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Discover Your True Self: A Guide To Finding Your Values
This guide will help you discover your true self by finding your values.
Self-discovery is an important journey that can lead to personal growth
and fulfillment.
00:00:00 How to Find Yourself
00:01:37 Why You’re Having Trouble Knowing Who You Are.
00:05:35 The Real Self And The False Self
00:07:02 The Benefits Of Self-Knowledge.
00:08:47 Finding Your Values.
00:10:21 Don’t Choose Your Core Values, Clarify Them.
00:15:20 Value Clarification, Step By Step.
00:18:49 Putting Your Values To Work.
00:20:27 Your Values - A Powerful Decision-Making Tool.
Are you feeling lost and unsure of who you are? This video offers a
comprehensive guide to self-discovery, focusing on the importance of
understanding your values. We explore the factors that can shape your
identity and the negative consequences of not knowing your true self.In
this video, you'll learn: Why it's crucial to know your values How
your formative years, self-esteem, media, environment, and lifestyle
habits can influence your identity The difference between your real
self and your false self The benefits of self-knowledge A
step-by-step guide to clarifying your values How to use your values
as a powerful decision-making toolBy the end of this video, you'll have a
clearer understanding of who you are and what truly matters to you.
Start your journey of self-discovery today!
Transcript
How to Find Yourself:
Speaker:Self-Discovery,
Speaker:Self-Awareness,
Speaker:and Life Design for Maximum Fulfillment
Speaker:Written by
Speaker:Nick Trenton, narrated by russell newton.
Speaker:It’s a tale as old as time - someone reaches middle age and suddenly,
Speaker:they’re in “crisis."
Speaker:They seem to wake up one morning and look at everything with fresh eyes.
Speaker:It’s as though the party’s over and the lights in the club have been turned
Speaker:on,
Speaker:and they’re seeing everything and everyone around them in a whole new
Speaker:(frightening)
Speaker:light.
Speaker:A question forms in their minds - who am I,
Speaker:really?
Speaker:They notice with alarm that the question is hard to answer.
Speaker:They also notice a creeping sense of dread;
Speaker:a feeling that they feel utterly lost where they are.
Speaker:All at once,
Speaker:they feel rudderless—what are they really doing in life,
Speaker:and what is it that they actually want?
Speaker:Nothing can be as disorienting as realizing that ...you don’t really know.
Speaker:The Oracle at Delphi famously had the words inscribed with,
Speaker:“Know thyself."
Speaker:It sounds nice,
Speaker:but if you’ve picked up this book,
Speaker:chances are you have no idea what knowing yourself actually looks like,
Speaker:or how to do it.
Speaker:There comes a point in many people’s lives when they feel quite keenly that
Speaker:they have absolutely no idea who they are.
Speaker:Whether the sensation creeps up on them slowly,
Speaker:or it comes all at once after a major life event,
Speaker:it feels the same - like you’re completely adrift in life and cannot begin to
Speaker:answer the question,
Speaker:“Who am I?
Speaker:And what do I really want out of this life?"
Speaker:These can be heavy questions,
Speaker:no doubt.
Speaker:Before we start this book,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:there’s one thing you should know - questioning who you are is one hundred
Speaker:percent normal.
Speaker:Seriously.
Speaker:Though it can feel like a major crisis to suddenly feel like a stranger to
Speaker:yourself,
Speaker:realize that confusion on this question is a completely human response to
Speaker:living in a frankly crazy world!
Speaker:If you’re disoriented,
Speaker:overwhelmed,
Speaker:disappointed,
Speaker:exhausted,
Speaker:or just plain old confused—well,
Speaker:congratulations!
Speaker:These are the natural starting points for one of life’s greatest challenges -
Speaker:discovering yourself.
Speaker:This Book Is For You If -
Speaker:•You feel inauthentic somehow,
Speaker:as though you’re not really living the life you’re meant to be
Speaker:•You feel as though you’ve just been carried along with life,
Speaker:and haven’t really chosen any particular path over another
Speaker:•You feel uninspired,
Speaker:unfocused,
Speaker:and have a vague sense of not fulfilling your potential
Speaker:•You Don’T Know What You Want.
Speaker:•You have trouble committing to an occupation,
Speaker:a relationship,
Speaker:or even a particular opinion or worldview
Speaker:•You feel unsettled and unsure of yourself,
Speaker:as though you don’t know what the purpose or meaning of your life really is
Speaker:72 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:23,840 •You feel bored and as though you’ve lost all spark and zest for life
Speaker:•You have trouble clearly identifying your strengths and weaknesses,
Speaker:and don’t have a strong sense of your unique personality or path in life If
Speaker:all this sounds familiar,
Speaker:you might be in need of some good old fashioned soul-searching—and that’s
Speaker:where this book comes in.
Speaker:Before we can answer the question of who we are,
Speaker:though,
Speaker:we need to be honest about why we’re having so much difficulty with the
Speaker:question in the first place.
Speaker:If there are few things in life as important as a solid understanding of
Speaker:yourself as a person,
Speaker:then why is it seemingly so difficult to figure it all out?
Speaker:Why You’Re Having Trouble Knowing Who You Are.
Speaker:Though it seems like self-knowledge is some arduous and long-winded journey,
Speaker:the truth is that it’s a normal and healthy state of mind to know yourself
Speaker:and be in full alignment with your purpose,
Speaker:your interests,
Speaker:your strengths,
Speaker:and your limitations.
Speaker:This bears repeating - self-knowledge is a normal,
Speaker:natural state.
Speaker:The problem is that we live in a world set up to obscure this natural
Speaker:relationship we have with ourselves.
Speaker:Though we might come into the world complete and with a strong sense of what we
Speaker:want (have you ever seen a baby struggle to know what they want out of life?),
Speaker:we can soon lose sight of our own internal compass.
Speaker:The Effect Of Our Formative Years.
Speaker:When you grew up,
Speaker:you didn’t just grow physically—you also grew your personality,
Speaker:preferences,
Speaker:memories,
Speaker:habits,
Speaker:beliefs (including the untrue and limiting ones),
Speaker:and your understanding of what was possible for yourself in the world.
Speaker:This happened in the backdrop of your family life.
Speaker:If your family was dysfunctional,
Speaker:you might have established a foundation for your sense of self that was less
Speaker:than stable.
Speaker:Our parents,
Speaker:siblings,
Speaker:and caregivers can teach us early on who we are,
Speaker:and at that young age,
Speaker:we absorb these narratives without question.
Speaker:What did your family teach you about yourself?
Speaker:Some of us barely think to ask the question because we so completely accept the
Speaker:identity we’ve been given.
Speaker:Maybe you’re someone who was taught that your value as a person came down to
Speaker:how useful you were to others.
Speaker:Early on,
Speaker:maybe your parents installed this belief in you by praising and acknowledging
Speaker:you only when you helped others.
Speaker:You might have grown up with the unconscious beliefs,
Speaker:“I am good when other people think I’m good.
Speaker:I get what I need by helping other people with their needs,” and so on.
Speaker:Such a person may grow up to be a people-pleaser.
Speaker:Others might describe them in amazing terms,
Speaker:but when this person is alone with themselves,
Speaker:they may feel profoundly empty.
Speaker:What do they want?
Speaker:They’re not even sure.
Speaker:Because they have spent so much time focusing their energy and attention
Speaker:externally,
Speaker:they are completely unused to looking inside themselves.
Speaker:They have only practiced serving the needs of others,
Speaker:and they have no idea what their own needs are.
Speaker:This is the person who reaches midlife and feels burnt out and uninspired.
Speaker:They don’t enjoy anything—it all feels like an obligation to them.
Speaker:They want to learn more about who they are,
Speaker:but they seek it externally.
Speaker:They ask their family to validate them.
Speaker:They go to a therapist and ask unconsciously,
Speaker:“Can you please tell me who I am?"
Speaker:Maybe you came from a family where the unspoken lesson was,
Speaker:“Being different is bad."
Speaker:You learned that to get affection and care,
Speaker:you needed to obey and be like everyone else.
Speaker:Being raised this way,
Speaker:you might even feel like the path of personal discovery is just a selfish
Speaker:indulgence,
Speaker:or dangerous somehow,
Speaker:because you might find yourself abandoned or kicked out of “the group” if
Speaker:you try to be unique.
Speaker:Without delving too deeply into it all just yet,
Speaker:can you start asking in a general way what your family taught you about your
Speaker:identity?
Speaker:What role did you play in the family?
Speaker:And how do you think these early experiences have shaped who you are now?
Speaker:The Effect Of Low Self-Esteem.
Speaker:A major roadblock on the way to learning more about who you truly are is the
Speaker:pre-existing belief that you are bad.
Speaker:This belief can be so deeply buried in our unconscious mind that we seldom even
Speaker:notice it anymore,
Speaker:but it’s there anyway.
Speaker:Affecting everything,
Speaker:this feeling that we are somehow wrong or broken or bad or unlovable when
Speaker:compared to everyone else.
Speaker:Many people are carrying around an enormous sense of shame that gets in the way
Speaker:of their self-knowledge.
Speaker:How worthy do you think you are as a human being right now?
Speaker:This can be a hard question to answer.
Speaker:But in answering it,
Speaker:you see the problem - why bother to learn more about someone who is completely
Speaker:worthless?
Speaker:Would you go on a journey to a place you already knew was boring and not worth
Speaker:visiting?
Speaker:Nope!
Speaker:A great impediment to understanding ourselves better is the belief that,
Speaker:on a core level,
Speaker:we’re not really worth getting to know better in the first place.
Speaker:Self-knowledge is an act that intrinsically assumes we count and we matter as
Speaker:people.
Speaker:Maybe you look at the prospect of self-love and think it’s great ...but for
Speaker:other people,
Speaker:not you.
Speaker:Self-discovery can’t happen unless we think that our identity is something
Speaker:valuable and worth not only investigating,
Speaker:but caring for and cherishing.
Speaker:The Effect Of The Media.
Speaker:Let’s come straight out and say it - advertising,
Speaker:media,
Speaker:and news are not interested in helping you find your truest and most authentic
Speaker:self.
Speaker:Their goal is to sway your opinion,
Speaker:to convince you of a story,
Speaker:or,
Speaker:most commonly,
Speaker:to get you to buy something.
Speaker:The best way to get someone to buy something?
Speaker:Draw their attention to all the ways that they are currently lacking and need
Speaker:the thing you’re selling them.
Speaker:Make them keenly feel that something is missing in their lives—and for a
Speaker:price,
Speaker:you have that missing thing.
Speaker:Media of all kinds works constantly to send you the message - you are
Speaker:incomplete.
Speaker:You need something else.
Speaker:If you have that already,
Speaker:then you need more of it.
Speaker:Something is lacking.
Speaker:You are lacking.
Speaker:After all,
Speaker:a completely satisfied and healthy individual is not easily manipulated into
Speaker:buying things they don’t need.
Speaker:The trick is that all of these messages are usually hidden from you.
Speaker:You may be inspired to act and think that you chose to do so independently,
Speaker:because you genuinely wanted to be wealthier,
Speaker:more attractive,
Speaker:or have a cleaner bathroom than your neighbor does.
Speaker:But all the while the message is still being felt - you’re not enough just as
Speaker:you are.
Speaker:So you march onward with the mission to solve a problem that was entirely
Speaker:manufactured in the first place.
Speaker:You feel incomplete,
Speaker:unworthy,
Speaker:dissatisfied.
Speaker:The next time you read the news or scroll through social media or watch a T. V.
Speaker:ad or flip through a magazine,
Speaker:ask yourself what core beliefs are being reinforced,
Speaker:and why.
Speaker:Notice how you feel.
Speaker:If you’re feeling lost,
Speaker:a little pessimistic,
Speaker:and unsure who you are and what you want,
Speaker:you can rest assured that at least some of that feeling has been introduced to
Speaker:you by the media.
Speaker:It sounds sinister,
Speaker:but it’s true - the ideal customer,
Speaker:reader,
Speaker:app-user (or even voter)
Speaker:is one who feels bad about themselves,
Speaker:and who doesn’t really know what they want.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:Because these are the people who can be told what they want.
Speaker:The Effect of an Environment that Reinforces a Lack of Authenticity If
Speaker:you’re unsure of who you are on a deep level,
Speaker:if you feel bad about yourself or if you’re stuck playing a role others have
Speaker:assigned you,
Speaker:you might find yourself in the company of other people who are living similarly
Speaker:inauthentic lives.
Speaker:When you wear a mask,
Speaker:you might find yourself surrounded by others who are also wearing masks.
Speaker:You might have a mask—let’s call it your ego or an identity you’re very
Speaker:attached to—that has a particular impact on those around you.
Speaker:They respond to you and the mask,
Speaker:and in that way reinforce it.
Speaker:Your family may treat you a certain way when you adopt a certain attitude with
Speaker:them.
Speaker:Life itself may seem to reward certain behaviors and discourage others.
Speaker:Maybe you’re in a workplace where vulnerability is treated as suspicious and
Speaker:dangerous,
Speaker:and where fake,
Speaker:insincere people are rewarded.
Speaker:Where personal development is concerned,
Speaker:this point can be particularly painful - as we grow and find out who we are,
Speaker:we may discover that those around us actually don’t like it.
Speaker:We may discover that our friends,
Speaker:family,
Speaker:and partners are attached to a vision of who we are that is not accurate or
Speaker:healthy,
Speaker:and if we change,
Speaker:we do risk causing disruption.
Speaker:In this way,
Speaker:our social environment can powerfully lock us into a way of being that
Speaker:doesn’t feel like it’s genuine.
Speaker:You’ve probably heard of people who make massive life improvements only to
Speaker:find that the people they thought of as their friends actually preferred it
Speaker:when that person has low self-esteem and didn’t achieve much.
Speaker:When one person removes a mask,
Speaker:it highlights that everyone else is wearing one and not removing theirs,
Speaker:and this can be very uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Speaker:Many people put off the dream of delving more deeply into who they are because,
Speaker:on some level,
Speaker:they know that doing so will completely turn their world upside down.
Speaker:The Effect Of Everyday Lifestyle Habits.
Speaker:The previous points have seemed rather enormous in scale—your upbringing,
Speaker:your culture,
Speaker:and so on.
Speaker:But we can also constantly create a life of authenticity for ourselves in the
Speaker:smaller,
Speaker:more everyday habits we choose.
Speaker:You see,
Speaker:the little things add up.
Speaker:In a real way,
Speaker:we are nothing more than the sum of all the tiny actions we take day in and day
Speaker:out.
Speaker:The small choices.
Speaker:Is your life cluttered with meaningless actions that undermine who you really
Speaker:are?
Speaker:Are you quietly opting for a phony life in little ways without realizing it?
Speaker:Brick by brick,
Speaker:we can build a prison around ourselves with our lifestyle habits and our
Speaker:choices.
Speaker:Imagine someone who everyday fritters away money on purchases for a lifestyle
Speaker:they don’t really have.
Speaker:Maybe they’re pressured by others to buy certain things to keep up,
Speaker:as many people are in certain careers.
Speaker:Bit by bit,
Speaker:purchase by purchase,
Speaker:this person creates a life for themselves that is completely phony.
Speaker:They may one day look at it all (the wardrobe,
Speaker:the car,
Speaker:the gadgets,
Speaker:all of it)
Speaker:and feel completely alienated from it.
Speaker:Rather than feel at home in their lives,
Speaker:they look at their lives from afar,
Speaker:unable to identify with any of it.
Speaker:They are imposters in their own identity.
Speaker:The Real Self And The False Self.
Speaker:As you can see above,
Speaker:there is an identity,
Speaker:only it’s a false one.
Speaker:If a person struggling with their identity were to express their unease,
Speaker:people in their lives might say in confusion,
Speaker:“But what are you talking about?
Speaker:You already have an identity—you’re a father/lawyer/American/golfer."
Speaker:But we feel deep down that this ego,
Speaker:this collection of narratives,
Speaker:this story of the roles we’ve been assigned is not who we are.
Speaker:It is an identity,
Speaker:but it is not really ours,
Speaker:not authentic,
Speaker:not genuine.
Speaker:Something inside us tells us that there is something else,
Speaker:something more real,
Speaker:and we’d like to know it.
Speaker:We’d like to find our true identity amid all the noise and confusion.
Speaker:Sadly,
Speaker:finding out who we really are may feel isolating and uncomfortable,
Speaker:since we abandon the old identity that may have been a comfort.
Speaker:Whether you call it your soul,
Speaker:your genuine personality,
Speaker:your identity,
Speaker:or something else,
Speaker:this “real self” is what we’re after.
Speaker:Without it,
Speaker:we can feel disconnected,
Speaker:aimless,
Speaker:depressed,
Speaker:and lonely.
Speaker:We might feel like we go through life in a fog.
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:this isn’t to say that social roles or people’s expectations of us have no
Speaker:place in our identity.
Speaker:This isn’t to say that our family histories or cultures don’t or
Speaker:shouldn’t have any bearing on who we are.
Speaker:Rather,
Speaker:it’s about consciously being aware of what is a mask and what is real.
Speaker:It’s about choosing to connect with our real selves and foregoing things that
Speaker:feel false,
Speaker:insincere,
Speaker:or pointless.
Speaker:When we do this,
Speaker:we are not only crystal clear about who we are,
Speaker:but we are energized—suddenly,
Speaker:the path forward seems illuminated,
Speaker:and we take joy in life again.
Speaker:Take heart - your true self never went anywhere.
Speaker:It’s still there!
Speaker:Our quest is just to find it again and reconnect to it—or connect to it for
Speaker:the first time.
Speaker:In the remainder of this book,
Speaker:we’re going to dig more deeply into this thing called personality so that we
Speaker:have a language to talk about the things we discover about ourselves.
Speaker:We’ll look at psychological models and theories of the self as a kind of road
Speaker:map for understanding our own inner terrains.
Speaker:We’ll also look at the role of the unconscious mind in shaping the false
Speaker:self,
Speaker:and how,
Speaker:when we become aware of these processes,
Speaker:we can start to take charge and become more fully who we actually are.
Speaker:By looking at attachment theory and the ideas around birth order,
Speaker:we can start to see in detail the effect our early childhood experiences have
Speaker:had on us.
Speaker:And finally,
Speaker:we’ll look at Jung’s psychological theories of self and see if they can
Speaker:help us gain a keener insight into the narratives we weave about our own
Speaker:identities.
Speaker:At all times,
Speaker:we are not just looking at dry psychological theory for the fun of it.
Speaker:We are not intending to categorize ourselves (or others)
Speaker:neatly into boxes and call it a day.
Speaker:Rather,
Speaker:these are just tools that can help you get closer to the true self that already
Speaker:exists within you.
Speaker:In learning the vocabulary of personality psychology,
Speaker:you can equip yourself with the models and theories that allow you to become
Speaker:better acquainted with your genuine self.
Speaker:The Benefits Of Self-Knowledge.
Speaker:You might already be convinced of the value of self-discovery,
Speaker:and are rearing to go with the rest of the book.
Speaker:But if you’re still ambivalent about whether self-knowledge is really a
Speaker:worthwhile goal,
Speaker:consider what is really at stake.
Speaker:For people habitually used to putting their own needs and well-being last,
Speaker:self-knowledge can feel like a wasteful indulgence,
Speaker:or a distraction from the stuff that really matters.
Speaker:But knowing who we are deep down is not frivolous—it could affect literally
Speaker:every area of your life—and the lives of those around you.
Speaker:When you know yourself,
Speaker:you’re happier.
Speaker:Plain and simple.
Speaker:This is because you don’t spend effort and time on avoiding or denying who
Speaker:you are.
Speaker:You can relax and be open.
Speaker:When you can express who you are and what you want,
Speaker:other people can see you,
Speaker:and you are more likely to actually get the things you most need.
Speaker:You can let go of dull feelings of alienation and actually start to enjoy
Speaker:yourself—enjoy your self.
Speaker:You can gain immense satisfaction out of just being you.
Speaker:How great is that?
Speaker:When you know yourself,
Speaker:you are not a divided or conflicted person.
Speaker:There are no secrets or masks or hidden agendas or unacknowledged dreams.
Speaker:You are not a mystery to others,
Speaker:and you don’t have two faces.
Speaker:Everything—your words,
Speaker:actions,
Speaker:attitudes—are aligned in the same direction.
Speaker:You are at ease,
Speaker:and other people perceive that ease in you.
Speaker:Strangely,
Speaker:when you are behaving in congruence with your inner self,
Speaker:you are perceived as more honest and genuine,
Speaker:and this can elicit from others the same kind of honesty and openness.
Speaker:This can indirectly improve your connection to others.
Speaker:When you know yourself,
Speaker:you act with clarity.
Speaker:Your choices are not made at random or because of pressure from the outside
Speaker:world.
Speaker:You do what you do because you choose it consciously,
Speaker:and because it fits in with who you are and what you want.
Speaker:You procrastinate less,
Speaker:you are more efficient,
Speaker:and you don’t waste time on projects that don’t matter to you.
Speaker:You seldom feel confused or unsure about the right way to behave or which path
Speaker:to take—knowing who you are answers all of this easily so you can just get on
Speaker:with it.
Speaker:When you know yourself,
Speaker:you can better self-regulate.
Speaker:If you have a good understanding of your weaknesses,
Speaker:temptations,
Speaker:flaws,
Speaker:and blindspots,
Speaker:then you can take smart action to counter them.
Speaker:We can only improve those things that we are honest and conscious enough to
Speaker:admit are flaws in the first place.
Speaker:Thus,
Speaker:self-knowledge improves our willpower and determination.
Speaker:It gives us control over our weak points instead of us being controlled by them.
Speaker:When you know yourself,
Speaker:you are immune to social pressure.
Speaker:That way that advertising and media gets in your head?
Speaker:You’ll be more resistant to it.
Speaker:When people press on your boundaries or try to tell you who you are for their
Speaker:own benefit,
Speaker:you can see it and push against it.
Speaker:This allows you to develop deep,
Speaker:real confidence and determination in your destiny and your choices.
Speaker:You are not guilted into acting against your values,
Speaker:you are less easy to bully or manipulate,
Speaker:and you may even find yourself inspiring and leading others because you show
Speaker:the courage to be authentic with yourself.
Speaker:When you know yourself,
Speaker:it’s easier to have compassion for others.
Speaker:If you can look within and forgive the weak spots,
Speaker:and care for the worthwhile human being that you are,
Speaker:you learn to offer the same generosity and empathy to others.
Speaker:When you are confident in your unique self,
Speaker:you suddenly don’t feel compelled to judge others for who they are.
Speaker:This,
Speaker:again,
Speaker:improves your relationships.
Speaker:When you know yourself,
Speaker:life is just a lot more fun!
Speaker:All of the above makes it seem like self-knowledge is a very serious
Speaker:endeavor—nothing could be further from the truth.
Speaker:Truly understanding who you are is a bit like falling in love,
Speaker:or learning about an amazing new culture when traveling.
Speaker:The world seems so interesting,
Speaker:you feel inspired and excited,
Speaker:and life is filled with juiciness and novelty and possibility.
Speaker:There’s no doubt about it - having a thorough idea of who you are means you
Speaker:live a richer,
Speaker:more meaningful,
Speaker:and more colorful life.
Speaker:Chapter 1 .- Finding Your Values.
Speaker:If you’ve found yourself asking the question “who am I?”,
Speaker:you might have also been asking simultaneously,
Speaker:“What should I do?"
Speaker:Our lack of genuine identity can show itself in an inability to make decisions,
Speaker:to choose a path,
Speaker:to set a goal,
Speaker:or to say what we want—in other words,
Speaker:what we do is a reflection of who we are.
Speaker:If we have a problem with one,
Speaker:we usually have a problem with the other.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:this is where we’ll begin.
Speaker:If you’re unsure of how to act,
Speaker:you’re also probably a little unsure of who you are.
Speaker:Knowing how best to act is a question of knowing what kind of person you are.
Speaker:If you are someone who prioritizes family and social connection above anything
Speaker:else,
Speaker:for example,
Speaker:you don’t need to think too hard about the dilemma of working late nights at
Speaker:the office versus spending quality time with your young children.
Speaker:Your identity informs your choices.
Speaker:In fact,
Speaker:how we respond to life’s dilemmas,
Speaker:choices,
Speaker:and difficulties says a lot about the strength of our own values.
Speaker:We are as we do,
Speaker:and we do according to what we value.
Speaker:Inner values and principles are like a personal manifesto that tells us how to
Speaker:act in any situation.
Speaker:This is our own code of ethics that we’ve devised for ourselves,
Speaker:and it acts like a guiding light even when—or maybe particularly when—the
Speaker:path is unclear.
Speaker:How shall we define “values”?
Speaker:A value is a judgment that makes claims about the priorities we hold in life.
Speaker:They are principles,
Speaker:rules,
Speaker:or beliefs that give meaning to our lives.
Speaker:They are what stop life from feeling empty and meaningless,
Speaker:because they are inherently about meaning—it’s whenever you say,
Speaker:“Thing A is more important and valuable than thing B. ” In saying this,
Speaker:it follows that the right thing to do is thing A. Values not only guide our
Speaker:action when we’re unclear,
Speaker:they give us strength to carry on when the path might be clear but the journey
Speaker:difficult.
Speaker:You might have a really difficult time turning down those extra hours at work,
Speaker:but when you can tune into the deeper value of being present in your
Speaker:children’s lives as they grow up,
Speaker:you are given strength to make a decision that makes you unpopular at work.
Speaker:Granted,
Speaker:many of the values you might hold,
Speaker:consciously or unconsciously,
Speaker:are secondhand.
Speaker:They come to us from our cultures,
Speaker:our parents,
Speaker:our religion,
Speaker:our political environment,
Speaker:even our historical era.
Speaker:Some values might be held uncritically,
Speaker:i.e. you may have them simply out of habit,
Speaker:and haven’t really examined them closely.
Speaker:Others might be personally chosen after extensive deliberation.
Speaker:Values can change over time.
Speaker:We might rebel against the values of our group,
Speaker:accept them completely,
Speaker:or negotiate a little,
Speaker:but we always have the option to be more conscious and deliberate about our own
Speaker:values.
Speaker:If you were put on the spot right now and asked what your values were,
Speaker:how quickly and easily do you think you could answer?
Speaker:Do you think you could easily list five or ten of the things you most value in
Speaker:life?
Speaker:Going even further,
Speaker:could you say confidently that your life mostly aligns with these values?
Speaker:It’s one thing to know what’s right,
Speaker:but there’s very little point in devising a complete book of rules that you
Speaker:never really intend to follow.
Speaker:Don’T Choose Your Core Values,
Speaker:Clarify Them.
Speaker:Though the self-help industry might sometimes have you believe otherwise,
Speaker:your identity isn’t just something you go shopping for like you do a pair of
Speaker:sneakers or a brand of shampoo.
Speaker:You cannot just pick and choose values—they need to be a genuine expression
Speaker:of what you really do care about.
Speaker:This can seem a little like a catch-22 situation—you don’t have an identity
Speaker:so you need to find your values,
Speaker:but how do you know which values you care about without having an identity?
Speaker:The process is not as difficult as it seems.
Speaker:Firstly,
Speaker:know that the process isn’t done all at once—you are not going to uncover a
Speaker:complete and fully-functioning self in an afternoon and start living your best
Speaker:life once you wake up tomorrow morning.
Speaker:It’s a process,
Speaker:and insight will come in fits and starts.
Speaker:In fact,
Speaker:a life well-loved might be one in which you continually revisit the question of
Speaker:identity,
Speaker:with your answers deepening on every attempt.
Speaker:We also need to remember that,
Speaker:in finding values,
Speaker:we are the ultimate arbiters.
Speaker:We decide.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:you might need to take the time to tune out every other voice so you can better
Speaker:hear your own.
Speaker:There is no wrong way to do it.
Speaker:There’s no right answer.
Speaker:There’s only what works for you.
Speaker:Having said that,
Speaker:people are motivated by a lot of different values,
Speaker:which it might help to consider in finding out our own - Financial
Speaker:Independence Or Wealth.
Speaker:Being In Nature.
Speaker:Romantic Love Or Connection With Others.
Speaker:Having Freedom And Independence.
Speaker:Learning And Knowledge.
Speaker:Fun And Adventure.
Speaker:Good Physical Health And Fitness.
Speaker:Spiritual Or Religious Pursuits.
Speaker:Art And Creativity.
Speaker:Work Accomplishments,
Speaker:Leadership,
Speaker:Business.
Speaker:Security And Survival.
Speaker:Social Cohesion And Harmony In A Group.
Speaker:Peace,
Speaker:Calm,
Speaker:And Contentment;
Speaker:Relaxation.
Speaker:Honor,
Speaker:Loyalty,
Speaker:And Dependability.
Speaker:and so on.
Speaker:You might look at all of the above and think that they’re all valuable.
Speaker:But the trick is in identifying your priorities—those things that are best,
Speaker:that bring the most satisfaction and meaning.
Speaker:You may care about creative expression and individuality,
Speaker:but your love of family stability may trump that ten times over.
Speaker:You need to know how each of your needs and preferences rank relative to each
Speaker:another.
Speaker:A good way to find out what matters most is to ask what has seemingly bought
Speaker:you the most happiness and sense of meaning in the past.
Speaker:If you look at all your high points in life,
Speaker:and they all involved adventure and freedom to travel and explore,
Speaker:that tells you something.
Speaker:It works the other way around too - in thinking of your life’s most painful
Speaker:memories,
Speaker:why did they hurt so much?
Speaker:Could it be that these events were moments when your deepest values were
Speaker:disappointed or violated?
Speaker:Tally up the achievements you’re genuinely proud of and see what they have in
Speaker:common.
Speaker:Or,
Speaker:look more closely at your worst failures and blunders and ask why they stung
Speaker:particularly badly—were these times where you acted against your values?
Speaker:Another trick is to look at the people you admire or wish to be like (or even
Speaker:envy)—what values do they exemplify?
Speaker:If all your role models and heroes are self-made entrepreneurs,
Speaker:is this telling you about the value you place on financial independence?
Speaker:Maybe.
Speaker:Or maybe what appeals to you about them is that they’re unique and following
Speaker:their own dreams,
Speaker:breaking the rules.
Speaker:Or maybe they are reflecting your yearning for a life filled with more
Speaker:admiration and recognition.
Speaker:Since you are uncovering your values rather than creating them from scratch,
Speaker:another general technique is to look at all the decisions you are currently
Speaker:making—they may speak strongly to values you might not yet be aware you
Speaker:actually have.
Speaker:Watch yourself closely for a few days or a week,
Speaker:and notice your decisions when faced with a choice to make.
Speaker:Notice how you feel when you choose one thing over another.
Speaker:It might be that you notice yourself often choosing things that leave you
Speaker:feeling bad,
Speaker:and don’t really feel aligned with who you are.
Speaker:It may be that you notice key decisions reflecting your values.
Speaker:Either way,
Speaker:we are already living by values every moment of every day—it’s simply a
Speaker:question of becoming aware of them and asking whether they’re the choices
Speaker:that best reflect the values we hold—or want to hold.
Speaker:Look for patterns.
Speaker:See if you can find any strong feelings one way or another—are there any
Speaker:non-negotiable sentiments?
Speaker:What are you absolutely unwilling to do or give up?
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:What choices make you feel proud and content,
Speaker:and which ones feel like a compromise,
Speaker:an obligation,
Speaker:or even something you’re embarrassed about?
Speaker:Feeling right,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:is just one aspect that helps determine your values.
Speaker:You also need to make informed decisions about what you really believe in that
Speaker:rely on more than just your emotional inclinations at any given time.
Speaker:Say you’re confused about whether you value your career or your connection
Speaker:with friends and family more.
Speaker:You’ve found that abandoning your family for work often leaves you feeling
Speaker:guilty,
Speaker:and so you think maybe you value your family more than your career.
Speaker:The next step here is to try to find out why you feel that way.
Speaker:There can be many factors external to yourself that are influencing this
Speaker:feeling of guilt.
Speaker:Maybe you just have Fomo (fear of missing out),
Speaker:or your family has ingrained a value system in you that says work should always
Speaker:come second.
Speaker:To get a clearer picture of what valuing something really entails,
Speaker:it helps to read a little on the various reasons why one might want to
Speaker:prioritize something over the other.
Speaker:We are rarely aware of all the reasons one or the other might be a good idea.
Speaker:Just a few searches will yield several reasons for either choice.
Speaker:When reading these,
Speaker:don’t just think about which reasons sound more appealing,
Speaker:think about what feels right to you.
Speaker:These will often have a lot to do with what your goals in life are.
Speaker:Are you really ready to sacrifice personal success to have a stronger bond with
Speaker:your family?
Speaker:Or would you rather focus on your career while ensuring your family is
Speaker:important,
Speaker:but not paramount?
Speaker:Thinking in this way will prevent you from repeating the earlier cycle of
Speaker:simply having imbibed certain values from your surroundings without really
Speaker:considering what matters most to you.
Speaker:Values (and the identity that comes with them)
Speaker:are not abstract.
Speaker:They are real,
Speaker:lived things,
Speaker:out there in the world.
Speaker:They express themselves in actions and choices.
Speaker:True,
Speaker:they may not always be expressed perfectly all the time.
Speaker:But the intention is to live by them.
Speaker:They are a yardstick by which to measure your life,
Speaker:whether you achieve that standard or not.
Speaker:This is why it’s more effective to look at your actual life in action when
Speaker:considering values,
Speaker:rather than just sitting down with a piece of paper and pulling nice-sounding
Speaker:ideas out of your imagination.
Speaker:Remember,
Speaker:we are striving for the real self,
Speaker:and not just another false self.
Speaker:What About My Goals?
Speaker:Be honest with yourself.
Speaker:In asking what you value,
Speaker:you are halfway on the road to knowing who you are,
Speaker:and when you know who you are,
Speaker:you know how to act,
Speaker:and why.
Speaker:In trying to find your identity,
Speaker:you might be tempted to start thinking about your goals in life.
Speaker:But this is premature.
Speaker:You can only decide on your goals when you know what you value (and don’t
Speaker:value!).
Speaker:How many of us have chosen a goal,
Speaker:only to reach it and realize it isn’t what we really wanted,
Speaker:or it doesn’t have the desired effect on us?
Speaker:It’s probably because we didn’t stop to think whether our goals actually
Speaker:lined up with our values.
Speaker:Goals are important,
Speaker:but they emerge from our values—not the other way around.
Speaker:Yes,
Speaker:your interests and preferences matter.
Speaker:Your obligations and commitments matter.
Speaker:You need to make plans and understand your strengths and weaknesses.
Speaker:But all of this comes after you do the important work of setting up your values.
Speaker:Without them,
Speaker:you cannot undertake any other task with clarity,
Speaker:and you will have that nagging sense of aimlessness in your life—no matter
Speaker:how many impressive-sounding goals you come up with.
Speaker:When we have our values clearly identified within us,
Speaker:it’s as though life is suddenly clearly outlined,
Speaker:and we can see what is inside that outline and what is outside.
Speaker:We know what is relevant to us,
Speaker:and what is a distraction or a diversion.
Speaker:We know how to assess things,
Speaker:and how to measure our actions.
Speaker:We know where we’re going and what we stand for.
Speaker:And all of this adds up to a life that feels purposeful.
Speaker:We don’t feel wishy-washy or unsure of ourselves—instead,
Speaker:our identify firmly takes shape,
Speaker:and we are consciously aware of who we are and what we’re doing.
Speaker:It’s very simple - we cannot be fulfilled if we don’t have values.
Speaker:Without values,
Speaker:we have nothing to compare our achievements against,
Speaker:and all our actions feel pointless.
Speaker:With values,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:life just flows so much more smoothly.
Speaker:Consider an example.
Speaker:Someone might work hard to discover that their primary value in life is
Speaker:spiritual enrichment.
Speaker:Looking at their lives,
Speaker:they see how so much of their joy has come from reading spiritual and religious
Speaker:texts,
Speaker:volunteering,
Speaker:going to retreats,
Speaker:meditating,
Speaker:and taking plenty of time to be in nature,
Speaker:where they feel closest to the divine.
Speaker:Because this value is strongly identified,
Speaker:it acts as a guiding force for everything in this person’s life.
Speaker:When they’re feeling depressed,
Speaker:they know to stop and ask,
Speaker:“Am I neglecting my spiritual needs?
Speaker:How can I reconnect to that feeling that sustains me and gives me hope?"
Speaker:When faced with a conflict with themselves or with others,
Speaker:they fall back on their code of ethics that comes from their values—they
Speaker:approach problems with compassion,
Speaker:forgiveness,
Speaker:and a little humor.
Speaker:When they’re standing in the checkout line at the supermarket and they see a
Speaker:trashy tabloid paper with a cover designed to inflame and aggravate,
Speaker:this person is able to stop,
Speaker:take a breath,
Speaker:and say,
Speaker:is this me?
Speaker:Is that who I want to be?
Speaker:Then they can turn away and choose not to engage with that kind of material in
Speaker:their life.
Speaker:What you eat and drink,
Speaker:what you say,
Speaker:where you live,
Speaker:the work you do,
Speaker:the clothes you wear—all of this reflects who you are and what you value.
Speaker:In this way,
Speaker:both big and small value decisions create a framework and a foundation for an
Speaker:entire life.
Speaker:When clarified this way,
Speaker:you can see how powerful it is to know one’s own values.
Speaker:Here’s the thing - you already have values.
Speaker:Whether you got them from your family,
Speaker:your society,
Speaker:or Instagram,
Speaker:you have them.
Speaker:Whether you’re aware of them or not,
Speaker:they’re there,
Speaker:guiding your life.
Speaker:So why not make sure the values you have are something you consciously want?
Speaker:We need to be careful that we are always tuning in to the real self,
Speaker:and not another false self.
Speaker:How many times have we heard about the person having a midlife crisis,
Speaker:or a teenager going through “a phase”?
Speaker:They seem to be trying on a few costumes in the attempt to settle on one that
Speaker:fits.
Speaker:People in these transitional states of life may cling to an identity they think
Speaker:they should have,
Speaker:or wished they did have,
Speaker:but it is still not a genuine reflection of who they are.
Speaker:This work takes patience,
Speaker:honesty,
Speaker:and a little determination (and yes,
Speaker:you may need to go through a few awkward “phases” yourself on the way!).
Speaker:Now that we’ve seen what value-discovery isn’t (it’s not about goals,
Speaker:other people’s opinions,
Speaker:or switching out one false self for another one),
Speaker:we can look more closely at what it is.
Speaker:Here’s a step-by-step guide to bring you closer.
Speaker:Value Clarification,
Speaker:Step By Step.
Speaker:Step One .- Clear Your Mind.
Speaker:If we wish to fill ourselves up with something new,
Speaker:we first need to pour out all the old that’s already there,
Speaker:and start fresh.
Speaker:We need to let go of any bias,
Speaker:expectations,
Speaker:or preconceived notions.
Speaker:Being fixed in our thinking,
Speaker:we can imagine we already know the answer to everything—but this
Speaker:understandably undermines the process of discovery.
Speaker:You really need to trust that there is something for you to learn,
Speaker:something unknown out there that you are willing to encounter openly.
Speaker:It’s difficult,
Speaker:but try to drop (at least temporarily)
Speaker:any preconceived ideas about who you are.
Speaker:Your conscious mind may want to jump in and tell you a narrative (“you’re
Speaker:an introvert,
Speaker:you’re a worrier,
Speaker:you’re Xyz”),
Speaker:but set these aside and give some space for your unconscious mind to come to
Speaker:the fore and see new possibilities.
Speaker:We have all been taught which values are “better” than others—we need to
Speaker:forget this lesson if we want to find our own values for ourselves!
Speaker:Step Two .- Start A List.
Speaker:Remember that values aren’t chosen,
Speaker:they’re clarified.
Speaker:Trust that you already have them,
Speaker:you just have to discover them.
Speaker:You don’t want to inadvertently write down a list of all the things that
Speaker:other people expect you to be.
Speaker:Scan the list given earlier and see if any of them spark your interest.
Speaker:If not quite,
Speaker:how could you tweak them so they seem more valuable in your opinion?
Speaker:When compiling a list,
Speaker:start broadly and don’t censor yourself.
Speaker:Add anything that strikes you as important.
Speaker:You might begin by writing “love,” but on further reflection,
Speaker:tease that out a bit more.
Speaker:What kind of love,
Speaker:and why?
Speaker:You might decide that what you really value is brotherly love,
Speaker:friendships,
Speaker:belonging to a community.
Speaker:You could then put “community” on the list and see if that spurs any
Speaker:further values.
Speaker:As you go,
Speaker:draw on both your best and worst life memories to guide you,
Speaker:as described above.
Speaker:The moments you felt most yourself—what was happening,
Speaker:and what were you doing?
Speaker:The moments when you felt frustrated,
Speaker:violated,
Speaker:disappointed,
Speaker:or uncomfortable—what was not happening,
Speaker:and what does this tell you about the feelings you hold dear?
Speaker:You might recall the greatest day of your life so far,
Speaker:the birth of your first child.
Speaker:In thinking about why this felt so amazing,
Speaker:you jot a few more notes on your list.
Speaker:You realize that you felt a deep,
Speaker:deep sense of purpose knowing that you now had someone to look after.
Speaker:You examine those feelings of hope,
Speaker:of dedication,
Speaker:of amazement.
Speaker:You realize that being a parent satisfies some of your core values—selfless
Speaker:love,
Speaker:belonging,
Speaker:trust,
Speaker:and hope for the future.
Speaker:Ask yourself questions to dig closer toward those things in life that bring a
Speaker:sense of meaning.
Speaker:What makes a good day good?
Speaker:What makes you proud and grateful?
Speaker:What makes life worth living (i.e. you’d be miserable without it)?
Speaker:Look not only at the standards you hold for yourself,
Speaker:but those you hold for others.
Speaker:What is a deal breaker for you in your relationships?
Speaker:What is your idea of a person not living a meaningful and purposeful life?
Speaker:Step Three .- Pull It All Together.
Speaker:Eventually,
Speaker:you should have a long list of things you value.
Speaker:Though all of these things are important,
Speaker:they can probably be distilled down to a few main core values.
Speaker:Read over the notes you’ve made and see if you can group them into chunks.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:“community,” “friendship,” and “compassion for others” have a lot
Speaker:in common,
Speaker:as do “independence,” “freedom to follow my own path,” and “part-time
Speaker:employment."
Speaker:Remember,
Speaker:you are not judging anything you have on the list.
Speaker:If you genuinely identify it as a value,
Speaker:put it down.
Speaker:If,
Speaker:on further reflection,
Speaker:you really don’t care all that much about innovation or winning awards,
Speaker:then leave them out.
Speaker:As you work (without attachment or judgment!),
Speaker:you should start seeing some clarity emerge.
Speaker:As much as you can,
Speaker:try to connect these ideas to real life—are these values you’ve actually
Speaker:experienced before meaningful,
Speaker:or have you just been raised or socialized to assume that you want them?
Speaker:Once you have some clusters of values,
Speaker:see if you can dig deep and identify the main theme uniting them all.
Speaker:In our examples above,
Speaker:friendship,
Speaker:compassion,
Speaker:and community all have one thing in common - the joy of shared human connection.
Speaker:Take your time with this—what is it,
Speaker:really,
Speaker:that makes all of the things on your list so appealing to you?
Speaker:Step Four .- Rank Your Values.
Speaker:Some people might find that,
Speaker:even after clustering,
Speaker:they’re still left with a big list.
Speaker:But,
Speaker:life is filled with choices,
Speaker:and since we are limited,
Speaker:we are often called on to choose between two important and worthwhile things.
Speaker:This is why we need to clarify further and prioritize our values.
Speaker:You now want to whittle down to those essential values that you absolutely
Speaker:cannot live without.
Speaker:The most fundamental,
Speaker:most basic needs of yours,
Speaker:without which you’d be completely lost,
Speaker:miserable,
Speaker:or pointless.
Speaker:Even if you can identify a few of these,
Speaker:try to choose between five and ten values that you feel neatly capture the
Speaker:dimensions of what’s most important to you.
Speaker:Then,
Speaker:rank them in order of importance.
Speaker:You might do this in ten minutes or find you need a few days to really
Speaker:contemplate it deeply.
Speaker:Use your feelings as a guide,
Speaker:and remember not to rush—you are setting aside everything you know about your
Speaker:false self so that you can meet the acquaintance of your real self—that takes
Speaker:time!
Speaker:Step Five .- Let Your Values Come Alive.
Speaker:If you write something like “physical health and fitness” as a core value,
Speaker:it may seem a little abstract.
Speaker:Time to embed this sentiment out in the real world and put it into context!
Speaker:You want to put these newly discovered core values into a shorthand form that
Speaker:will inspire you every time you look at it,
Speaker:and remind you precisely of the best things in life—according to your most
Speaker:authentic self.
Speaker:For the person valuing physical fitness,
Speaker:a single beautiful image of a ballet dancer in a powerful leaping pose,
Speaker:mid-flight,
Speaker:might capture the essence of what you value so much - pushing against the
Speaker:limits of human physicality to find beauty and expression in the joy of having
Speaker:a living,
Speaker:moving body.
Speaker:Or,
Speaker:you might find that a certain phrase or quote captures your core value better,
Speaker:a bit like a mission statement.
Speaker:Find a stimulus that triggers a strong emotional reaction—it’s these
Speaker:emotions that point you in the right direction and speak more directly to your
Speaker:inner self than any dry,
Speaker:abstract language could.
Speaker:Step Six .- Try Them On For Size.
Speaker:No,
Speaker:you’re not done quite yet!
Speaker:Value discovery is an ongoing process.
Speaker:Once you’ve identified and condensed your core values,
Speaker:see how they fit out in real life.
Speaker:Leave the list for a while and come back to it,
Speaker:seeing how it feels.
Speaker:Do you feel comfortable,
Speaker:in alignment,
Speaker:and clear ...or are some things still not quite feeling like “you”?
Speaker:Look for the hidden voice of your parents,
Speaker:your culture,
Speaker:etc.,
Speaker:and ask whether they’ve been swaying your list or the way you rank things.
Speaker:If your intuition pipes up,
Speaker:listen to what it says.
Speaker:This may sometimes feel like vague,
Speaker:flimsy work,
Speaker:but rest assured that you are exploring exciting new realms that many people
Speaker:never give themselves permission to enter.
Speaker:And that’s that.
Speaker:Your core values distilled into a concentrated essence that tells you a lot
Speaker:about who you are as a person,
Speaker:and helps you answer a range of questions from,
Speaker:“What should I do?” to,
Speaker:“What do I want right now?"
Speaker:Putting Your Values To Work.
Speaker:Of course,
Speaker:values aren’t just things you “have."
Speaker:Discovering your values is about so much more than simply creating a list.
Speaker:Your identity is what results when you express your values in the world.
Speaker:In other words,
Speaker:a consistently lived value becomes identity.
Speaker:Once you have comfortably identified a core value list that makes you happy,
Speaker:you need to do the hard work of asking how well you actually manifest this
Speaker:value in your own life.
Speaker:Many people claim that they value their families and children more than
Speaker:anything,
Speaker:but anyone could look at their life and see that on the ground,
Speaker:that person doesn’t spend any time at home,
Speaker:forgets their kids’ birthdays,
Speaker:and just recently spent their college money on a sports car.
Speaker:That person may truly value their family,
Speaker:but their actions are badly out of alignment with that value.
Speaker:It’s time for you to see how much these values are actually appearing in your
Speaker:own life.
Speaker:When you are faced with a choice,
Speaker:do you actually behave like a person who holds the values you claim to?
Speaker:If you’ve placed one value as a priority over all others,
Speaker:is that actually reflected in the amount of time,
Speaker:money,
Speaker:and energy you spend on it?
Speaker:A great way to do this is to actually draw up a chart.
Speaker:Put all your values in a column on the left,
Speaker:and in a column on the right,
Speaker:rate from one to ten your level of satisfaction on this value.
Speaker:If you prize art,
Speaker:beauty,
Speaker:and poetic expression,
Speaker:for example,
Speaker:do you feel that this need/value of yours is in reality fulfilled?
Speaker:Rate all your values this way,
Speaker:remembering that you want to be honest and judgmental—no point in lying to
Speaker:yourself or pretending.
Speaker:You can probably guess what this list will allow you to do next.
Speaker:Take a look at your ratings.
Speaker:For the lowest ranking,
Speaker:can you write down,
Speaker:in a third column,
Speaker:some concrete actions you can take to bring that value more into your life?
Speaker:If you can do this,
Speaker:you might notice something magical—you have suddenly given yourself a smart,
Speaker:data-driven way to answer the question,
Speaker:“What should I do and what do I want from life?"
Speaker:You already know that if you take action toward any of these unfulfilled
Speaker:values,
Speaker:you are guaranteed to increase your sense of meaning and purpose.
Speaker:What a powerful tool to have!
Speaker:From here,
Speaker:you can begin to turn your mind to goals.
Speaker:The goals you make from this point in the process will be properly informed by
Speaker:what truly matters to you in your life.
Speaker:Let’s say you notice that you value knowledge and learning,
Speaker:but are embarrassed to find that,
Speaker:even though you’ve ranked it as one of your top three values,
Speaker:you can’t even remember the last time you did something to satisfy that need.
Speaker:You immediately set some goals for yourself - you sign up for a philosophy
Speaker:course,
Speaker:buy a few fun novels and commit to a daily reading quota,
Speaker:or sign up to learn a skill or craft you’ve always wanted to learn.
Speaker:These actions might feel a little scary,
Speaker:especially if you are taking a big step out of your comfort zone,
Speaker:but they should in a broad sense feel right—they should feel like you are
Speaker:taking the right step in the right direction.
Speaker:Keep this chart somewhere safe,
Speaker:and return to it in a few weeks or months to check on your progress.
Speaker:How do you rate your expression and fulfillment of a certain value now,
Speaker:after achieving some goals?
Speaker:What adjustments can you make?
Speaker:Don’t be too surprised to find that you need to reorder your values or drop a
Speaker:few completely.
Speaker:Sometimes,
Speaker:only practical experience will teach us what is real and what is just illusion.
Speaker:This is something to celebrate—as you fine tune your list,
Speaker:you are getting closer and closer to your genuine self,
Speaker:and trimming away at the false self.
Speaker:Your Values .- A Powerful Decision-Making Tool.
Speaker:As we’ve seen,
Speaker:values are living things;
Speaker:they are practical,
Speaker:action-based principles.
Speaker:And one of the most practical ways to bring them to life is to allow them to
Speaker:guide and shape your decision-making process.
Speaker:There are two ways to do this.
Speaker:The first is to ask yourself,
Speaker:“How would a person with my values behave in this situation?"
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:you’re someone whohas discovered that you derive enormous satisfaction and
Speaker:meaning out of being diligent,
Speaker:hard working,
Speaker:and dedicated.
Speaker:You feel proud when you start something and finish it,
Speaker:no matter what.
Speaker:You are happiest when you think of yourself as someone who follows through,
Speaker:and who keeps their word.
Speaker:You value integrity.
Speaker:Along comes a choice one day.
Speaker:In this case,
Speaker:it’s just a small choice - the decision between cutting corners on a project
Speaker:where it won’t really matter,
Speaker:or doing a proper,
Speaker:complete job even though it would take a little more time and energy.
Speaker:If you value integrity,
Speaker:the right choice is obvious - you do the job well.
Speaker:Not because of the external rewards or pressures,
Speaker:but because you already know that you value doing a good job.
Speaker:Naturally,
Speaker:if you were a different person with different values,
Speaker:the “right” choice might be exactly the opposite one.
Speaker:The second way to use values to help with decision-making is to consciously
Speaker:imagine the outcome of certain choices in the future,
Speaker:and then weigh up this outcome against your list of prioritized values.
Speaker:This works a little better for bigger decisions that play out in the long term.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:you might be wondering whether to accept a new job offer.
Speaker:You carefully imagine what your life would look like one,
Speaker:two,
Speaker:or five years in the future if you accept this offer.
Speaker:You try to imagine all the effects this will have on your finances,
Speaker:your family life,
Speaker:your lifestyle in general,
Speaker:your career,
Speaker:and so on.
Speaker:Take your time exploring this potential future.
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:from this position,
Speaker:inside your future vision,
Speaker:take another look at your values list.
Speaker:Living your future life,
Speaker:does your satisfaction rating for any of your values go up or down?
Speaker:Maybe you see that your financial situation would improve,
Speaker:but actually,
Speaker:financial wealth is not a value on your list.
Speaker:You notice also that the new job would have you move further away from family,
Speaker:and spend more time in the office.
Speaker:This would negatively affect your identified value of family time,
Speaker:parenting,
Speaker:and a happy home life.
Speaker:On the other hand,
Speaker:your future self will also experience a boost in occupational
Speaker:fulfillment—which is on your list.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:what decision do you make?
Speaker:Because you have ranked your values,
Speaker:you can see that career achievement is important to you,
Speaker:but it’s not as important as a happy family life.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:your decision is made.
Speaker:You don’t take the job.
Speaker:You do this with full knowledge not just of how the job will affect you,
Speaker:but how it will affect your values.
Speaker:You know that the choice you make is one that brings you closer to your
Speaker:fulfilled,
Speaker:properly aligned,
Speaker:and contented self,
Speaker:and further away from a false self (i.e. the one that knows that the job is
Speaker:“once in a lifetime” and that all your friends will think you’re crazy
Speaker:for turning it down ...)
Speaker:It’s likely that you will have some values that conflict with each other.
Speaker:Like the person who values his family but ignores them nonetheless,
Speaker:we can value our career and family both at the same time.
Speaker:In such cases,
Speaker:a simple ranking won’t always help us.
Speaker:We might generally value one over the other,
Speaker:but that does not mean we should choose the thing we value more every single
Speaker:time.
Speaker:This is true even when we don’t have value conflicts like these.
Speaker:Decision-making is an active process;
Speaker:we can’t simply compile certain values and rely on a ranking to have every
Speaker:choice pre-decided for us.
Speaker:While a ranking chart is a good general guide to what we should do,
Speaker:we still need to make decisions on a case-by-case basis.
Speaker:Coming back to the value conflict,
Speaker:the best way to resolve this clash is to take a balanced approach.
Speaker:You can prioritize family on some occasions,
Speaker:and your career on others.
Speaker:If there is something preventing you from doing this,
Speaker:maybe your time management,
Speaker:attempt to work on those issues so that you don’t feel like you’re skimping
Speaker:on one thing you value for another.
Speaker:The examples we’ve discussed here are necessarily small and quite simple.
Speaker:But it’s hard to overstate just how much your life can change when you apply
Speaker:your values list consistently.
Speaker:When you are guided by your core values,
Speaker:you have a certain gravity and weight to your character.
Speaker:You have direction and purpose.
Speaker:You can more easily bear difficulty and are more resilient because your energy
Speaker:and attention is focused on one point,
Speaker:rather than being diffuse and reactive.
Speaker:It may seem like a simple solution,
Speaker:but in the end,
Speaker:we are what we value.
Speaker:A well-considered values list is a tool that clarifies our will and intention,
Speaker:motivates and inspires us,
Speaker:and keeps us going in difficult or confusing times.
Speaker:By now you can probably see that the problem we call “not knowing yourself”
Speaker:is more accurately the problem of “not knowing what you care about."
Speaker:Takeaways.
Speaker:•A value is a rule,
Speaker:principle,
Speaker:or belief that gives meaning to your life.
Speaker:It is usually something you consider very important in life and base many of
Speaker:your decisions around.
Speaker:This is why when you’re confused about what to do in a certain situation or
Speaker:circumstances that you find yourself in,
Speaker:the cause is usually a lack of clarity on what your real values are.
Speaker:•If you’re not sure what your values are in life,
Speaker:don’t worry;
Speaker:discovering them is not hard.
Speaker:However,
Speaker:the process does take time,
Speaker:and you won’t simply wake up tomorrow with complete knowledge of what your
Speaker:values are.
Speaker:•The first step to discovering what your values are is to simply abandon all
Speaker:preconceived notions you have of who you are.
Speaker:Often,
Speaker:the values we have been living by are actually derived externally.
Speaker:This can be through our family,
Speaker:culture,
Speaker:historical era,
Speaker:etc.
Speaker:By starting from a clean slate,
Speaker:we avoid such influences from clouding our judgment regarding our true values.
Speaker:•Next,
Speaker:think about the things that you feel most strongly about.
Speaker:This could be personal success,
Speaker:close family bonds,
Speaker:serving others in the form of social work,
Speaker:etc.
Speaker:Finding one will often lead you to other values you hold because they point to
Speaker:a “higher” value you possess.
Speaker:Thus,
Speaker:valuing family over career means that your interpersonal relationships in
Speaker:general are valuable to you.
Speaker:•Once you have a complete list of values,
Speaker:think about your goals in life and how your values align with them.
Speaker:Are the things you’re doing now in conjunction with your values and goals?
Speaker:If not,
Speaker:think of ways you can change that and live a life that is truer to your real
Speaker:self.
Speaker:•As you discover your values,
Speaker:doing actions that promote them will help you decide what it is that you really
Speaker:consider important.
Speaker:This has been
Speaker:How to Find Yourself:
Speaker:Self-Discovery,
Speaker:Self-Awareness,
Speaker:and Life Design for Maximum Fulfillment
Speaker:Written by
Speaker:Nick Trenton, narrated by russell newton.
