
Change your self-talk and change your life: scroll up the click the BUY NOW button.
This is book 2 of the Mental and Emotional Abundance series, as listed below:1. The Empath Self-Care Blueprint2. Transform Your Self-Talk
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Transcript
TRANSFORM YOURSELF TALK, THE ART OF TALKING TO YOURSELF FOR CONFIDENCE, BELIEF, AND CALM.
Speaker:WRITTEN BY NIK TRENTON, NARRATED BY RUSSELL NEWTON.
Speaker:It's been so long sometimes. You barely even notice it—that little voice inside that
Speaker:quietly narrates, judges, encourages, explains, or interprets the world around you. Though
Speaker:you may recognize the concept of an inner voice from self-help literature, the fact is there's
Speaker:nothing abstract or mysterious about this inner chatter. Self-talk actually has a surprising
Speaker:body of scientific evidence behind it, informing a fascinating set of theories that seek to
Speaker:understand exactly what's happening when we talk to ourselves. In this book, we'll
Speaker:take a closer look at what self-talk actually is, the various theories that have been proposed
Speaker:over the years to explain the phenomenon, and the facts we've amassed so far about
Speaker:both its psychology and physiology. We'll discover the different types of self-talk,
Speaker:investigate why it happens, explore what's normal and what's not, and, most importantly,
Speaker:we'll see that self-talk can be changed for the better.
Speaker:As Bruce Lee famously said, as you think, so shall you become. Using a series of scientifically
Speaker:supported techniques to identify and improve your self-talk, you can take more conscious
Speaker:control of your thinking and perceptions, boosting confidence, self-mastery, and resilience
Speaker:in a challenging world.
Speaker:Self-talk is something we do every day, and this is partially why it's so hard for us
Speaker:to change. We don't even realize we're doing it. You wake up in the morning, and the second
Speaker:you open your eyes, the stream of thoughts starts flowing.
Speaker:What day is it? Oh, right, Tuesday. I mustn't forget that appointment this afternoon. God,
Speaker:I have such a bad memory. Why am I such an idiot all the time? I bet I'll forget it. Typical.
Speaker:I'm always doing things like that. Oh, look. It seems like it'll be a sunny day today.
Speaker:That reminds me, I have to get my mole scan done at some point. But what if it's cancer?
Speaker:But it's not going to be. I mean, it might be. That'd be just my luck.
Speaker:Grinette Matilda had skin cancer, I think. If I die of cancer, who would look after my kids?
Speaker:That would literally be the worst thing I could think of. But what's the point in getting it
Speaker:checked out? Doctors are all useless. Oh, that reminds me. You may not do all this every day,
Speaker:but you likely do some of this some days. Self-talk is that stream of conscious,
Speaker:ongoing internal dialogue that runs inside our minds, affecting every aspect of our lives,
Speaker:from our moods, to our behavior, to our self-confidence, to our appraisal of risk and reward.
Speaker:It's the constant conversation we have with ourselves. It can be neutral and mostly
Speaker:observational. Oh, right, it's Tuesday. Or filled with criticism, pessimism, doom, and gloom.
Speaker:I shouldn't try that. I'm not good enough. Often,
Speaker:all of the above become inseparable from the objective truth of a matter.
Speaker:Our inner self-talk is the built-in narrator that runs alongside our lives,
Speaker:playing over everyday activities and in the background of every action or decision we make.
Speaker:This narration colors the entire tone of our lived experience, telling us how to interpret
Speaker:both good and bad experiences and how to understand ourselves and our place in the world.
Speaker:It amounts to a narrative we tell ourselves, and this narrative is solidified well before we become
Speaker:adults. Importantly, self-talk can be unconscious or conscious, negative or positive, beneficial to
Speaker:our lives or working entirely against our best interests. With some awareness and effort,
Speaker:negative and self-defeating inner talk can be identified and changed,
Speaker:so that the voice in your head supports rather than undermines you.
Speaker:There are three primary types of self-talk. The most obvious type is negative self-talk,
Speaker:and the thought stream above is a prime example. These pessimistic interpretations, judgments,
Speaker:accusations, complaints, and catastrophic predictions leave us feeling awful.
Speaker:Some people, in some circumstances, might find negative self-talk motivational,
Speaker:but this comprises only a small percentage of negative self-talk.
Speaker:They said I can't do this, I'll prove them wrong, versus I'm not good enough to do it,
Speaker:so I just won't try. This is your inner self-critic, who always sees the glass as half-empty.
Speaker:He can be useful and warn us about certain dangers, but again, that only takes place
Speaker:a rather small percentage of the time. On the other hand, true motivational self-talk,
Speaker:or positive self-talk, is that which actively encourages and supports us as we navigate life's
Speaker:challenges, aim for our goals, or cope with difficulties. This can be an affirmation style
Speaker:phrase that you consciously use to correct biased thinking, or it can be simply smiling at yourself
Speaker:in the mirror before an interview and saying, I'm going to be great, I can do this,
Speaker:and I certainly deserve it. Neutral self-talk is the bulk of the internal conversation,
Speaker:and consists of simple observations and comments, while instructional self-talk is the kind of
Speaker:dialogue we have with ourselves to help us through certain tasks, sports, or performance.
Speaker:For example, keep looking straight ahead, easy does it, and okay, try again, but this time,
Speaker:focus on the ball. But even these statements can take a positive or negative tone, if not
Speaker:carefully managed. For the purposes of our book, we'll be looking primarily at negative and
Speaker:positive or motivational self-talk, and how to turn the former into the latter.
Speaker:The Science of Self-Talk In 1911, neurologist Dr. Gordon Morgan Holmes
Speaker:and Dr. Henry Head published a series of papers exploring the connection between the body and the
Speaker:brain. They related a story of Victorian women who at the time would have worn large,
Speaker:fashionable feather hats, and would sometimes duck to walk through a doorway, even when they
Speaker:weren't wearing the hats. Why? The idea is that a person's mind holds a mental picture of what
Speaker:their body looks like and acts accordingly. Dr. Branch Coslett of the University of Pennsylvania
Speaker:found over a century later in 2013 that women with anorexia did something similar. They angled
Speaker:their bodies through doorways as though to squeeze through, even when they clearly had enough room.
Speaker:Their mental image of themselves didn't match their actual selves.
Speaker:What these seemingly simple observations tell us is something rather important,
Speaker:that we all have a mental representation of ourselves that may or may not align with reality.
Speaker:We do need this internal representation, or else we bump into things a lot more often,
Speaker:but some studies suggest that to our brains, imagining certain actions is no different
Speaker:neurologically to actually doing them. It's not merely a mysterious suggestion that thoughts
Speaker:create your reality. There is a mounting body of evidence suggesting that the way you see yourself
Speaker:has a profound effect on your perceptions, your mental health, your behavior, and even
Speaker:things like your experience of pain and illness. Self-talk is the soundtrack that constantly
Speaker:informs us of these departures from objective reality, for better or worse. Better stated,
Speaker:self-talk is one of the mechanisms we use to establish and maintain this inner representation
Speaker:of ourselves. Using narratives and certain kinds of language, we employ considerable brain power
Speaker:to literally tell ourselves who we are, and it goes way beyond giving yourself a pep talk in the
Speaker:mirror or saying an affirmation. For a quick demonstration on the power of self-talk and
Speaker:just how specific it can be, Professor Ethan Cross of the University of Michigan published
Speaker:research in 2014 that showed using eye pronouns in self-talk caused more stress and precluded
Speaker:feelings of self-love when compared to using your own name or you. Have you ever spoken to yourself
Speaker:in the second person? E.g., John, you've done it again, or you're just tired right now. The
Speaker:linguistic distance created by this small shift is enough to remove you somewhat from your actions,
Speaker:allowing you to be kinder to yourself and give yourself more objective support.
Speaker:This small change in self-talk alone seems to help people act more rationally and self-regulate
Speaker:more effectively. We all know how much easier it can be to be compassionate towards others than
Speaker:ourselves. This shift in self-talk allows us to treat ourselves from the outside looking in.
Speaker:It's almost unfathomable for such a transformation to come from something so small,
Speaker:but that is indeed the basis of this book. Just how damaging our normal and frequent words to
Speaker:ourselves are and how much we can seize upon our potential with small changes.
Speaker:For another quick demonstration of this impact, psychologist David Sarwer asks his patients
Speaker:with eating disorders to stand in front of a mirror and use more neutral, non-judgmental language
Speaker:to talk about what they see. Instead of saying, my stomach is revolting and fat and my legs are
Speaker:disgusting, they practice saying, my stomach is round, my legs are pale, soft, and bigger at the top.
Speaker:The idea is that you change your life not by changing your life, but by first changing your
Speaker:inner representation of your life. Just as an anorexic will never feel good about their bodies no
Speaker:matter what they look like, it's no use tackling external phenomenon when the problem might lie
Speaker:with your inner perceptions. Just as we construct mental models of what our physical body looks
Speaker:like so that we can interact with the world, we do the same on a psychological, emotional,
Speaker:rational, and even spiritual level. It turns out Bruce Lee was right. The underlying message
Speaker:is what's important and not necessarily attending to the symptoms of something deeper.
Speaker:Dr. Shad Helmstetter is an independent researcher who studied and observed the Amway
Speaker:multi-level marketing business model as an outsider for many years. He was interested in what we all
Speaker:secretly say to ourselves, in their case what convinced people to join and buy into such an
Speaker:organization. He found that the way we talk to ourselves has profound effects on our self-perception
Speaker:which in turn goes on to affect our behavior, choices, opinions, identity, relationships,
Speaker:and more. This mechanism alone may explain why some people reach success while others seem to
Speaker:perpetually self-geparatize. Rather than believing that success is something meant for others,
Speaker:something that we have to be born with, or even just pure luck, Dr. Helmstetter tried to show
Speaker:that the basic architecture of success was all in the head. The brain, he says, begins to believe
Speaker:whatever is repeated most often. If you consistently program yourself with self-talk that is positive
Speaker:and supportive, with time you create a real physical reality that matches up with this
Speaker:representation of yourself. Whether it's in the area of business, relationships,
Speaker:family, learning, navigating life's challenges, or all of these, our lives reflect the self-talk we
Speaker:adopt and actually there's quite a bit of neuroscience to support this idea. Indeed,
Speaker:an entire area of brain study including habits, muscle memory, schemas, automatic actions,
Speaker:and heuristics is involved. Neuroplasticity is the key, i.e. the characteristic of the brain
Speaker:that means it can always change physiologically and psychologically. Neuroplasticity is how
Speaker:any type of habit is formed. It may be helpful to think of each repetition as wearing a small
Speaker:groove in the brain's pathways. The more repetitions of any given thought or behavior,
Speaker:the deeper the groove gets, and the more ingrained it becomes within us.
Speaker:This means that whatever story you're currently telling yourself, you can always stop and tell
Speaker:a new one, but it also means that the current story will be tough to shake. There is a physical
Speaker:consequence to the thoughts we hold and the stories we tell. Those with more negative thinking
Speaker:have actually been shown to have less neuronal development in certain areas of the brain
Speaker:than those who think positively, who develop more in the left prefrontal cortex of the brain.
Speaker:This is a big deal. It means that positive thinking is not merely some whimsical nonsense or a
Speaker:comforting delusion. It's a way of actually, literally and physically remodeling your brain
Speaker:to suit your own purposes. Besides the neuroplasticity angle of self-talk,
Speaker:there are two additional major theories. The first is basically that there are many discrete
Speaker:eye viewpoints within one person, and that these viewpoints engage one another in internal
Speaker:conversation, i.e., self-talk is essentially an inner dialogue between different parts of yourself.
Speaker:This is called the Dialogical Self Theory, DST. The other theory suggests that ordinary
Speaker:language and inner self-talk are basically the same thing, and are both relational.
Speaker:There is a two-way relationship between words and their meanings, and this relationship comes
Speaker:from within us and from the society we live in. This is called the relational frame theory.
Speaker:The Dialogical Self Theory
Speaker:The eye in self-talk can be many different people, a child, a parent, a worker, a partner,
Speaker:an adversary, etc. Each of these identities has different feelings, desires, needs, and fears,
Speaker:and sometimes they conflict with one another. The eye that is a diligent employee may conflict
Speaker:with the eye that is a loving parent, for example, missing time with your child because you often work
Speaker:overtime at a job you also love, and the resulting inner dialogue is one that can help us resolve
Speaker:the tension or else keep us feeling trapped and unhappy. Have you ever heard a judgmental inner
Speaker:voice only to realize it's not really your own, but the voice of an internalized parent,
Speaker:boss, or partner? This happens because the perspectives of others can become part of our
Speaker:own dialogical selves. Dialogical self-theory may be a useful theory to work with if you frequently
Speaker:find your self-talk arguing against itself, or you often feel guilty, unsure of who you are,
Speaker:conflicted, and so on. By asking how your various perspectives interact with each other,
Speaker:you can begin to find cooperation between them. The relational frame theory, RFT.
Speaker:Language, self-talk, and emotion are all constantly engaging with one another.
Speaker:Self-talk and language in general share one interesting characteristic in common.
Speaker:They are relational. This means that we respond to a stimulus in terms of another stimulus.
Speaker:Things are like or unlike other things, or they relate to them in hierarchical, special,
Speaker:or comparative terms. In other words, language constantly refers back to itself.
Speaker:Self-talk is also relational in this way, and all the symbols it uses are interconnected
Speaker:to one another every time we ruminate, overthink, self-criticize, or indeed self-praise.
Speaker:The benefits of language largely depend on how we use it. We can use language to dream up
Speaker:all sorts of novel and even impossible concepts, but we are always deeply affected by the language
Speaker:we use. It follows then that we should be aware of and willing to rework the relational frames
Speaker:we employ in our self-talk. Both theories are attractive and go a long way to explaining the
Speaker:phenomena that modern cognitive psychology research is investigating to this day.
Speaker:For our purposes, however, the most important takeaway is that self-talk
Speaker:is not a fixed fact of life, but can be changed no matter the mechanism through which it presents.
Speaker:These theories are focused on the why, and we're focused on the how to change and improve in this
Speaker:book. Self-talk as an amplifier. Talking aloud to oneself conjures up certain images,
Speaker:perhaps a mad scientist furiously muttering to himself as he works. You've probably heard the
Speaker:old wives' tales that talking to yourself means you're crazy, and many people are reluctant to
Speaker:admit it or feel embarrassed if caught talking aloud to themselves. Do you loudly chastise
Speaker:yourself for making a mistake? Give yourself a little pep talk in the bathroom mirror before
Speaker:a first date, or mentally say things like, okay, think carefully, where did you leave it? Don't
Speaker:panic. Rest assured, this is all perfectly normal. When you think about it, isn't this exactly what
Speaker:thinking is? Most of us are engaged in an almost non-stop stream of self-talk and talk to ourselves
Speaker:so often that we've actually become unaware of ourselves doing it. Inner talk is one thing,
Speaker:but people can worry that talking out loud to themselves is somehow different and spells trouble.
Speaker:Actually, it's a habit that is astoundingly common and can even help us process things better.
Speaker:For example, speaking thoughts aloud slows them down and heightens focused awareness.
Speaker:By activating our language centers, we concretize and formalize our thoughts into something we can
Speaker:work with more tangibly, and this often has the effect of calming us down. Self-talk has the
Speaker:capacity to amplify whatever you want, but it comes down to whether you can harness this power.
Speaker:Talking to yourself engages your metacognition and higher-order processing, and gives you a chance
Speaker:to process emotions. In fact, grasping the fundamentals of language and self-talk may be
Speaker:the very thing that helps us develop self-control as children, according to developmental psychologist
Speaker:Jean Piaget. An interesting 2001 study by Gruber and Cramon found that monkeys use
Speaker:different parts of their brain to do a visual matching task than they do an auditory matching
Speaker:task, but humans actually use both areas of the brain for both activities. However,
Speaker:the study also showed that humans can behave more like monkeys in this respect if they prevent
Speaker:self-talk, for example by saying mindless words like blah, blah, blah during the task.
Speaker:This study shows that self-talk has direct effects on our self-control of our behavior,
Speaker:or rather, it has the potential to aid us in broad and fundamental ways.
Speaker:A study by Alexander Kirkham at Bangor University showed that talking out loud
Speaker:enhances self-control when doing a task, more so than merely saying things quietly in your own mind.
Speaker:Concentration skills and overall performance were improved in those who spoke aloud as they
Speaker:completed a task, so the next time you talk aloud to yourself, be grateful for the hard work your
Speaker:brain might be doing for you. Occupational therapist Dr. Julia Harper explains, however,
Speaker:that just because self-talk is common and normal, that doesn't necessarily mean it's always beneficial.
Speaker:The way we talk to ourselves makes all the difference. It may seem fairly obvious,
Speaker:but the good kind of self-talk is all about neutral and helpful statements, using positive and
Speaker:supportive language, which frames things in a way that is more likely to inspire your success.
Speaker:In other words, the content and emotional tone of what you say matters most.
Speaker:Random and distracting thoughts running in every direction, mindless mental chatter,
Speaker:and an inability to focus on relevant information can in fact be bad for our mental health.
Speaker:An out-of-control, wandering mind may have us unconsciously linking ideas and making
Speaker:nonsensical associations that can lead to inappropriate responses or incoherence.
Speaker:But note that it's not self-talk per se that is the problem, but whether we're able to use
Speaker:self-talk properly and appropriately to serve our goals.
Speaker:When used with discernment, self-talk has plenty of benefits.
Speaker:A 2012 study in the Quarterly Journal of Experimental Psychology by Lupian and Swingley
Speaker:showed that people more quickly found lost objects when they repeated out loud the name
Speaker:of the object to themselves as they searched. Neuroscientist Dr. Don Vaughn also explains that
Speaker:talking out loud while studying boosts retention, and self-talk can act as a kind of spoken journal
Speaker:to help you work through difficult emotions. Self-talk is a way for the brain to organize
Speaker:its thoughts, solidify memories, regulate emotions, and plan future behavior. Talking
Speaker:aloud is no different from silent self-talk, but merely an extension of it. Ultimately,
Speaker:self-talk is not something that is only normal, but potentially very useful, if done consciously.
Speaker:We'll discuss becoming more aware of and mindful of inner talk later in the book,
Speaker:but for now, whenever you talk to yourself, commit to actually listening as well.
Speaker:Pause and take a moment to process. Ask yourself questions and give yourself
Speaker:support or encouragement. Talking out loud to yourself is not a sign of mental illness,
Speaker:but could actually be evidence of high cognitive function, memory, and conscious control
Speaker:of your intellectual faculties. That being said, anxious and uncontrollable mental chatter that
Speaker:runs away with itself is not likely to have the same effect. If you're up in the early hours of
Speaker:the morning ruminating and getting carried away with anxious thoughts, you may find that assigning
Speaker:your brain a task, like reading, could stop unhealthy self-talk and get you relaxed again.
Speaker:Likewise, self-talk, allowed or silent, is not a problem when directed to yourself,
Speaker:but may be a cause for concern if addressed to hallucinations or people who aren't really there.
Speaker:As we've seen in the previous section, not all self-talk is created equal.
Speaker:There are many variations, and some types are more helpful than others.
Speaker:If you've been wondering exactly what counts as self-talk, consider that all of the following
Speaker:can be considered self-talk. Making positive or negative statements to yourself.
Speaker:This will fail, or you got this. Conscious or unconscious silent inner speech that may follow
Speaker:a dialogue. You can't have left the keys at the store because you had them when you arrived home.
Speaker:But what if you left the door unlocked and just came in? Well, I never leave the door unlocked.
Speaker:I must have had my keys with me. Out loud self-talk. Saying, you idiot, when you make a mistake,
Speaker:or rehearsing your shopping list to yourself in the car. Out of control and anxious rumination,
Speaker:such as the racing thoughts that come with depression or panic attacks.
Speaker:Research into the different kinds of self-talk has led to diverse findings in all kinds of areas,
Speaker:including education, sports psychology, natural development, and even personality.
Speaker:As we saw earlier, the quality of one's self-talk can have either positive or negative effects,
Speaker:but some of the more recent research has found that self-talk helps with emotional regulation,
Speaker:such as in the research conducted by Michel et al. 1996 and Carver and Scheyer 1998,
Speaker:helps with distancing if using you statements or your own name rather than I pronouns,
Speaker:as we saw with Cross in a previous section. This gives you the room to take a more neutral
Speaker:and compassionate perspective on yourself. Helps you give self-instruction and self-motivation.
Speaker:See Hatzig Georgiatis et al. 2011. This is common in sports where coaches recommend
Speaker:verbally saying aloud, you're doing great, just take it easy, that's it.
Speaker:Improves your sense of self-awareness, bolstering a more accurate self-evaluation
Speaker:and encouraging more mindful reflection on how your brain is working and how that in turn affects
Speaker:both your emotions and your behavior. See research done by White et al. 2015 and Morin, 2018.
Speaker:Strengthens and fortifies certain cognitive processes, Langlin Hassan and Vincente,
Speaker:2018, including perspective taking and monitoring language development and speech production.
Speaker:Helps with regulating the emotions and coping with painful or difficult experiences,
Speaker:Orville et al. 2019 and Cross et al. 2014, 2017, encouraging mental toughness and emotional resilience.
Speaker:If that seems like a lot of benefits, then you're beginning to understand why this area
Speaker:of research has garnered so much attention. Some researchers have used the STS or self-talk scale
Speaker:to identify four main types of self-talk. These include self-criticism after negative events,
Speaker:self-praise and reinforcement after positive events, self-management and the attempt to
Speaker:decide what to do and how, and social assessment, which is self-talk that refers to social interactions
Speaker:in the past, present or future. Each of these four types likely overlaps with a mix of different
Speaker:effects and functions, which heavily depend on the context, the person doing the self-talk,
Speaker:and its intensity and duration. Though different theorists, coaches and thinkers will refer to
Speaker:slightly different definitions and models of self-talk, the key point to bear in mind is that
Speaker:self-talk varies greatly. It can be helpful or unhelpful, conscious or unconscious, cruel or
Speaker:compassionate, sensible or deranged, inspiring or completely self-sabotaging. Our goal with
Speaker:this book is to use some of these theories as a springboard to gain a better understanding
Speaker:of our own self-talk. This can be done with conscious awareness, calm compassion and a
Speaker:little curiosity. You might notice that you have a running narrative going on in your head
Speaker:whenever you speak to others or that you sometimes adopt a very harsh and overly critical attitude
Speaker:to yourself when you believe you've failed. For instance, a small selection of the types of
Speaker:negative self-talk we might want to become aware of and avoid. Overreaction. Everything is terrible.
Speaker:Personalization. Why is this happening to me? It's my fault.
Speaker:Absolute language. I'm a bad person. Assumption. He thinks I'm not good enough.
Speaker:Expectation. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Comparison. Why can't I be like her?
Speaker:Regret. If I hadn't done that.
Speaker:Self-talk can be a one-off statement or a deeply held core belief that you return to
Speaker:again and again, not being even slightly aware of the alternatives. People battling depression
Speaker:or low self-esteem may have a relentless repeat of the same self-talk playing in their mind 24-7.
Speaker:Others may end up putting a lot of their self-talk down on ink and paper,
Speaker:or find that their inner critic is actually the voice of someone else they've taken on as their own.
Speaker:Whatever your self-talk is, you can consciously pause and watch it happen and decide deliberately
Speaker:whether the stories you tell truly align with the goals you want to reach in life.
Speaker:Every time you talk to yourself, you are potentially cementing limiting and harmful habits
Speaker:and keeping yourself in a place you don't want to be. On the other hand, according to Dr. Helmstetter,
Speaker:we can choose to engage in the more beneficial and affirming forms of self-talk.
Speaker:Habit-changing self-talk is that which deliberately seeks to break away from old habits
Speaker:rather than strengthen them. For example, pausing every time you think,
Speaker:I'm stupid, to consciously change your wording to, I'm learning. This self-talk is establishing
Speaker:a new habit, one of self-esteem and kindness. Attitude-changing self-talk aims to build up
Speaker:your positive self-belief and esteem. For example, I'm trying my best and I'm doing great.
Speaker:Motivational self-talk goes a step further and takes the form of affirmations and self-encouragement
Speaker:as we attempt something scary or new. Situational self-talk is about taking a different
Speaker:perspective on situations in life, such as changing frameworks to deal with adversity,
Speaker:accidents, or problems as they arise. For example, how am I going to smooth things over here? Or,
Speaker:how can I look at this problem differently? In this chapter, we've looked at what self-talk is,
Speaker:the different types, and how it can help or harm, as well as some common theories used to
Speaker:understand the phenomenon. And you're hopefully convinced that there's nothing strange about
Speaker:occasionally muttering to yourself under your breath. In the following chapters, we'll further flesh
Speaker:out some of these concepts so you feel able to not only understand your own inner talk,
Speaker:but gain conscious mastery over it. You might naturally be wondering how to start changing
Speaker:your negative self-talk into a more positive internal dialogue, but to do that, we first
Speaker:need to fully understand the difference. Takeaways
Speaker:Have you ever noticed a voice inside your head that is constantly chattering about something
Speaker:or the other right from the moment you wake up? You might have grown so accustomed to it that
Speaker:you barely notice it anymore, but it's definitely there and it's either hurting or helping you.
Speaker:No perspective is truly neutral. This voice, a part of your stream of consciousness,
Speaker:is an inner monologue that runs alongside your life, observing and commenting on its various
Speaker:happenings. It tells you who you are and how you should feel about your identity and the
Speaker:events that occur in your life. There are three main types of inner voices or self-talk. The first
Speaker:is positive self-talk, which acts as a continuous reaffirmation of the good things about you and
Speaker:your life. This type of inner voice bolsters our confidence and elevates happiness levels. However,
Speaker:on the other end lies negative self-talk. This voice is always critical in saying degrading
Speaker:things to us about who we are, what we do, etc. If left uncontrolled, it can lead to several
Speaker:mental health issues. The third type is neutral self-talk, which simply consists of
Speaker:unbiased observations as we walk through life, although this almost always has a positive
Speaker:or negative subtext. Our inner voice, regardless of type, represents the inner representation
Speaker:we have of ourselves. Often this is not consistent with reality. The way we think we are and what
Speaker:we actually are can be miles apart, but reality seldom matters if we're convinced that things
Speaker:are a certain way. This leads to why having healthy self-talk is so important. It influences our
Speaker:thoughts, perceptions, and the way we view ourselves, all of which have physiological
Speaker:correlations that affect how we feel and behave. The basis behind this is neuroplasticity,
Speaker:as the more you repeat something, the more it changes your brain's structure and becomes your
Speaker:reality. If you're wondering what exactly counts as self-talk, it includes positive or negative
Speaker:statements we say to ourselves, our ruminations, racing thoughts, and the conversations we have
Speaker:with ourselves. Regulating this self-talk can have many positive effects that are essential to our
Speaker:well-being, such as improving sports performances, reducing stress, promoting better self-esteem,
Speaker:and helping us cope with the ups and downs of life. Monitoring self-talk is the key to changing
Speaker:your emotions, behavior, perspective, and life potential. Positive self-talk is everything
Speaker:that helps us regulate our emotions, work through memories or complicated experiences,
Speaker:maintain awareness of ourselves and our world, and encourage ourselves as we deal with problems
Speaker:or challenging situations. It is the set of messages we constantly repeat in our heads over
Speaker:and over that help us see the optimism, joy, and hope in any given situation.
Speaker:This is the angel perched on our left shoulder, while the right shoulder has, well, the devil.
Speaker:Positive self-talk sounds simple, but the fact is that so many people consistently engage in
Speaker:negative self-talk, despite desperately wanting to do better. We end up internalizing negative and
Speaker:irrational messages about who we are, the way we act, our abilities, etc. from external sources.
Speaker:Recognizing self-talk as it's happening is simple, but not easy, because we're so used to our constant
Speaker:internal chatter, we may forget we're even doing it. Heck, you're doing it right now when reading
Speaker:through a process called sub-vocalization. Rather than being aware of the fact that we're running
Speaker:a constant internal narration, we assume that we're simply perceiving life as it is, i.e.,
Speaker:that the story we're telling ourselves is true, objective fact. This is especially the case when
Speaker:our self-talk coincides with our fears or implicit beliefs about who we really are. However,
Speaker:with some attention and effort, we can use our self-talk to reaffirm positivity in a way that
Speaker:keeps anxiety and negativity at bay, while allowing us to accomplish goals that we previously
Speaker:considered beyond our capabilities. Positive versus negative self-talk
Speaker:Positive self-talk doesn't mean you indulge in over-the-top and insincere self-flattery,
Speaker:and it isn't vain or unrealistic. Brazingly telling yourself,
Speaker:it's going to happen this time, I just know it as you buy a lottery ticket might be considered by
Speaker:some to be positive thinking, but it's not a particularly helpful line of thinking,
Speaker:not least because it won't change your chances of winning. When people engage in cognitive
Speaker:behavioral therapy, more on this in a later chapter, they are essentially attempting to undo
Speaker:negative self-talk and replace it not with flowery platitudes, but with more neutral rational
Speaker:statements that more closely align with reality. We are our own worst critics, and that can often
Speaker:lead us to ignore genuine positives in a way that becomes detrimental to our mental well-being.
Speaker:Though most people struggle with overly negative rather than overly positive thinking,
Speaker:what you really want is to aim for thinking that a most closely lines up with the real world around
Speaker:you and be actually helps you achieve the goals that are important to you. So when we talk about
Speaker:positive self-talk, we can also imagine it means balanced, self-aware, healthy and useful self-talk.
Speaker:We want to avoid distorting reality or behaving in ways that undermine our goals,
Speaker:whether that's in overly positive or overly negative ways.
Speaker:If the reality is negative, we want to find a way to accept and feel better about it,
Speaker:and if it's positive, we want to believe in it and have confidence.
Speaker:We know there is no value in endlessly bolstering self-esteem with excessive praise.
Speaker:Far healthier is a balanced, robust perspective that has a respectful relationship with reality,
Speaker:including its dark sides. Consider the following self-talk phrases.
Speaker:Thought A. I'm a hideous, fat blob, and I'm ugly. I can't bear for anyone to look at me.
Speaker:Thought B. I'm beautiful and perfect in every way.
Speaker:Thought C. I'm okay with how I look. I could probably lose a few pounds,
Speaker:but I have some attractive features too, and besides, there's so much more to me than how I look.
Speaker:Thought D. Your BMI is slightly into the overweight category, but only by a few pounds,
Speaker:and your overall health is excellent. Which of these thoughts is the right one?
Speaker:Which is positive and which negative? You'll notice that the actual appearance of this person
Speaker:is beside the point. Which thought is more likely to lead to a resilient sense of self-esteem,
Speaker:well-being, and beneficial actions toward meaningful goals?
Speaker:Thought A. is negative, overly emotional, and likely to lead to apathy and self-hate,
Speaker:whether it's true or not. Whereas, thought B is positive, but not in the least likely to
Speaker:encourage honest self-appraisal of areas that need improvement. Thoughts C and D are more neutral,
Speaker:though D is mostly negative until the very end, by which time you're more likely to focus on
Speaker:the bad than what is good. It's thought C that strikes a balance between true and compassionate.
Speaker:It recognizes room for improvement. I could lose a few pounds, but stays positive overall.
Speaker:This is what we mean by positive self-talk. Rumination, i.e. endlessly turning over worst-case
Speaker:scenarios in your head, all-or-nothing statements, overly emotional judgments, criticisms, anxious
Speaker:overthinking, and what-if thoughts that you can't seem to switch off, is neither objective nor
Speaker:encouraging. This, along with statements that criticize or undermine, is what we mean by negative
Speaker:self-talk. And the subsequent impact it has on self-image, perspective, and self-worth is significant.
Speaker:So, generating positive self-talk doesn't really involve turning a negative self-talk statement
Speaker:into its equally unrealistic opposite. Real self-esteem doesn't rely on falsely boosting the
Speaker:ego. This exaggeration is only more of the same, and will never feel truly satisfying.
Speaker:Rather, it's the calm and stable awareness that comes with knowing you are in control of your mind,
Speaker:you can be aware of and respectful of your feelings, and you have irreducible value and
Speaker:worth as a human being no matter what. In many ways, trying to convert negative to positive can come
Speaker:with perils. We risk reinforcing limiting perspectives and further digging ourselves into
Speaker:a hole. For example, if a person struggled with their weight, as in the above examples,
Speaker:they might decide to substitute more positive self-talk that claimed you are overweight and
Speaker:some people like that more, which makes you superior to other skinny and malnourished-looking
Speaker:people, and proves that you're kinder and more intelligent than those other superficial people.
Speaker:It's not positive thinking to be baselessly proud of legitimate flaws and mistakes to compare
Speaker:yourself to others or to put others down. You also might have noticed that everyone hates me,
Speaker:and everyone loves me, share the same weakness. They put the locus of worth outside of the person
Speaker:rather than inside, making for a self-esteem that is fragile and inauthentic.
Speaker:Let's look at some other examples. Negative. This is too hard, and I can't do it.
Speaker:Success should come quickly and with no effort. Positive. I'm proud of how hard I've worked.
Speaker:I don't have to be the best in the world, but I really tried, and I learned a lot in the process.
Speaker:Negative. Nobody's interested in dating a loser like me. Women are so shallow these days.
Speaker:Positive. Dating can be tough sometimes, but I'm using the opportunity to learn about myself and
Speaker:grow where I can. Negative. There's no hope of changing things, so I may as well give up now.
Speaker:Life is unfair. What's new? Positive. I can't tell what the future holds, but
Speaker:I know I will always do my best to live according to my own principles.
Speaker:A lot of your inner talk may appear to be rather neutral, i.e. when you're instructing yourself
Speaker:on how to do something or making an observation about the environment. But the self-talk we're
Speaker:interested in is all those statements that seem to address us directly and go toward
Speaker:building that inner representation of ourselves and how we relate to the external world.
Speaker:It can be difficult to give examples of good and bad self-talk,
Speaker:because self-talk is always going to be unique to every person and their context.
Speaker:There are some general sentiments and attitudes, however, that lead to self-talk statements that
Speaker:most of us can probably find useful in our lives. If you're unsure about what constitutes positive
Speaker:self-talk, you may consider the following positive statements and try them out for size in your own
Speaker:life. If they feel overly foreign, outlandishly positive, or even unthinkable, it's probably
Speaker:pretty clear that you aren't used to thinking of yourself in a positive manner. At this early stage,
Speaker:it might be useful to notice which statements you feel most resistant to, or which seem at odds
Speaker:with your own worldview. This isn't what I wanted to happen, but I've definitely learned
Speaker:some valuable lessons. This is just a thought, and a thought can change. I can always choose
Speaker:how I respond to adversity. I can always choose what stories I tell about myself.
Speaker:Though this is challenging, I can always keep trying, and every challenge is an opportunity
Speaker:to learn something new. I don't have to do everything perfectly all the time.
Speaker:I accept that I sometimes feel down and unhappy, because I accept myself.
Speaker:I'm proud of all that I have achieved and overcome so far. I'm a person worthy of respect and
Speaker:compassion, and I have value, no matter what. I'll try hard not to worry about things I can't control.
Speaker:My opinion, my boundaries, my goals, and my preferences all matter. No matter where I am now,
Speaker:I can learn, grow, and change. There may be some things I can't do, but I can try,
Speaker:experiment, and adapt. You may notice something about the above sentiments. They are all internal,
Speaker:and can be held no matter what external circumstances you find yourself in, good or bad.
Speaker:The truth is that the world can be difficult and confusing at times,
Speaker:and we don't have endless control over everything that happens to us, but we do have control over
Speaker:what we consciously create in our own minds, and we can always choose the story that best
Speaker:allows us to feel good and achieve what's important to us. No matter what form it takes,
Speaker:positive self-talk reinforces the belief that, on a fundamental level, I am enough.
Speaker:Negative self-talk, on the other hand, only undermines your goals, potential, talents, value,
Speaker:and abilities. These are the thoughts that lead to inaction and apathy, to hiding away from life,
Speaker:to depression and anxiety, fragile thinking, giving up, blaming others, or avoidance.
Speaker:Negative self-talk is perhaps even more varied and unique to the person thinking it,
Speaker:but it too has some common elements that you'll see cropping up again and again.
Speaker:I'm not worth making the effort for. I'm not worth compassion or understanding.
Speaker:I'm not worth fighting for or protecting. I'm not worth any investment of time or energy.
Speaker:I can't do this or anything. I'm useless. I'm stupid, and I'm not capable of improving.
Speaker:I could try and make an effort, but there's no real point, because nothing I do makes any
Speaker:difference anyway. I'll be rejected if I try. People will laugh at me and judge me,
Speaker:and people don't like me as I am. Other people are smarter, better looking,
Speaker:more successful, kinder, and just better than I am, when compared to others, I'm inferior.
Speaker:I won't bother hoping for anything or starting something new, because I know I won't finish it,
Speaker:and I don't have a hope of achieving my goals. I'm a failure. I have to be perfect,
Speaker:or I shouldn't even bother. I can't make any mistakes, or I'm a bad person.
Speaker:What I think doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I can't really trust life or myself.
Speaker:People are bad, and always will be. I have to compete with everyone around me,
Speaker:and there's never enough to go around.
Speaker:It's easy to see how negative self-talk is a one-way ticket to depression and low self-esteem.
Speaker:Let's hope that you didn't find those sentiments too familiar or frequent in your life.
Speaker:Underneath many of these different thoughts and feelings is one core belief.
Speaker:I am not enough. Much of our negative self-talk stems from a fundamental disbelief in our own value.
Speaker:We believe that we are fundamentally useless and need to prove to others how good we are
Speaker:in order to be considered worthy. We take failure personally, criticize ourselves harshly,
Speaker:and self-sabotage everything good or promising in our lives, because deep down,
Speaker:it doesn't fit with the story we've spent so much time telling ourselves, I am not enough.
Speaker:A simple cost-benefit analysis.
Speaker:Motivational speaker Tony Robbins has said,
Speaker:change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.
Speaker:When we truly understand the cost of engaging in negative self-talk, and compared to the
Speaker:potential gains of adopting positive self-talk, the choice to change is an obvious one.
Speaker:Benefits of positive self-talk
Speaker:So far we've been considering the most obvious benefit of positive self-talk. It makes us feel
Speaker:good. Supportive, compassionate, and encouraging self-talk understandably strengthens self-esteem.
Speaker:Though we often seek validation from others, positive self-talk allows us to motivate ourselves,
Speaker:but there are more benefits, the main one being a reduction of stress levels.
Speaker:A 2004 research paper by Iwanaga, Yokoyama, and Saewa suggests that those with more positive
Speaker:self-talk habits typically have better coping mechanisms when faced with stressful life scenarios
Speaker:or challenges. It makes sense. If you can gently reframe a problem, you give yourself a new perspective
Speaker:that allows you to see new solutions and opportunities, while reducing the stress of feeling disempowered.
Speaker:A 2008 study by Leo Burmiski found that optimistic people with healthy self-esteem
Speaker:simply do better in life, whether it's performance at school, recovery from injury,
Speaker:or achieving general life goals. In other words, positive thinking is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker:When you believe and behave as if you're fit for the task of life, you are more likely to approach
Speaker:events with exactly the attitude most conducive to success. In a 2012 paper titled Optimism and
Speaker:Enduring Resource for Romantic Relationships by Assad, Donald, and Conjure, the researchers
Speaker:discovered that couples who were optimistic cooperated more and had generally better relationship
Speaker:outcomes. This also makes sense. People who are confident, proactive, and compassionate
Speaker:are always going to make better partners. Positive self-talk has been associated with
Speaker:a wide range of outcomes, including better performance in sport, healing body dysmorphia
Speaker:and eating disorders, and more effective education. Most importantly, healthy self-talk
Speaker:can alleviate mental health issues like depression, PTSD, stress, anxiety, poor self-esteem,
Speaker:and aggression. See Leung and Poon 2000, Owens and Chard 2001, Kendall and Treadwell 2007.
Speaker:The benefits of positive self-talk are so wide-ranging because the neurotransmitters
Speaker:associated with such thoughts, for example dopamine and GABA, affect every part of the body.
Speaker:This is another aspect of neuroplasticity we reserved for this chapter. Most of us think of
Speaker:emotions as abstract, airy things, but they have a physiological reality in our bodies,
Speaker:regulating our feelings of well-being, motivation, energy levels, interest in life,
Speaker:and ability to relax and feel good about ourselves. The system goes both ways. Neurotransmitters
Speaker:affect how we think and feel, but thoughts and feelings in turn can affect neurotransmitter
Speaker:levels, which then go on to have an effect on every bodily system. Thoughts are first converted
Speaker:into electrochemical signals in the brain, which is then stimulated to release hormones and neurotransmitters
Speaker:that travel throughout the body, affecting the structure and function of every tissue in organ.
Speaker:How Negative Self-Talk Sabotages Your Life
Speaker:Positive self-talk can leave you feeling calmer, more proactive, and more confident about your life,
Speaker:but the flip side is that negative self-talk does exactly the opposite. It's easy to imagine that
Speaker:being talked down to and insulted throughout the day, which is exactly what negative self-talk is,
Speaker:would leave you feeling bad emotionally. It turns out there are real neurological reasons why.
Speaker:When you engage in negative self-talk, you encourage your body to release chemicals called
Speaker:catecholamines from your adrenal glands, for example dopamine and norepinephrine.
Speaker:Your body responds to the threat of this self-talk as though it were any other danger,
Speaker:even producing cortisol that permeates through the entire body.
Speaker:Cortisol has lasting effects on the body. It compromises the immune system,
Speaker:and decreases the volume of the left prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain associated with
Speaker:positive emotions. Thinking about yourself negatively affects your body, not just your
Speaker:feelings, even worse. A self-fulfilling feedback loop is established, wherein the more negatively
Speaker:we think, the easier it is to keep on thinking negatively, and so on. The basic upshot is that
Speaker:you are in a constant state of stress and alarm, and each thought will build upon the previous one.
Speaker:It's only a matter of time until you explode, like Mount Vesuvius.
Speaker:The stress that comes with negative self-talk affects every single part of the body. You may
Speaker:tell yourself, I'm a failure, and then feel stressed and anxious. This causes a physiological
Speaker:response throughout your nervous system, which in chronic cases can affect your brain, leading you
Speaker:to keep thinking negatively. It's a vicious cycle. Most of us tend to think of negative self-talk,
Speaker:low confidence, and so on as merely emotional or psychological phenomena, and not something real,
Speaker:like cancer or a broken leg, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Speaker:Negative self-talk actively undermines your physical health. This is because you are your body.
Speaker:Your body and brain, and all the thoughts in it, are not two different things. You may notice
Speaker:unexplained gastrointestinal trouble, like a stomach in knots, bloating, or discomfort.
Speaker:Ulcers are most commonly associated with stress. Heart attacks, of course, happen to young and
Speaker:healthy people, because they are in so much distress. You may feel completely exhausted and
Speaker:wiped out for seemingly no reason. Constant negative self-talk can wear you down over time,
Speaker:leaving your motivation for life at a low ebb. Some people find that negative self-talk impacts
Speaker:sleep, all that 3AM catastrophizing, and all this combined can certainly make it harder to
Speaker:focus and concentrate. Negative self-talk leaves us feeling pessimistic, hopeless, irritable, and
Speaker:apathetic, and it's all due to our system being chronically bathed in stress hormones.
Speaker:Negative self-talk is associated with many of the symptoms we think of as accompanying
Speaker:generally poor mental health, changes in appetite, getting sick often, random aches and pains,
Speaker:and low mood. This is all without mentioning just how disempowered you might feel when bombarded
Speaker:with constant negative self-talk, and how you might never reach your dreams or goals, because
Speaker:well, you've told yourself they're impossible. And it all starts with something decidedly non-physical
Speaker:your thoughts. Unfortunately, we all suffer from something called the negativity bias.
Speaker:This bias refers to the phenomenon wherein we tend to focus on and emphasize negative stimuli far
Speaker:more than we do positive stimuli. This is because our brains require more neural processing to
Speaker:interpret negative stimuli, causing it to have a longer lasting effect on both our minds and bodies.
Speaker:Though the bias has its roots in the evolutionary advantages it provided, avoiding negative experiences
Speaker:protected our ancestors from danger, it can make negative thoughts that much more challenging to
Speaker:cope with. In a way, we're hardwired to be negative, and it is this very impulse that we need to learn
Speaker:to overcome. None of us would fare very well if we had a team of reverse cheerleaders following us
Speaker:around all day, yelling insults, criticizing our every move, and telling us how awful we looked
Speaker:every time we walked past a mirror. And yet, many of us are experiencing this very reality every day,
Speaker:only it's self-inflicted and invisible.
Speaker:Meet Your Inner Critic
Speaker:If positive self-talk is so great, and negative self-talk is so harmful,
Speaker:why do so many of us engage in negative self-talk? What's the source of this devastating little
Speaker:voice inside? Some people have called it the inner critic, and it's that internal voice which
Speaker:criticizes, demeans, belittles, or judges us, often with little respect for what is actually true.
Speaker:This voice shapes our identity, sense of worth, and our belief in what's possible.
Speaker:You'll know the inner critic is speaking when its weapon of choice against you seems to be shame,
Speaker:guilt, or fear. It can be enlightening to think about where and why we first acquired this
Speaker:inner narrative voice. It's certainly not a choice. Your life experiences, the way you've
Speaker:been parented, social expectations, cultural norms, and all the details of your unique context
Speaker:may set up this voice inside you. The inner critic itself has been theorized to come
Speaker:from the internalized voices of others who, at some point, really did criticize or undermine you.
Speaker:If you're frequently told you're useless, it's no surprise that you would soon come to tell yourself
Speaker:the same thing long after the words were first uttered. If you grow up in a culture or family
Speaker:environment that stresses competition, a scarcity mindset, or shame, then you may live as though
Speaker:this is a normal way to think and feel. For those with chronic self-doubt, low self-worth, or even
Speaker:beliefs that border on the delusional, such as a beauty pageant winner insisting she's hideous,
Speaker:or the woman with the imposter syndrome who believes she has achieved nothing even though
Speaker:she's a successful CEO, it can be helpful to ask about the origin of this voice.
Speaker:Is the little voice really yours? Many people are surprised to notice that their inner critic
Speaker:sounds suspiciously like their parents, previous teachers, or other critical voices.
Speaker:Just as negative self-talk can cause depression, it can also be a symptom of depression
Speaker:and other mood disorders. Being highly self-critical can accompany a host of health conditions,
Speaker:mental and physical, but in a way, it doesn't matter all that much why you think as you do,
Speaker:only that you do. It can be incredibly healing to see that your inner voice doesn't even strictly
Speaker:belong to you. This voice is a combination of your conscious and subconscious thoughts,
Speaker:along with the host of external influences that we encounter in our daily lives.
Speaker:If you see that your self-talk is not based in reality and is actively causing you harm,
Speaker:while shutting out many good things in life, you can work toward making changes,
Speaker:no matter the cause or source of your self-talk. If your self-talk is a little engine or machine
Speaker:that churns to produce statements, beliefs, and feelings, then self-esteem is the fuel that it
Speaker:runs on. Your brain's a powerful tool, but it can only process what it's given. Feed it with low
Speaker:self-esteem, i.e. fuel it with the fundamental belief that I'm not enough, and all its output
Speaker:will be negative and self-denying. Feed it with healthy self-esteem, i.e. fuel it with the fundamental
Speaker:belief that I am enough, and its output will be life-affirming, goal-oriented, and optimistic.
Speaker:Your beliefs inform your thinking, which then cements those original beliefs and inspires
Speaker:your behavior, which then produces results that feed back into your original beliefs,
Speaker:and so the cycle continues. And soon, you believe, this is how I am, when in fact,
Speaker:all you've been doing is telling yourself a very convincing story for a very long time.
Speaker:But what is this fuel for optimism, self-esteem? We've alluded to it in earlier sections,
Speaker:mentioning how self-esteem is not idealistic optimism, vanity, narcissism, denial of the
Speaker:facts of life, or wishful thinking. Self-esteem is essentially our own self-concept, or the
Speaker:sense of who we are in the world. Positive and strong self-esteem means we experience ourselves
Speaker:as good, worthy, and lovable people whom others view in good terms. Negative or weak self-esteem
Speaker:has us feeling like people who are unloved, wrong, broken, stupid, unworthy, or just bad.
Speaker:Our self-esteem comes from many sources, past experiences, our own personal development,
Speaker:our goals and expectations, our relationships to others, our culture, family history,
Speaker:gender, belief system, age, and more. It can be stable or change with time and takes dips and
Speaker:boosts with life's seasons. We all have the ability to feel as though we are largely satisfied with
Speaker:ourselves, flaws and all. Having good self-esteem comes down to believing that you have innate
Speaker:worth and many good qualities. It's having a good reputation with yourself, and generally liking
Speaker:and respecting yourself with a moderate expectation that others may do the same.
Speaker:If we dig a little, we see that negative self-talk is actually just a symptom of our inner beliefs
Speaker:about ourselves, i.e. our self-esteem, but that begs the question, what causes low self-esteem?
Speaker:There's plenty of evidence to suggest that our experiences with our primary caregivers as children
Speaker:shapes our perception of our self-worth and, consequently, determines the tone and content
Speaker:of much of our self-talk. We may develop low self-esteem because of disapproving
Speaker:or critical authority figures who caused feelings of shame. You'll never amount to anything.
Speaker:Caregivers who were neglectful or too preoccupied with their own lives to pay you attention when
Speaker:you most needed to be acknowledged or praised. This can leave you feeling unimportant,
Speaker:invisible, unknown, and not worth noticing. Caregivers who fought with each other.
Speaker:Young children can internalize the feeling that they are to blame.
Speaker:Bullying at home or school and feeling as though you weren't important enough to be protected
Speaker:can create feelings of being abandoned, lost, or victimized, overly coddling,
Speaker:or supportive parents. They may have made you feel like their support was
Speaker:unwarranted and exaggerated, causing deep shame about who you really are.
Speaker:Receiving no support through academic challenges, making you feel stupid or defective.
Speaker:Sexual, physical, or emotional abuse can make a child believe their will is not worth as much
Speaker:as others, that they are worthless, or even to blame for what happened to them.
Speaker:Cultural or religious beliefs that emphasize shame and judgment for who you are.
Speaker:This can include unrealistic images and ideology from the media.
Speaker:Low confidence may even have a genetic component. We may each be born with different
Speaker:levels of serotonin and oxytocin, hormones associated with happiness and well-being,
Speaker:and this affects our temperament, which in turn affects our behavior.
Speaker:Some people have personalities that are more cautious, watchful, or inhibited,
Speaker:which is not necessarily a bad thing, but may preclude high confidence.
Speaker:Life experiences can prime us for poor self-esteem, for example,
Speaker:harassment, trauma, or discrimination. Low self-esteem can, as we saw above,
Speaker:also be a side effect of other mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.
Speaker:Certain childhood traumas can have us internalizing the blame for things that aren't our fault,
Speaker:and converting it into a deep feeling of shame that we carry into adulthood.
Speaker:Not everyone who experiences the above will develop poor self-esteem, and not everyone
Speaker:with poor self-esteem has necessarily experienced these things. Most importantly,
Speaker:though understanding childhood causes of low self-esteem can be insightful,
Speaker:it doesn't mean we're bound to our past. We can always change. Understanding why we feel
Speaker:as we do, we can start taking steps to build a healthier, more realistic internal picture of
Speaker:who we are. The parenting you received is not the only possible source of low self-worth.
Speaker:Many of us engage in daily habits that actively erode our self-esteem and lead to negative
Speaker:self-talk without us even realizing it. It seems obvious, but not taking care of yourself
Speaker:physically makes it so much harder to care for yourself mentally. Poor health habits can be
Speaker:damaging in many ways. Denying and neglecting our own care sends a message that we are not worth more.
Speaker:Similarly, spending too much time alone can lead to rumination that isn't balanced by the input
Speaker:of socializing or other activities. Several studies have found that prolonged isolation
Speaker:increases stress, which acts as a gateway to depression and anxiety, thereby reducing self-esteem.
Speaker:Being socially isolated can also lead to us hesitating to ask for help if we really need it,
Speaker:closing ourselves off to sources of affirmation and support in the process.
Speaker:We neglect our own self-care and barely notice that we are running on empty.
Speaker:Finally, spending too much time around overly negative people can also invite negative self-talk,
Speaker:especially if those people are critical, judgmental, or cruel to you.
Speaker:Deliberately avoiding discussion or fixing relationship problems is a common but underrated
Speaker:sign of lack of self-care and only maintains poor self-image and negative self-talk.
Speaker:Five levels of self-talk As you can see,
Speaker:self-talk is something that both establishes and maintains our faulty narratives about ourselves.
Speaker:But when we deliberately choose our own self-talk, we can change the process and use our self-talk
Speaker:to create ourselves in a new image, one that we choose.
Speaker:The process of improving self-talk usually happens by degree. We don't become healthy
Speaker:and balanced overnight. As we slowly gain healthier self-esteem, we're able to generate
Speaker:self-talk of an increasingly higher quality. Level one self-talk is harmful self-talk that
Speaker:reinforces a negative narrative about ourselves. Becoming aware of this kind of inner dialogue
Speaker:and why it's present has been the focus of the book so far. This is the most common level
Speaker:of self-talk, so don't fret if you find yourself at level one right now. Most people,
Speaker:unfortunately, may never move past this level. Some relevant examples are,
Speaker:I can't do this. I wish life were fair, but it's not. I suck.
Speaker:Level two self-talk is a slight improvement in that it recognizes a need for changes to be made,
Speaker:even though it doesn't offer any actual solutions. I really should exercise more.
Speaker:I've got to do something about my low mood. This can't go on anymore.
Speaker:Level three self-talk takes things a step further into actual practice. However,
Speaker:if we don't act on our thoughts from level two, it leads us to regress back to level one. In level
Speaker:three, we use our self-talk to our desired ends, deciding to help ourselves by actively
Speaker:reprogramming a new image of ourselves. Notice these examples are framed in the present tense,
Speaker:which means they are somewhat subject to change and not wholly certain.
Speaker:I find things to be grateful for every day. I'm calm and focused right now. I won't crave unhealthy
Speaker:food. Level four self-talk goes in and replaces all level one and two self-talk, working comprehensively
Speaker:to shape our new identities with self-respect, self-belief, and positivity. This is a level
Speaker:of belief that is not false or forced. I'm a positive person. I act with resilience and awareness.
Speaker:Level five self-talk is about a more universal information and acceptance of ourselves and
Speaker:everyone else. In fact, it even becomes negative in the sense that it acknowledges negativity and
Speaker:accepts it. This is the broadest view possible and a wholesome affirmation of life itself.
Speaker:I focus on the things I can control. I choose my thoughts, my values, and my actions.
Speaker:I may be overweight, but I'm content with this. Glancing at these different levels or
Speaker:kinds of self-talk, you may ask yourself where the bulk of your mental effort and energy goes.
Speaker:Is it into negative statements that don't go anywhere, only to make you feel bad?
Speaker:Do you frequently note a problem, but never take steps to move on from it?
Speaker:Most of us work on levels one and two only. However, once we proceed to level three,
Speaker:the path ahead becomes much simpler because we start reaping the benefits of our healthy practices.
Speaker:As we proceed to level four and finally level five, we start to exercise decisive control over
Speaker:the thoughts that enter and dwell in our minds. You may be surprised to see just how much of your
Speaker:precious and powerful mental energy is being wasted on causing suffering when you could use it to
Speaker:actively reprogram yourself and move on from the unconscious programming you received as a child.
Speaker:In a way, positive self-talk is not some difficult and effortful task to master,
Speaker:but rather the shifting of all the ways your brain already maintains your
Speaker:self-concept day after day. In the chapters that follow, we'll explore exactly how to make the
Speaker:switch. Takeaways
Speaker:It is easy to mistake positive self-talk for being vain, narcissistic and shallow, overloading
Speaker:oneself with praise, but this is far from the case. Similarly, ignoring negative self-talk
Speaker:does not mean blinding yourself to your faults. Improving our self-talk is aimed at being more
Speaker:attuned with reality in a way that is conducive to achieving the goals we desire. Often we focus
Speaker:on the negative much more than the positive, and this distorts the reality of a situation.
Speaker:By practicing more positive self-talk, we're trying to get past this bias and see things the
Speaker:way they are so that we can improve accordingly. There are many benefits of engaging in more
Speaker:positive self-talk. Several studies have looked into the matter and concluded that those who are
Speaker:more positive perform better at work and sports, are better at getting through challenging life
Speaker:circumstances and have healthier relationships. Moreover, they also have a better self-image
Speaker:and feel good about themselves since they have a healthy sense of self. On the other hand,
Speaker:negative self-talk can be extremely damaging to our well-being. It releases cortisol in our bodies,
Speaker:compromising our immune function and preventing positive emotions from arising.
Speaker:Negative self-talk can also lead to a host of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety,
Speaker:panic disorders, and other undesirable outcomes like apathy, anger, self-pity, etc.
Speaker:If you're wondering where our self-talk styles originate from, the answer is a host of factors
Speaker:that include our parenting, sociocultural norms, our immediate environment, biology,
Speaker:our own biases and beliefs, among others. Many who have experienced strict or uncompromising
Speaker:home environments at a young age or have routinely had their boundaries violated come to adopt a low
Speaker:self-esteem which in turn causes negative self-talk that can be hard to get rid of.
Speaker:These factors, along with experiences like bullying and different forms of abuse,
Speaker:also determine our self-esteem levels, which is the main determinant of whether our self-talk
Speaker:is negative or positive. As we understand why exactly our self-talk is the way it is,
Speaker:we can start to change and improve it to suit our needs.
Speaker:We end up with five levels of self-talk, each a higher amount of acceptance and self-esteem.
Speaker:Indeed, it starts with purely negative, then moves to aspirational, to positive,
Speaker:to a new identity, to newfound acceptance of both the negative and positive. This has been
Speaker:Transform Yourself Talk, the art of talking to yourself for confidence, belief and calm.
Speaker:Written by Nick Trenton, narrated by Russell Newton.
Speaker:Copyright 2020 by Nick Trenton. Production Copyright by Nick Trenton.
