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Inside The Overthinker'S Mind: Breaking Free From Rumination And Anxiety AudioChapter from Social Skills for the Overthinker AudioBook by Nick Trenton
Social Skills for the Overthinker: Beat Self-Sabotage, Escape Your Comfort Zone, and Get Out Of Your Head (The Path to Calm Book 17) By: Nick Trenton
Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/3U6VBOw
00:00:00 Social Skills for the Overthinker
00:07:19 How To Stop The Cycle.
00:17:14 The Spotlight Effect.
00:23:28 The Curse Of Taking Things Personally.
00:29:21 Practice Labeling.
00:33:07 Overcoming Generalization.
00:37:09 Find Counterexamples.
00:39:31 Imagine A Third Party.
00:40:29 Be Kind, Be Moderate.
00:42:19 Stop Labeling.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQJQN628
Feel yourself become tongue-tied around others? Or worse yet, you simply avoid others because you are constantly worried about being judged?
It's not logical and it doesn't make sense, but it can't be reasoned with. Social anxiety can be crippling, to the point where you don't even want to order food!
How to understand your anxious brain's wiring, soothe it, and get around it.
Social Skills for Overthinkers is about more than what to say and when to say it, it is about how to gain your freedom. This book takes a much more clinical route than any others of its kind. We gain an understanding of the issues that hold you back, how to overcome them, and an action plan for success in the future.
You'll learn a multitude of tools to get you from "I'd rather not go" to "I can't wait to go!"
Nick Trenton grew up in rural Illinois and is quite literally a farm boy. His best friend growing up was his trusty companion Leonard the dachshund. RIP Leonard. Eventually, he made it off the farm and obtained a BS in Economics, followed by an MA in Behavioral Psychology.
Challenge your inner thought pattern and break free and empower yourself.
- Putting a stop to the rumination cycle of doom; putting a fence around it
- Why curiosity is one of your best weapons against overthinking
- Your inner critic and why the grey area is the best area
- How to role play for social success
- Letting go of safety-seeking behaviors
- The magic of improv statements#OvercomingGeneralization #Overthinker #OverthinkerSocialSkills #SocialSkills #SpotlightEffect #TomGilovich #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #SocialSkillsfortheOverthinker #InsideTheOverthinker'sMind #BreakingFreeFromRuminationAndAnxiety
Transcript
Social Skills for the Overthinker:
Speaker:Beat Self-Sabotage,
Speaker:Escape Your Comfort Zone,
Speaker:and Get Out Of Your Head (The Path to Calm Book 17)
Speaker:Written by
Speaker:Nick Trenton, narrated by russell newton.
Speaker:Meet Jaime.
Speaker:She is someone who “hates small talk” and has never found socializing easy.
Speaker:She believes that it’s difficult to make friends and stressful to keep them,
Speaker:and frequently wonders whether it’s all worth it.
Speaker:Why do other people seem to find it so much easier than she does?
Speaker:Having stewed over the problem for literally decades,
Speaker:she eventually concludes that it’s because she’s too sensitive,
Speaker:she’s an introvert,
Speaker:she has low self-esteem.
Speaker:But the truth is,
Speaker:none of these reasons are the real cause of Jaime’s difficulty with people.
Speaker:Take a look at the following scenario and see if you can spot what the problem
Speaker:really is.
Speaker:Jaime has just finished a Zoom meeting with colleagues and a few supervisors.
Speaker:It was pure hell.
Speaker:She finds herself lightheaded,
Speaker:on edge,
Speaker:and unable to settle down to anything for the rest of the day.
Speaker:For a few moments she even feels tearful and then suddenly angry.
Speaker:She tries to focus on her work,
Speaker:but she can’t help returning to a moment in the meeting when she was asked a
Speaker:question.
Speaker:She replays the awkward moment in her mind over and over again.
Speaker:Was she too flustered?
Speaker:Could everyone tell she was nervous?
Speaker:Why did she say what she did instead of something clearer,
Speaker:more intelligent,
Speaker:smoother?
Speaker:Why did she have to be such an idiot and mispronounce the word “epitome”?
Speaker:When the supervisor remarked that it was “time to cut to the chase,” was he
Speaker:actually referring to her?
Speaker:Did they all think she talked too much?
Speaker:Did she ramble?
Speaker:Was her answer really unsophisticated,
Speaker:or worse—did it hurt someone’s feelings?
Speaker:Cross a line?
Speaker:Why was everyone quiet for a few seconds after she spoke?
Speaker:Phew!
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:reading all the above,
Speaker:can you see that Jaime’s problem is not socializing at all?
Speaker:Jaime does not have a problem with social situations or with other people.
Speaker:She doesn’t have a problem with her work,
Speaker:her communication style,
Speaker:her appearance,
Speaker:her intelligence,
Speaker:or any of the other things her brain is feverishly throwing up as a potential
Speaker:threat.
Speaker:Rather,
Speaker:Jaime’s problem is that she is overthinking—and it’s making everything
Speaker:worse.
Speaker:Jaime’s particular flavor of rumination is called post-event rumination,
Speaker:and it’s what it sounds like - painfully replaying social events in the mind
Speaker:over and over,
Speaker:but only focusing on negative aspects,
Speaker:or even inventing them from scratch.
Speaker:In this book,
Speaker:we’ll be looking at the phenomenon of social anxiety,
Speaker:but with a big focus on the anxiety part.
Speaker:There are plenty of ways to learn to communicate,
Speaker:to make friends,
Speaker:to listen well,
Speaker:and to build rapport.
Speaker:But none of these techniques can be done if you are so anxious that you cannot
Speaker:get out of your head long enough to start practicing them.
Speaker:Thus,
Speaker:in solving the anxiety problem,
Speaker:we free ourselves up to engage with socializing for what it is - a safe,
Speaker:neutral skill that can be learned and mastered,
Speaker:just like any other skill.
Speaker:Throughout the book,
Speaker:we’ll be examining exactly how anxiety gets in the way of us learning to
Speaker:develop natural,
Speaker:enjoyable,
Speaker:and spontaneous social interaction with others.
Speaker:As we move through each chapter,
Speaker:it’s as though we are gradually stepping outside of our anxious
Speaker:rumination—and taking one step at a time out into the world to engage
Speaker:actively with our environment,
Speaker:with other people,
Speaker:and with the real,
Speaker:living present moment.
Speaker:Think of it this way .- Anxiety is an act of narrowing.
Speaker:Stress and tension tightens and narrows the body,
Speaker:the breath,
Speaker:the entire nervous system.
Speaker:It also tightens and narrows your field of awareness so that your whole world
Speaker:shrinks down to a small space inside your head.
Speaker:And that’s stressful!
Speaker:From inside this constricted,
Speaker:anxious place,
Speaker:we are trapped and unable to connect to anything outside our awareness.
Speaker:Socializing successfully with others is an act of opening up.
Speaker:Connecting with the outside world and everything in it requires we move away
Speaker:from ourselves,
Speaker:our habitual narratives,
Speaker:our preoccupations,
Speaker:our fears,
Speaker:and our fixed limits,
Speaker:and reach out to encounter something or someone else.
Speaker:To prove this to yourself,
Speaker:think of the last time you felt truly socially anxious.
Speaker:Think back to the situation now and imagine what it was like (maybe it’s like
Speaker:Jaime’s awful Zoom meeting!).
Speaker:You might remember your racing heart,
Speaker:the queasy feeling in your stomach,
Speaker:the million-miles-an-hour thoughts going through your head,
Speaker:the awkwardness.
Speaker:But do you remember looking into another person’s eyes and feeling a moment
Speaker:of connection?
Speaker:Do you remember what the room looked like or what other people were wearing or
Speaker:what the weather was doing?
Speaker:What music was playing?
Speaker:Can you remember the tiny details of the things people told you?
Speaker:Chances are,
Speaker:you can’t remember any of this,
Speaker:because at the time,
Speaker:anxiety had narrowed your perception so tightly that all you could notice was
Speaker:your own discomfort.
Speaker:As a result,
Speaker:you cannot honestly say you are bad at socializing ...because you haven’t
Speaker:actually tried it yet!
Speaker:This is why we won’t begin this book on overthinking with yet more
Speaker:overthinking (i.e.,
Speaker:ruminating over how much we ruminate!).
Speaker:There is no point on dwelling in hair-splitting detail over the past and what
Speaker:it was and how bad it felt.
Speaker:We’re not going to dissect your posture,
Speaker:your speech patterns,
Speaker:or your appearance,
Speaker:because those things were never the problem.
Speaker:Rather,
Speaker:we’re going to take a step back and look at the way we are talking to
Speaker:ourselves about our behavior in the first place.
Speaker:How To Stop The Cycle.
Speaker:First,
Speaker:you experience a social situation.
Speaker:After it ends,
Speaker:you start ruminating over it.
Speaker:“Ruminate” is a word that comes from the class of animal called
Speaker:ruminants—literally those that “chew the cud."
Speaker:You bring out a collection of awful-feeling thoughts and chew them round and
Speaker:round,
Speaker:and they get worse and worse each time you go over them.
Speaker:By the time you’re done chewing,
Speaker:you’re left with a firm belief that you’re terrible,
Speaker:that everyone hates you,
Speaker:and that you can’t stand socializing for even a second.
Speaker:You take this attitude into your next social situation,
Speaker:and no surprise,
Speaker:the vicious circle starts another turn.
Speaker:First,
Speaker:recognize that social rumination is a cycle.
Speaker:Why are you this way and why does your brain do this?
Speaker:Well,
Speaker:that’s unimportant.
Speaker:Remember that “a vicious cycle has no root,” so it’s really irrelevant
Speaker:what started it initially.
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:become curious about what is maintaining that cycle.
Speaker:Stop doing that,
Speaker:and the cycle stops turning.
Speaker:Step 1 .- Admit That Your Evaluation Is Distorted.
Speaker:The anxious mind takes a tiny crumb of data and creates whole worlds of meaning
Speaker:out of it.
Speaker:Just pause and acknowledge that you’re doing it.
Speaker:The person looking at you is just ...looking at you.
Speaker:The conclusion that they are judging you,
Speaker:that they are angry,
Speaker:or that there must be something wrong with your face is all additional data
Speaker:that you are adding (and don’t need to continue adding).
Speaker:In other words,
Speaker:just pause and notice that not everything your brain tells you is automatically
Speaker:one hundred percent true.
Speaker:Step 2 .- Separate Emotions From Reality.
Speaker:In the same way that your thoughts can be distorted,
Speaker:so can your emotional processes.
Speaker:A big issue with overthinkers is the following error in reasoning - “I felt
Speaker:so anxious and embarrassed after the party.
Speaker:I must have made a fool of myself."
Speaker:Let’s look closely at this.
Speaker:The implication seems to be that if I feel anxious,
Speaker:there must be a reason “out there” in the world for me to be feeling this
Speaker:way.
Speaker:It must have objectively been a stressful situation.
Speaker:Or,
Speaker:if I feel guilty or awkward,
Speaker:that must mean I must have done something objectively wrong.
Speaker:If you have trouble understanding the difference,
Speaker:think of it in terms of anger.
Speaker:Have you ever seen someone get really annoyed with other people for no reason?
Speaker:Imagine someone who immediately blames someone else when they stub their toe by
Speaker:accident.
Speaker:They seem to be saying,
Speaker:“I’m feeling angry and hurt ...so that means someone must have hurt me!"
Speaker:Again,
Speaker:pause and realize that your appraisal of reality might not be the same as
Speaker:reality itself.
Speaker:You might have felt that an event was simply awful ...but was it?
Speaker:Be clear in your naming and labeling.
Speaker:“I felt awful about this situation” is more accurate than “it was an
Speaker:awful situation."
Speaker:“I was so awkward” is not quite right;
Speaker:it’s better to say “I felt fear” or “I felt anxious."
Speaker:You shift your language from labeling yourself (“I was so awkward”;
Speaker:“I’m a socially awkward person”)
Speaker:to labeling experiences - (“I felt anxious”).
Speaker:Ask yourself - Am I ignoring any important aspects of the social situation?
Speaker:Am I making assumptions about what other people are thinking?
Speaker:Am I jumping to conclusions about what this means for my future or the
Speaker:relationship at hand?
Speaker:Step 3 .- Separate Discomfort From Disaster.
Speaker:Now we’re getting somewhere.
Speaker:Let’s be honest .- Some social situations are a bit tricky.
Speaker:Maybe you do put your foot in it or fumble your words.
Speaker:It happens.
Speaker:But the way we interpret these events makes all the difference.
Speaker:Even if your worst fears came true and you really did say something stupid—so
Speaker:what?
Speaker:It’s definitely uncomfortable,
Speaker:but it’s not the end of the world.
Speaker:You’ll go on living,
Speaker:and you’re still the same person you always were,
Speaker:with your good and bad qualities,
Speaker:and life goes on.
Speaker:Some theorists guess that social rejection feels so bad because our emotions
Speaker:evolved in a context where being rejected by your social group really did have
Speaker:serious consequences for survival.
Speaker:But we need to recognize this knee-jerk tendency and moderate it when we see it.
Speaker:“If my colleagues don’t like me,
Speaker:that’s it—I won’t be able to cope;
Speaker:it will be the end for me and totally unbearable."
Speaker:Really?
Speaker:Would you really shrivel up and die from a moment of awkwardness?
Speaker:We need to get skilled at noticing that there are many shades of discomfort
Speaker:long before truly unbearable,
Speaker:scary pain.
Speaker:Those who are good at socializing actually feel more unpleasant feelings than
Speaker:those who struggle.
Speaker:When you ruminate,
Speaker:you may be approaching situations from this life-or-death mindset,
Speaker:and your brain wants to protect you from what it sees as a serious threat.
Speaker:But the worst that can happen is that you momentarily feel bad.
Speaker:That’s it.
Speaker:You can handle momentary feelings—you can even get good at handling them!
Speaker:Anxiety is not dangerous,
Speaker:and it’s not the end of the world,
Speaker:either.
Speaker:Sometimes we ruminate because we think it’s a way to avoid having to
Speaker:experience unpleasant feelings.
Speaker:Maybe we hope that somehow,
Speaker:we can control other people’s actions toward us,
Speaker:or control their opinions of us,
Speaker:so that everything will be perfect and we’ll never have to put a foot wrong
Speaker:or feel vulnerable.
Speaker:Isn’t that silly when it’s said out in the open like that?
Speaker:Sometimes post-event rumination comes down to a big gap between how we think we
Speaker:ought to have behaved,
Speaker:and how we think we did behave.
Speaker:One solution - dropping the “shoulds” and being a bit kinder to ourselves.
Speaker:Do you expect other people to express themselves perfectly all the time?
Speaker:If not,
Speaker:then don’t expect it from yourself.
Speaker:Another solution is to be a bit more generous in your appraisal of how you
Speaker:actually behaved.
Speaker:If a neutral third party were to look at your behavior,
Speaker:would they be as harsh in their interpretation as you’re being?
Speaker:Accept that imperfection is normal in relationships.
Speaker:Communication is never faultless,
Speaker:and a little friction is a given.
Speaker:Allow yourself to be a little rusty now and then,
Speaker:and lower the stakes—it’s just an interaction,
Speaker:not the defining moment of your life.
Speaker:Shift from seeking perfection to valuing genuine connections with others.
Speaker:That means learning to embrace vulnerability.
Speaker:Give yourself permission to be as you are,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:flawed,
Speaker:in process,
Speaker:dynamic.
Speaker:Remind yourself that other people are in the same position as you!
Speaker:How do these three steps play out in Jaime’s life?
Speaker:After the Zoom call,
Speaker:she takes some time to journal her feelings and make a plan for the next
Speaker:meeting (note—not rumination!).
Speaker:She takes a moment to write down a stream-of-consciousness list of all her
Speaker:anxious thoughts and feelings,
Speaker:then stops and looks at them objectively and with some distance.
Speaker:•Is there any evidence for these assumptions,
Speaker:conclusions,
Speaker:and judgments?
Speaker:•Are expectations and standards too high or unrealistic?
Speaker:•Is there something positive in the situation that is being ignored?
Speaker:•Is there some room for more self-compassion?
Speaker:Slowing down in this way allows Jaime to have an astonishing insight .- The
Speaker:Zoom call was completely,
Speaker:utterly unremarkable.
Speaker:She even returns to watch a recording of the meeting,
Speaker:and with neutral eyes,
Speaker:she can see that not only was she not behaving awkwardly,
Speaker:but that the conversation was productive,
Speaker:respectful,
Speaker:and interesting.
Speaker:She realizes that all her angst and discomfort was purely a product of her own
Speaker:overthinking.
Speaker:The Spotlight Effect.
Speaker:David Foster Wallace once said,
Speaker:“You will worry less about what people think of you when you realize how
Speaker:seldom they do."
Speaker:Let’s return to this idea of narrowed attention.
Speaker:The spotlight effect refers to a psychological phenomenon where individuals
Speaker:tend to overestimate how much others notice and care about their appearance or
Speaker:behavior in social settings—i.e.,
Speaker:it’s this excruciating feeling of being “in the spotlight” and heavily
Speaker:scrutinized by others.
Speaker:As you can imagine,
Speaker:this is a cognitive distortion—it is really that we are focusing intently on
Speaker:ourselves;
Speaker:it is not something that others are doing to us.
Speaker:This distortion leads to increased social anxiety,
Speaker:as people believe they are constantly being watched and appraised.
Speaker:However,
Speaker:multiple studies,
Speaker:including one conducted by Tom Gilovich and colleagues in 2000,
Speaker:have consistently shown that these perceptions are often wildly exaggerated.
Speaker:In one experiment,
Speaker:students were asked to wear genuinely embarrassing T-shirts and estimate how
Speaker:many people in the room would notice.
Speaker:Their estimates were significantly higher than the actual number of people who
Speaker:took notice.
Speaker:Similarly,
Speaker:when other students watched recordings of these situations and were asked to
Speaker:estimate the number of people who would notice the shirt,
Speaker:their estimations aligned more closely with reality.
Speaker:Another study involved non-embarrassing T-shirts featuring well-known figures
Speaker:such as Bob Marley and Martin Luther King Jr.
Speaker:Once again,
Speaker:the students wearing the shirts overestimated how many people would notice and
Speaker:recall the shirt.
Speaker:In contrast,
Speaker:the actual number of people who did so was significantly lower.
Speaker:The key takeaway is that most individuals are primarily focused on their own
Speaker:lives,
Speaker:thoughts,
Speaker:and activities,
Speaker:leaving little attention for others' appearances or actions.
Speaker:The best-case scenario is that people are simply engrossed in the actual
Speaker:unfolding conversation,
Speaker:and flowing with the interaction itself,
Speaker:rather than getting hung up on inconsequential details.
Speaker:Either way,
Speaker:anxiety can make you feel as though you and the things you do are taking up way
Speaker:more space in the world than they really are.
Speaker:It may sound a little harsh,
Speaker:but try to remind yourself that nobody actually cares!
Speaker:The next time you’re out in a public space,
Speaker:ask how much attention you’re paying to small details of a person’s
Speaker:appearance or behavior.
Speaker:Even if you do notice these things,
Speaker:how long does your focus on it last?
Speaker:And is it always accompanied by judgment and negativity?
Speaker:Probably not!
Speaker:Here’s how to turn that spotlight off.
Speaker:Assess the spotlight .- When you catch yourself thinking that the "negative"
Speaker:spotlight is on you,
Speaker:take a moment to evaluate whether the spotlight is actually self-imposed,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:it’s really just you being hyper-focused on yourself.
Speaker:If you catch the spotlight setting in,
Speaker:try to broaden its beam a little and take in more of your surroundings.
Speaker:Focus on something other than your own body,
Speaker:your sensations,
Speaker:your appearance,
Speaker:your thoughts.
Speaker:One excellent way to do this is to deeply focus on the other person and really
Speaker:listen to what they’re saying.
Speaker:Abandon yourself and enter their world.
Speaker:The sense of relief can be immediate.
Speaker:You realize that the spotlight was your own scrutiny and not a characteristic
Speaker:of the situation.
Speaker:Challenge baseless anxiety .- Having a spotlight on you is not in itself a
Speaker:terrifying experience.
Speaker:Think about it .- Simply being observed is not dangerous,
Speaker:unpleasant,
Speaker:or threatening.
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:it’s our simultaneous belief that we are being judged that makes this feeling
Speaker:so painful.
Speaker:But again,
Speaker:this is usually a distortion.
Speaker:You can never know for sure what others are thinking (seriously,
Speaker:many people don’t even know themselves what they’re thinking!),
Speaker:and even if you did,
Speaker:you can’t do a lot to control it,
Speaker:anyway.
Speaker:Recognize that people have their own concerns and are unlikely to dwell on your
Speaker:actions unless they directly impact them.
Speaker:Every person you encounter is the main character in their own story,
Speaker:and they inhabit a whole rich universe all their own—a universe that you
Speaker:likely play the tiniest role in.
Speaker:Be kind to yourself .- When you find yourself in a situation where social
Speaker:anxiety is taking over,
Speaker:imagine that a close friend is experiencing the same thing.
Speaker:Ask yourself what you would say to them to offer support and encouragement.
Speaker:Chances are,
Speaker:you wouldn’t tell them a fraction of the kind of thing you tell yourself!
Speaker:If you catch yourself thinking,
Speaker:“Well,
Speaker:my friend is a normal person,
Speaker:but obviously it’s different for me because I’m genuinely weird,” then
Speaker:just ask yourself what you would say to a friend who told you this!
Speaker:The Curse Of Taking Things Personally.
Speaker:As you can see,
Speaker:there is a strange irony emerging .- Those who are painfully self-conscious
Speaker:tend to take part in a kind of anxious self-absorption that keeps their focus
Speaker:always on me me me.
Speaker:The people who are relaxed in themselves,
Speaker:comfortable,
Speaker:confident,
Speaker:and successful in social interactions are actually those who are thinking about
Speaker:themselves the least.
Speaker:The spotlight effect can make us wrongly assume that we are somehow the center
Speaker:of things,
Speaker:or that everything that happens around us must in some way connect back to us
Speaker:and what we are doing or saying.
Speaker:The psychological term personalization refers to continually referring neutral
Speaker:events back to the self—for example,
Speaker:assuming that negative events are somehow your fault.
Speaker:A related cognitive distortion is mind reading,
Speaker:where we make quick assumptions about what other people are thinking or
Speaker:feeling,
Speaker:without a shred of evidence.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:someone in a group sighs and says loudly,
Speaker:“I’m bored!” and your immediate reaction is to think that you are not
Speaker:being interesting enough,
Speaker:and that they have leveled something of an accusation at you for not being
Speaker:entertaining.
Speaker:Or a waitress tells you,
Speaker:“Sorry,
Speaker:we don’t let people make substitutions on the breakfast menu,” and you
Speaker:interpret this to mean that she is annoyed with you personally for making a
Speaker:request for a substitution.
Speaker:The fact is,
Speaker:social situations are often ambiguous.
Speaker:There is a lot of information flying around,
Speaker:and other people’s intentions,
Speaker:motivations,
Speaker:thoughts,
Speaker:and feelings are often invisible to us.
Speaker:Nevertheless,
Speaker:we have to make a working model if we are to make sense of other people.
Speaker:Anxious overthinkers tend to do this in a negative,
Speaker:distorted,
Speaker:and unhelpful way.
Speaker:If you’re faced with uncertainty about others’ thoughts,
Speaker:anxiety can make you jump to the conclusion that you are the problem.
Speaker:It takes a little practice to notice yourself doing this and step back.
Speaker:Are there other things going on in the world besides you and how terrible you
Speaker:are?
Speaker:Jokes aside,
Speaker:many of us have learned to personalize through past experience.
Speaker:Our upbringing may have wrongly taught us to accept responsibility for other
Speaker:people’s emotions or behaviors,
Speaker:and we may have gotten into the habit of internalizing blame that isn’t
Speaker:rightly ours.
Speaker:Later,
Speaker:as adults,
Speaker:it’s as though we have a set of dominoes set up,
Speaker:each domino a negative,
Speaker:self-critical thought.
Speaker:An external stimulus (like someone saying “I’m bored!”)
Speaker:sets off the chain of dominoes in an entirely automatic way.
Speaker:In Jaime’s case,
Speaker:when the supervisor said “time to cut to the chase” in the Zoom call,
Speaker:this set off a whole chain of thoughts and feelings in which Jaime felt that
Speaker:not only was the supervisor angry/annoyed (mind reading)
Speaker:but also that she herself was the cause for it (personalizing).
Speaker:The reality is very much smaller and unremarkable .- Jaime’s supervisor said
Speaker:that because he had an agenda and was aware that it was time to move to the
Speaker:next talking point.
Speaker:Pretty boring,
Speaker:huh?
Speaker:This kind of distorted thinking can keep going,
Speaker:domino after domino.
Speaker:Jaime’s rumination then starts to become - Personal—the supervisor has an
Speaker:issue with her directly,
Speaker:and maybe even hates her.
Speaker:Permanent—this is just the way things are now,
Speaker:and will be forever.
Speaker:Pervasive—probably the other supervisors feel the same,
Speaker:and while she’s at it,
Speaker:she guesses most people in her life agree and find her intolerable.
Speaker:If you recognize some of this in yourself,
Speaker:rest assured it’s easy to address.
Speaker:Distinguish between Thoughts,
Speaker:Feelings,
Speaker:and Reality First,
Speaker:understand the difference between feelings and thoughts.
Speaker:Feelings can often be summarized in one word (e.g.,
Speaker:happy,
Speaker:scared),
Speaker:while thoughts are the ideas that drive or follow those feelings.
Speaker:Although you may not control uncomfortable emotions,
Speaker:you can choose coping strategies to respond to thinking traps effectively.
Speaker:Feeling .- Nervous.
Speaker:Thought - “My boss only said a quick “Hi!” today.
Speaker:I must’ve done something to upset him."
Speaker:In this example,
Speaker:the feeling is nervousness,
Speaker:and the thought is assuming that you did something wrong.
Speaker:Recognizing the distinction between the feeling of nervousness and the thought
Speaker:about how others will perceive you can help you cope with the situation more
Speaker:effectively.
Speaker:Finally,
Speaker:recognize that both thought and feeling are completely distinct from the
Speaker:reality of the situation.
Speaker:Practice Labeling.
Speaker:Whenever you experience emotions or thoughts,
Speaker:try to label them separately.
Speaker:Using the previous example,
Speaker:identify the thought behind it,
Speaker:such as assuming the other person doesn’t like talking to you.
Speaker:By recognizing your tendencies to personalize or mind read,
Speaker:you can better understand and manage your emotional responses.
Speaker:By labeling the situation,
Speaker:feeling,
Speaker:and thought,
Speaker:you can separate them and gain awareness of your thoughts.
Speaker:“I feel like he’s annoyed with me ...but that’s just me mind-reading."
Speaker:Now you can see the cause of your distress—your own mind,
Speaker:not the situation—and can take steps to fixing things where it matters.
Speaker:Consider Alternative Explanations.
Speaker:Don’t always take your own word!
Speaker:Generate alternative explanations for the situation you’re evaluating.
Speaker:Explore possibilities that aren’t solely about you,
Speaker:and aim for realistic “best-case” scenarios.
Speaker:By considering different viewpoints,
Speaker:you can shift away from personalization or mind reading and develop a more
Speaker:balanced understanding of the situation.
Speaker:It’s not that you’re looking for the “right” explanation,
Speaker:but rather that you’re getting into the habit of not assuming that your first
Speaker:assessment is correct,
Speaker:and that it is possible to think more accurately and helpfully about a
Speaker:situation.
Speaker:To continue with the example above - 1.
Speaker:“My boss might be under a lot of stress because our department is busy right
Speaker:now."
Speaker:2.
Speaker:“My boss might be having serious problems outside of work,
Speaker:and his mind isn’t on his job today."
Speaker:3.
Speaker:“My boss was being curt because he was rushing to do something else."
Speaker:4.
Speaker:“My boss actually thought he was being friendly;
Speaker:he just wasn’t paying much attention and greeted me carelessly.
Speaker:It means absolutely nothing."
Speaker:5.
Speaker:“My boss was a little abrupt because he was just a moment ago engaging in a
Speaker:tricky task and is still a little flustered."
Speaker:Each of your alternatives has a chance of being true,
Speaker:so why give more credence to one over the other,
Speaker:especially when you have no evidence either way?
Speaker:It may well be the case that your boss is upset with you.
Speaker:But even if he was,
Speaker:why waste time being unhappy about it until you know for sure?
Speaker:The biggest lie of rumination and anxiety is that it is somehow a form of
Speaker:problem-solving behavior.
Speaker:That if we just worry about something enough,
Speaker:we will somehow be closer to fixing a problem or avoiding a disaster.
Speaker:But the truth is actually the opposite .- Worrying drains your energy and makes
Speaker:you less efficient,
Speaker:less capable,
Speaker:less clear-thinking.
Speaker:Basically,
Speaker:it makes you a worse problem-solver.
Speaker:Consider that if you are concerned about what someone thinks,
Speaker:you can always ask them,
Speaker:as soon as possible,
Speaker:and go from there.
Speaker:Stewing in quiet agony about what could or might be feels like doing something,
Speaker:but it isn’t.
Speaker:Only doing something is doing something.
Speaker:Overcoming Generalization.
Speaker:The brain is an amazing tool.
Speaker:When working as it should,
Speaker:it helps you analyze situations effectively,
Speaker:plan and strategize,
Speaker:create new ideas,
Speaker:learn from your mistakes,
Speaker:organize your thoughts and feelings,
Speaker:and solve problems.
Speaker:When it’s not working as it should,
Speaker:it makes problems.
Speaker:Generalizing is simply the act of taking a limited piece of data and
Speaker:extrapolating from it so that you can make conclusions about other situations
Speaker:and scenarios you haven’t encountered yet.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:it’s what allows you to steer clear of all snakes once you’ve been bitten
Speaker:by just one.
Speaker:It’s what lets you know that the letter “a” in one book means the same
Speaker:thing in another,
Speaker:different book.
Speaker:It’s one of the main ways that your brain learns.
Speaker:It’s also one of the main ways that it keeps itself trapped in its own
Speaker:biases,
Speaker:limited beliefs,
Speaker:and fears.
Speaker:For instance,
Speaker:feeling humiliated after giving a wrong answer in class might lead to the
Speaker:belief that this will happen every time a wrong response is given.
Speaker:Such thought patterns can trigger overthinking and fear of humiliation in
Speaker:future social interactions.
Speaker:Here we meet another vicious cycle .- You experience humiliation after speaking
Speaker:up,
Speaker:so the next time you’re in class,
Speaker:you avoid speaking up,
Speaker:and the result is that you feel relief.
Speaker:This relief is a positive reinforcement that teaches you that avoidance and
Speaker:escape “works."
Speaker:You’re more likely to keep on avoiding it.
Speaker:In a way,
Speaker:you could look at all your fixed beliefs and ideas and trace them back to when
Speaker:they were just habits,
Speaker:or even before that,
Speaker:when they were just single experiences.
Speaker:The anxious brain is risk averse.
Speaker:It keeps avoiding what it thinks will bring a negative experience,
Speaker:all the while confirming a)
Speaker:that it is in fact a negative experience and b)
Speaker:that the only way to deal with the situation is to keep on escaping,
Speaker:avoiding,
Speaker:or using other maladaptive coping strategies.
Speaker:Being free of anxious overthinking means that we don’t live in our heads,
Speaker:but in the real,
Speaker:present moment just as it is.
Speaker:We are not constantly inhabiting an idea of the world and what it means—we
Speaker:are just here in the real world,
Speaker:right now,
Speaker:curious about how it is unfolding.
Speaker:We are not interpreting or reacting to our own memories of the situation,
Speaker:or making knee-jerk assumptions and behaving as though they’re absolute truth.
Speaker:We are just aware,
Speaker:alive,
Speaker:and spontaneous in the moment.
Speaker:We know that each moment is entirely new,
Speaker:and just because things went one way in the past,
Speaker:it doesn’t mean they are doomed to go that way forever and ever.
Speaker:If people can relax to actually experience the moment as it is,
Speaker:they may be surprised to discover that their assumptions about it were
Speaker:invariably far worse!
Speaker:In the previous section,
Speaker:we saw how anxious rumination is about a narrowing of attention.
Speaker:In this section,
Speaker:we see that taking tiny amounts of data from this narrowed perception and
Speaker:assuming it applies to all things everywhere all the time is yet another
Speaker:distortion.
Speaker:Here are some ways to counter this tendency and let your brain go back to being
Speaker:something that helps rather than hinders you.
Speaker:Find Counterexamples.
Speaker:Isn’t it funny how quickly and easily we take our own word on things?
Speaker:Even the most naïve and trusting person will not tend to believe everything
Speaker:that they see or read or hear,
Speaker:and yet how often do we do just that when it comes to listening to our own
Speaker:negative self-talk?
Speaker:Try to catch yourself when you’re making an overgeneralization.
Speaker:You can recognize one in a few ways -
Speaker:•It uses sweeping,
Speaker:absolute language like always,
Speaker:never,
Speaker:everyone,
Speaker:none,
Speaker:forever,
Speaker:completely,
Speaker:nothing.
Speaker:These words reveal an all-or-nothing mindset that is seldom a fair reflection
Speaker:of reality.
Speaker:•It talks in vague abstracts rather than concrete specifics.
Speaker:Instead of saying,
Speaker:for example,
Speaker:that you had a bad date last night,
Speaker:you say that you despair of the state of human connection in the modern world.
Speaker:This can happen so quickly you don’t notice it,
Speaker:but pay attention and you’ll see how often you’re tempted to start talking
Speaker:about “things in general."
Speaker:•It talks in terms of absolute qualities and traits instead of transitory
Speaker:behaviors and events.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:you spend the morning procrastinating on a difficult task,
Speaker:and instead of saying “I’m having trouble with this task,” you say
Speaker:“I’m just a lazy person.
Speaker:I’m an avoidant personality type.
Speaker:Always been that way."
Speaker:When you catch yourself overgeneralizing in social situations,
Speaker:challenge those thoughts by actively seeking counterexamples.
Speaker:For instance,
Speaker:if you think “I always embarrass myself in front of people,” recall moments
Speaker:when you didn’t embarrass yourself and instead had positive interactions with
Speaker:others.
Speaker:If you find yourself thinking “People think I’m weird,” then actively
Speaker:look for evidence that some people like you and some have no opinion about you
Speaker:at all.
Speaker:Sounds simple,
Speaker:but you’d be surprised at how unbalanced your inner dialogue really is!
Speaker:Imagine A Third Party.
Speaker:Picture a supportive friend offering perspective on your overgeneralized
Speaker:thoughts.
Speaker:What would they say?
Speaker:Be the voice of reason for yourself and try to objectively assess whether your
Speaker:conclusions are as accurate as they feel in the moment.
Speaker:If you don’t like that exercise,
Speaker:then simply imagine an even more neutral one—for example,
Speaker:imagine what a scientist or reporter from another planet might say about your
Speaker:situation.
Speaker:Imagine,
Speaker:alternatively,
Speaker:that you’re in a court of law,
Speaker:and you are being questioned about “just the facts”—what would you say?
Speaker:Is it really factually true that every single person in your city is awful,
Speaker:or is it just that the person you went on a date with last night was?
Speaker:Be Kind,
Speaker:Be Moderate.
Speaker:You may be thinking “Well,
Speaker:sure,
Speaker:but isn’t it kind of true that there is a decline in the quality of human
Speaker:connection in the modern world?
Speaker:Aren’t I a little bit right about that?"
Speaker:Look for the gray area and the middle ground.
Speaker:Some things can be somewhat true,
Speaker:but even then we can decide how and when we focus on them.
Speaker:Recognize also that just because something isn’t always true doesn’t mean
Speaker:it can never be true.
Speaker:Instead of making sweeping statements like “I never make friends,” consider
Speaker:more balanced thoughts like “I may find it challenging to make friends in
Speaker:some situations,
Speaker:but I’ve also had positive social interactions in the past."
Speaker:You don’t have to resort to phony positive thinking or be delusional
Speaker:(that’s just more black-and-white thinking!),
Speaker:but simply use moderate statements.
Speaker:Even if your work presentation completely flopped,
Speaker:for example,
Speaker:you can say,
Speaker:“I didn’t do well today,
Speaker:and that’s been difficult.
Speaker:But I have given good presentations before,
Speaker:and I know I can figure out what went wrong today and do a better job next
Speaker:time."
Speaker:There is a big difference between “I have no friends” and “I haven’t
Speaker:made friends in my new town yet."
Speaker:Being realistic and honest doesn’t mean we have to be unkind to ourselves!
Speaker:Being moderate in our thoughts is just as much about nuanced thinking as it is
Speaker:about self-compassion.
Speaker:Stop Labeling.
Speaker:Your experiences come and go in your life.
Speaker:They are not who you are.
Speaker:They do not define you.
Speaker:Today,
Speaker:people have more awareness and understanding of psychological concepts than
Speaker:ever before,
Speaker:but a downside of this is that many are far too quick to self-diagnose,
Speaker:pathologize,
Speaker:and label themselves in a way that only limits them and keeps them exactly
Speaker:where they are.
Speaker:Take a look at these examples to see how much of a difference it makes to talk
Speaker:about your experiences versus your identity - “I’m awkward” versus “I
Speaker:felt nervous during that particular conversation."
Speaker:“I’m a bad cook.
Speaker:I hate cooking” versus “I burned dinner."
Speaker:“I’m an empath/highly sensitive person/introvert/Scorpio” versus “I’m
Speaker:feeling overwhelmed right now."
Speaker:“I’m dealing with a lot of P. T. S. D. and unresolved childhood trauma”
Speaker:versus “Today was uncomfortable."
Speaker:Can you see the difference?
Speaker:If you can understand your own life as a series of discrete and transitory
Speaker:experiences,
Speaker:then you never let any single episode forever determine your overall social
Speaker:abilities,
Speaker:your personality,
Speaker:your worth,
Speaker:etc.
Speaker:It’s just something you felt or thought,
Speaker:not something you are.
Speaker:Thoughts,
Speaker:feelings,
Speaker:and behaviors can all change.
Speaker:Your permanent identity cannot.
Speaker:Here is something to consider .- A more moderate way of thinking actually makes
Speaker:life easier.
Speaker:Imagine the example above,
Speaker:where you have a single bad experience of feeling humiliated speaking up in
Speaker:class,
Speaker:and then overgeneralize and avoid speaking up ever again.
Speaker:You may tell yourself all kinds of catastrophic stories - “I always do stuff
Speaker:like this;
Speaker:it’s just typical.
Speaker:People are never going to understand me or like me,
Speaker:so why bother?
Speaker:No one wants to help me,
Speaker:and I bet they’re all sitting there thinking what a loser I am.
Speaker:I can’t do it.
Speaker:It’s hopeless.
Speaker:They hate me,
Speaker:and besides,
Speaker:they wouldn’t get what I was saying,
Speaker:anyway ...” The brain can take a single negative experience and blow it up so
Speaker:large that it encompasses the entire universe and everything in it,
Speaker:spanning all the way into the past and persisting forever more into infinity.
Speaker:If you genuinely started believing yourself when you told these stories,
Speaker:how would you behave?
Speaker:If you really thought that people didn’t understand you,
Speaker:that they were cruel and judgmental,
Speaker:and that you were useless and couldn’t possibly improve,
Speaker:how would that change your behavior in life?
Speaker:•You might avoid ever pushing yourself to try something new
Speaker:•You’d be prone to blaming others when you failed,
Speaker:or just not trying at all so you never have to fail
Speaker:•You’d have trouble trusting and being open with people
Speaker:•You’d give up and stop making new goals for yourself
Speaker:•You’d start to identify with being an underachiever,
Speaker:a loner,
Speaker:a failure
Speaker:•You wouldn’t stand up for yourself if mistreated because,
Speaker:after all,
Speaker:you kind of deserve it,
Speaker:right?
Speaker:•You’d become bitter and apathetic Taking a look at that list (and it’s
Speaker:the kind of list that could keep growing and growing ...),
Speaker:wouldn’t it be easier to just live in the real world,
Speaker:where the discomfort only lasts a few brief minutes and then is gone forever?
Speaker:You could recognize that being a little embarrassed for a moment wasn’t the
Speaker:end of the world,
Speaker:and then push past that transient feeling and continue to speak up,
Speaker:understanding that momentary discomfort doesn’t imply anything about your
Speaker:character,
Speaker:your worth as a human being,
Speaker:or the nature of reality itself.
Speaker:This may sound like an extreme example,
Speaker:but that is the power of overgeneralization—it can take tiny things and turn
Speaker:them into enormous,
Speaker:unmanageable ones.
Speaker:The next time you encounter something uncomfortable,
Speaker:awkward,
Speaker:difficult,
Speaker:scary,
Speaker:tense,
Speaker:or nerve-wracking,
Speaker:just pause and take a breath.
Speaker:Step back and look at your experience from the outside.
Speaker:•Is the thought I’m having or the story I’m telling helpful to me?
Speaker:•Do I have any evidence for the conclusions I’m making here?
Speaker:•Can I replace these thoughts with something a little more moderate?
Speaker:Try to see that the option to generalize is there,
Speaker:available to you.
Speaker:But you don’t have to choose it.
Speaker:Summary -
Speaker:•Often a problem with socializing is really a problem with anxiety on a
Speaker:deeper level.
Speaker:Over-analyzing and rumination is common.
Speaker:If we solve the underlying anxiety problem,
Speaker:we free ourselves up to improve our social skills,
Speaker:just as we would any other skill.
Speaker:•While anxiety narrows and restricts our attention and awareness,
Speaker:socializing requires we open our attention and engage more fully with our
Speaker:external environment.
Speaker:•Social rumination is a cycle;
Speaker:to break it,
Speaker:we need to understand what maintains it.
Speaker:Start by admitting/accepting that your thoughts may be distorted,
Speaker:then separate your appraisal of reality from reality itself,
Speaker:and distinguish discomfort from total disaster.
Speaker:•Occasional anxiety is normal;
Speaker:it’s not dangerous or the end of the world.
Speaker:Embrace imperfection and vulnerability,
Speaker:and question whether there’s any evidence for negative assumptions,
Speaker:conclusions,
Speaker:and judgments.
Speaker:Your expectations may be unrealistic,
Speaker:your standards too high,
Speaker:or you may be ignoring/discounting the positive.
Speaker:•The spotlight effect is a cognitive distortion where people overestimate how
Speaker:much others notice and care about their behavior in social situations.
Speaker:Try to expand your awareness so that you’re not the center of things,
Speaker:and make your appraisals less personal,
Speaker:less pervasive,
Speaker:and less permanent.
Speaker:•Discern between thoughts,
Speaker:feelings,
Speaker:and reality,
Speaker:and consciously consider alternative explanations—sometimes,
Speaker:it’s necessary to simply tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty.
Speaker:•Finally,
Speaker:generalization is taking a limited piece of data and extrapolating from it to
Speaker:situations you haven’t encountered yet.
Speaker:With distorted thinking,
Speaker:overgeneralization can create anxiety.
Speaker:Continually seek out counterexamples of any foregone conclusions you’re
Speaker:making,
Speaker:be kind to yourself,
Speaker:be moderate,
Speaker:and refuse to let isolated experiences define you completely.
Speaker:This has been
Speaker:Social Skills for the Overthinker:
Speaker:Beat Self-Sabotage,
Speaker:Escape Your Comfort Zone,
Speaker:and Get Out Of Your Head (The Path to Calm Book 17) Written by
Speaker:Nick Trenton, narrated by russell newton.
