full
Silence Your Inner Critic & Master Positive Self-Talk (Stop All-Or-Nothing Thinking!) AudioChapter from Stop Negative Thinking AudioBook by Nick Trenton
Stop Negative Thinking: How to Control Your Thoughts, Stop Overthinking, and Transform Your Mental Habits (The Path to Calm Book 9) By: Nick Trenton
00:00:00 Stop Negative Thinking
00:07:28 Problem 1 - The All-or-Nothing Disease
00:12:43 Problem 2 - “Out of Power” Language
00:18:16 What To Do About It
00:23:08 How To Identify Your Cognitive Distortions
00:25:37 Mental Filtering
00:28:57 Personalization
00:30:58 Jumping to Conclusions and Mind-Reading
00:32:40 Catastrophizing
00:39:21 How To Challenge Your Inner Critic
00:42:57 What Positive Self-Talk Actually Looks Like
Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/3S6g6rZ
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BGFGX5NH
Who is in control of your mood and life - you or your wayward thoughts and emotions?
Here's the thing - life is what we think it is. And we can control our thoughts. It's time to transform your negative thoughts into a fulfilling, empowering, and positive narrative.
How a little bit of self-acceptance and compassion will change your life.
Stop Negative Thinking understands the struggles you are going through. The author of this book understand that you can't sleep at night, you overreact, and you appear to be sensitive. That you are plagued with self-doubt, you often feel no self-value, and that things are just too hard for "someone like you." He's been there, and he gets it.
That's why this book is so darned effective. It truly takes you through the psychology of negative thinking and breaks it down for what it is: cognitive distortions brought on by damaging self-perceptions. He takes you through the entire process of how to pre-empt negative thoughts, cope with them, and finally hear yourself of them.
Learn advanced psychology techniques to drastically alter your perspective.
Nick Trenton grew up in rural Illinois and is quite literally a farm boy. His best friend growing up was his trusty companion Leonard the dachshund. RIP Leonard. Eventually, he made it off the farm and obtained a BS in Economics, followed by an MA in Behavioral Psychology.
Learn to understand what your brain is telling you - and switch it for something better!
The ways your self-talk can influence the tiniest things in your life
The cognitive distortions you use everyday without realizing
How to analyze your thoughts - right in the moment
Growing your self-awareness or how you form your emotions
Self-soothing and how to cope with stress and negativity
Battling toxic positivity and being real and vulnerable with your negativity
Packed with actionable techniques to see the world differently - immediately.
#BehavioralPsychology #LuciliusSeneca #NickTrenton #Stoic #StopNegativeThinking #Thinking #Trenton #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #StopNegativeThinking #SilenceYourInnerCritic #MasterPositiveSelf-Talk #StopAll-Or-NothingThinking
Transcript
mental models, 30 thinking tools that separate the average from the exceptional,
Speaker:improved decision-making, logical analysis, and problem-solving, written by
Speaker:Peter Hollins, narrated by Russell Newton, copyright 2019 by Peter Hollins,
Speaker:production copyright by Peter Hollins.
Speaker:If you've picked up this book, there's a good chance that you've noticed that
Speaker:your own internal thought processes are not what they could be.
Speaker:Pervasive negative thinking is the kind of problem that initially seems to fly
Speaker:under the radar. A person with a predisposition to interpret everything in
Speaker:a negative light can convince themselves, for a long time, that they are
Speaker:completely neutral and objective observers, and the negativity simply lies
Speaker:in what they're observing. That there seems to be an awful lot of negativity
Speaker:out there only dimly arouses their suspicion. Pervasive negative thinking
Speaker:is like having a poisoned pot in your kitchen, so that everything you cook in
Speaker:that pot becomes poisoned too. You think you have one problem, everything you eat
Speaker:seems to make you sick, but in fact you have another perhaps more serious problem
Speaker:you continue to use the poisoned pot. If you regularly find yourself saying,
Speaker:things like, everything is awful, then you can be pretty sure that you have a
Speaker:poisoned pot in your mental kitchen. So much personal development and self-help
Speaker:material out there is designed to help you fix the problems that your mind has
Speaker:told you are there. How do I stop being so lazy and unmotivated? How do I get
Speaker:over being so fat and out of shape? How do I stop being such a loser? But you can
Speaker:see the problem. The solution you really need is to be curious about the mindset
Speaker:that allows you to think that you are a fat lazy loser in the first place. You
Speaker:already know that the way you think influences how you see yourself, the
Speaker:world, and everyone around you, but it goes even further than this. How you think
Speaker:doesn't just influence your life, it is your life. If the mind is the means by
Speaker:which we tell our story, interpret those stories, and ascribe meaning to our
Speaker:experiences, then the mind is more or less in charge of all of it. The way we
Speaker:think determines what we believe is possible, how we solve problems, what we
Speaker:can expect in the future and how to plan for it, and therefore how we act. The way
Speaker:we think tells us why our experiences happened and what they mean, and
Speaker:therefore our value in that story, i.e., our self-worth. The way we think
Speaker:highlights certain events as all-important and allows us to forget
Speaker:others so that we reinforce not what is most real, but what most fits our
Speaker:assumptions. The way we think even decides what enters our conscious
Speaker:awareness in the first place and determines which parts of the big wide
Speaker:world we never even realize are right there. So, if your thinking is heavily
Speaker:skewed to the negative, you have a serious problem.
Speaker:Humankind has long recognized the possibility of having so warped and
Speaker:distorted a mental filter that the person is assumed to have lost touch with
Speaker:reality entirely. We know that people in severe depressive episodes, or those
Speaker:with psychosis or paranoia, have not just made a
Speaker:misinterpretation of reality. They can't see it at all.
Speaker:And yet, how many normal people are walking around with a head full of
Speaker:thoughts that are just as unconnected to reality?
Speaker:If a paranoid schizophrenic says, I'm Queen of the Moon,
Speaker:and I need to find my way back there before the Mole people catch me,
Speaker:we can easily recognize the claim for what it is nonsense.
Speaker:But if a friend tells you, I can't come with you to the speed dating thing
Speaker:tonight, that kind of thing just doesn't work for me.
Speaker:Plus, I'm too old. Then, you might not only take their word
Speaker:for it, you may even start to behave as though
Speaker:it's 100% true. But if you look closely,
Speaker:the second claim has no more evidence to support it than the first.
Speaker:What's more, the second claim can wreak havoc just as surely as the first one
Speaker:can. Perhaps it can cause even more damage.
Speaker:As you embark on the approaches and techniques covered in the rest of this
Speaker:book, you'll be trying to do something you may
Speaker:not have done before. Think about how you think.
Speaker:This is called metacognition. Trying to change negative thinking is a
Speaker:peculiar task because we're attempting to change our minds
Speaker:using our minds. If we bring negativity to the process,
Speaker:we only amplify the problem of negative self-talk rather than
Speaker:address it at its root. Therefore, as you read, try to bear a few things in mind.
Speaker:You'll need to think in ways you haven't thought before.
Speaker:This means that the exercises will necessarily
Speaker:feel unfamiliar, awkward, uncomfortable, even wrong.
Speaker:This isn't a problem or a sign that you should stop.
Speaker:It's only proof that you're stepping outside of your comfort zone.
Speaker:You are not broken or unique in your tendency to think negatively.
Speaker:In fact, the preference for focusing on the negative
Speaker:has been hardwired into your brain over thousands of years of evolution.
Speaker:More on this in our final chapter. So you don't need to feel ashamed.
Speaker:And you certainly don't need to feel negative about how negative you feel.
Speaker:From this moment on, you will no longer take your own word for it.
Speaker:In other words, you'll make a deal with yourself that from now on,
Speaker:you will understand thoughts for what they are. Thoughts.
Speaker:Not reality. Not truth. Not fate or destiny. Just thoughts.
Speaker:Just electrochemical activity in your brain.
Speaker:Finally, at no point in the chapters that follow
Speaker:are you required to be relentlessly optimistic.
Speaker:Changing the way you think is not about self-deception, denial,
Speaker:or believing comfortable lies. To say it another way,
Speaker:being a negative thinker is not the same as being more intelligent,
Speaker:more realistic, or more pragmatic. We'll explore each of the ideas above in more
Speaker:details we go along, but for now it's enough to simply be aware of one thing.
Speaker:Our ability to genuinely change our thought patterns is not some superhuman ability
Speaker:reserved for just a few people. It rests on two things. One, honest awareness, and two,
Speaker:a willingness to take conscious and inspired action. That's all. Just those two things.
Speaker:That means that no matter how negative your thought patterns currently are,
Speaker:and no matter how trapped and frustrated you currently feel, it is possible to change. In fact,
Speaker:by beginning this book, you've already made the first small step in the right direction. Well done.
Speaker:Problem one, the all or nothing disease.
Speaker:Your brain is great at what it does. Its job is to make the world navigable for you.
Speaker:It creates shortcuts, rules, or heuristics, and predictions so that you can make sense
Speaker:of the events unfolding around you. Your ancestors survived precisely because
Speaker:they were able to do this, and putting it bluntly, make sweeping generalizations
Speaker:and apply stereotypes, and you do it too. Let's say one day you try Nepalese cuisine
Speaker:and find it absolutely disgusting. You make a conclusion. I don't like Nepalese food.
Speaker:This conclusion prevents you from repeating the unpleasant experience,
Speaker:and at least from a neurological perspective, you can be said to have learned and expanded
Speaker:your experience of the world. However, there's one inconvenient problem. Your conclusion?
Speaker:It isn't true. Our mental shortcuts, assumptions, biases, and stereotypes are great at saving time
Speaker:and effort, but are not 100% accurate 100% of the time. When we take a single experience and
Speaker:extrapolate our conclusions to apply to other experiences we haven't actually had yet,
Speaker:we gain a sense of control and mastery over the situation, but at the risk of losing accuracy
Speaker:and nuance. Our world becomes more manageable, but that's because it's become smaller.
Speaker:So the truth may be that you only dislike around 60% of the most common Nepalese dishes,
Speaker:but you've rounded this up to all Nepalese food and carried on with life,
Speaker:none the wiser that you've oversimplified reality in this way.
Speaker:Whenever you use the following words, oversimplifying reality is exactly what you're doing.
Speaker:Never, always, all, none, forever, never. To counter all too common black or white thinking,
Speaker:people are told to drop these words from their vocabulary. This is a good start,
Speaker:but it's not the words you need to be on guard for, but the sentiment behind them.
Speaker:Anytime we over extrapolate from one experience to other experiences we haven't had,
Speaker:we're making an error. Thinking in extremes is a problem, because it's inaccurate, yes,
Speaker:but the bigger problem is that you are living as though it is true, and this goes far beyond
Speaker:what words you use or don't use. For example, Jenna finds socializing difficult and is having
Speaker:trouble making friends in a new city. After a few weeks of trying unsuccessfully to join
Speaker:meetup groups or connect with people at her gym or church, she says the following to a friend
Speaker:back in her hometown. You know how it is. It's harder to make friends in your 30s,
Speaker:especially if you don't have kids. People just don't have time to socialize.
Speaker:Everyone stays in their own little clique, and it's impossible to get to know them.
Speaker:Jenna's friend agrees instantly. Wouldn't you? The trouble is, although Jenna hasn't used the
Speaker:words never, all, or always, she is still extrapolating to any enormous degree.
Speaker:Step one, my current experience is XYZ. Step two, therefore, XYZ is now the way it is
Speaker:for all people in all times and will forever be.
Speaker:The Jenna could have said, I'm having a little difficulty these first few weeks trying to meet
Speaker:people, or I haven't really connected with anyone at the gym yet. Instead, she concocts a broad theory
Speaker:about all people everywhere. In fact, she makes a pronouncement so grand and all-encompassing
Speaker:that it seems to speak to the human condition as a whole. People just don't make friends in their
Speaker:30s. Can you see how she makes this statement as though it were as naturally obvious and true as
Speaker:the law of gravity? It isn't a natural law, but what Jenna has done is created a world in which
Speaker:it is. Then she lives in that world. She behaves as though it were true. Without even knowing it,
Speaker:she begins to lessen the effort she makes to meet people. She goes through all the motions,
Speaker:but at the back of her mind is this little theory of human nature that she's created,
Speaker:which says, people aren't really interested. You can't join their little clique as hard as you try.
Speaker:So she tries, but not really, and it doesn't go anywhere.
Speaker:People don't respond to her lukewarm efforts, and this reflects her own ambivalence.
Speaker:Et voila! Jenna finds herself living in a world that looks suspiciously like how she said it would
Speaker:look. This is the natural result of thinking in extremes, using all-or-nothing language,
Speaker:and making grand theories off the back of one or two personal experiences. A self-fulfilling
Speaker:prophecy. When we talk about the world as though it's either black or white, all-or-nothing,
Speaker:perfect or abysmal, then that is precisely the way it becomes.
Speaker:Problem 2. Out-of-power language. Let's stay with Jenna's example. In particular,
Speaker:her claim that everyone stays in their own little clique and it's impossible to get to know them.
Speaker:You've probably heard people say things like this before, or maybe you say them yourself,
Speaker:things like this. Look, I'll give it a try, but you know how these things go.
Speaker:It's always such drama trying to get a straight answer out of these people.
Speaker:Well, I've come down with the flu, so the whole weeks are right off.
Speaker:Let's be honest, we live in a world that can be incredibly difficult in trying. There's a lot
Speaker:going on out there, and with a 24-hour news cycle hell-bent on reminding everyone of the
Speaker:near constant catastrophes unfolding all around us, it's no surprise that most people's default
Speaker:setting is a mild, or not so mild, pessimism, but words have power. When you speak, you're not
Speaker:only saying, this is how the world is to those around you, you're saying it to yourself.
Speaker:This is the way I am. When Jenna says, everyone stays in their own little clique and it's
Speaker:impossible to get to know them, she is actually saying a lot more. She's saying the situation
Speaker:cannot be changed, i.e., it's hopeless. She doesn't have any real control over how it plays out,
Speaker:or any agency to change the outcome. This is true not just for some people, but for all people,
Speaker:including those she hasn't met yet. Life is largely determined by other people's choices,
Speaker:not her own. The entire friends-making endeavor is, at its core, a negative experience.
Speaker:Pretty heavy, huh? Jenna takes all this and carries it with her to every single meet-up
Speaker:and get together. It impacts her ability to perceive whether people are being kind and
Speaker:friendly to her or not. It changes the way she responds to rejection, or imagined rejection.
Speaker:It alters how she thinks of other people, self-absorbed, kind of mean, and herself,
Speaker:and outsider, passive. In fact, Jenna echoes this very sentiment to someone new she meets at
Speaker:gym one day. Oh my gosh, it's so nice to finally meet someone cool. People in this town can be
Speaker:a little uptight, don't you find? Very subtly, she tells the other person exactly what her world is
Speaker:like, without knowing it, and perhaps without the other person knowing it either. That feeling of
Speaker:hopelessness, negativity, and passivity is quietly shaping her world, and not in good ways.
Speaker:Jenna wants to communicate. I'm having a hard time meeting people at the moment,
Speaker:and instead communicates, people don't meet my standards. I'm subtly judging them for not including
Speaker:me. If you were the person in the gym, which attitude would you find more attractive and
Speaker:appealing? Anytime we use out-of-power language, i.e. language that is passive, self-victimizing,
Speaker:doubtful, angry, unconfident, fearful, excuse-making, or pessimistic, we send out
Speaker:powerful messages to ourselves and others, and these messages come back to us. We can see our
Speaker:attitude reflected to us in the way we feel about ourselves, the way people respond to us,
Speaker:and the way our life is unfolding in general. If all we see and experience is negative,
Speaker:there's a good chance that we are likely the common denominator. Remember the poisoned pot?
Speaker:Habits of speech reflect thought patterns, but in time they become our choices and actions,
Speaker:and these change and shape our world so that it literally conforms to the thoughts we have about
Speaker:it. This is powerful stuff. Like a sculptor who creates a statue with each scrape of the chisel,
Speaker:you are bit by bit creating your own reality with every word, thought, and action.
Speaker:Luckily for us though, destructive habits can be identified and replaced. Try it yourself,
Speaker:right now. It's easy to see the principle in hypothetical Jenna's life, but what does it
Speaker:look like in yours? There's a good chance you don't even know. The most damaging and stubborn
Speaker:thought patterns are those that we're not aware of. That means our first task is to become aware of
Speaker:them. You can't look inside your head, but what you can do is monitor your language and infer
Speaker:the contents of your head. Your verbal habits will tell you everything you need to know.
Speaker:For the next 24 hours, commit to neutrally observing the language you use to talk to and
Speaker:about yourself. Like a scientist, just gather data for 24 hours and refrain from interpreting or
Speaker:judging it. Notice the words you use, the way you frame things, and the things you don't say.
Speaker:Notice the images you use, the subject and object, and yes, the content too.
Speaker:Note any assumptions and guesses. What patterns keep appearing?
Speaker:What to do about it?
Speaker:Earlier we said that the only things you need to combat negative thinking or any bad habit
Speaker:is honest awareness and the willingness to take action in that order. We'll consider many ways
Speaker:to approach both these tasks in later chapters, but for now, see if you can note down in a journal
Speaker:the various verbal habits you've noticed in yourself. Once you do, you can start to gently
Speaker:take action in a different direction. Everything that is passive is reframed
Speaker:to emphasize your agency and conscious choice. Everything that is imprecise or inaccurate
Speaker:is made specific and realistic. Everything that radiates an energy of hopelessness
Speaker:is replaced with an attitude of mastery, self-command and purpose. Here's how.
Speaker:1. Reframe Forward
Speaker:It's a question of focus. You could talk about what you can't, won't, or don't do,
Speaker:but why not focus instead on what you can? You could choose to talk about what isn't working or
Speaker:what you don't like, but why not choose to talk instead about what you love, what excites you,
Speaker:or what you want to create and build. I'm an introvert. I hate big crowds,
Speaker:because I really love one-on-one conversations. The first is closed, static and negative.
Speaker:The second is open, alive and dynamic. 2. Embrace Shades of Grey
Speaker:To combat overextrapolating and the all-or-nothing disease, get comfortable with nuance,
Speaker:ambiguity and degree. Be willing to accept that you are seldom in a position,
Speaker:existentially, to make any all-encompassing statements about the nature of reality.
Speaker:Instead, just be curious and open-ended. This will allow you to take a peek into the other side
Speaker:and see what's there. All the good men are taken becomes, I wonder where all the single guys hang
Speaker:out. If a woman hasn't gotten married by 40, it's a red flag. Beware. Becomes,
Speaker:I wonder what kind of person she is and what she cares about.
Speaker:3. Talk to Yourself Like You Talk to a Loved One
Speaker:Negative self-talk can naturally lead to low self-confidence. Your inner critic is simply the
Speaker:voice of negativity directed at you as a person. It's no different from physical self-harm, though.
Speaker:Most of us wouldn't dream of insulting our friends, family or colleagues, yet we readily do it to
Speaker:ourselves daily. It's one thing to pause and consider if the thought you've just had is
Speaker:accurate, useful or true, but sometimes the harm of a thought lies in its tone. Check yourself
Speaker:by asking if you'd say the same thing to someone you love or even just care about. No? Then don't
Speaker:say it to yourself. It's not about what you say, but how you say it. If it's rude to deliberately
Speaker:hurt another person's feelings, it's just as bad to hurt your own. You're a nasty fat pig,
Speaker:and nobody will love you unless you sort it out already. Becomes,
Speaker:you are overweight, but you're still loved, and you deserve support and kindness while you try
Speaker:your best to be better, and you're making real progress every day well done.
Speaker:Note that framing things in kind, gentle terms doesn't mean lying or ignoring the truth,
Speaker:it means talking about the truth with love. So once you've gathered 24 hours of data
Speaker:and gained a glimpse into your unique style of talking to yourself,
Speaker:pick a single idea or theme from that data and try to apply the above three approaches. For example,
Speaker:Recurrent thought, I hate this job, but I'm stuck doing it if I want to keep paying this stupid
Speaker:mortgage. Alternative thought, it's true this job isn't a breeze all the time, but I choose to do it
Speaker:because it allows me to pay for a home I love. I'm talented and hardworking though,
Speaker:so I can always choose to do something else. This alternative is reframed forward,
Speaker:all about conscious choice and agency. You're not stuck, you love your home.
Speaker:Phrased in less absolute terms, the job is difficult, but only some of the time,
Speaker:and with more kindness, focusing on strengths and possibilities. Now you try it.
Speaker:How to identify your cognitive distortions? So far we've spoken of negative thinking as though
Speaker:it's all one solid, indistinguishable mass. In the novel Anna Karenina, Tolstoy begins with the line,
Speaker:Happy families are all alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Speaker:It's arguably the same with thought patterns. Positivity tends to manifest in an unformed way,
Speaker:whereas there seem to be about a million ways for thoughts to be negative. In the last chapter,
Speaker:you monitored your thought processes for just one day and worked on reframing a single thought
Speaker:or idea that stood out to you. In this chapter, we'll continue on this path and take a closer look
Speaker:at some of the kinds of negativity we're likely to encounter when we pay attention to our thought
Speaker:traffic. In other words, if negativity is a distortion of reality, then this distortion can
Speaker:manifest in several different forms. Learn to identify these forms and you'll become better
Speaker:at spotting distortions rather than being taken in by them. A cognitive distortion is an incorrect
Speaker:belief, perception, or thought. Of course, nobody is perfect or infallible, and we're all wrong
Speaker:sometimes, but persistently distorted cognition is a problem. Where do these distortions come from?
Speaker:Well, for the time being, assume that every mental twist and warp served a purpose at one time.
Speaker:Typically, distortions help us overcome trauma or loss in the past. However, if they continue long
Speaker:after the threat has passed, they tend to undermine rather than protect us. We've already explored
Speaker:one major and very common distortion, all or nothing thinking. This is when we over extrapolate
Speaker:and break the complex world down into two either or polar extremes and force ourselves to pick one
Speaker:of them, a decision we don't notice that we ourselves have insisted on. This kind of distortion
Speaker:is characterized, but not always, by absolutist terms like always, never, everyone, none, etc.
Speaker:If you don't agree with me, then you're part of the problem. Let's look at some more distortions
Speaker:that you may uncover as you gain awareness. Mental filtering. This is basically like having a sieve
Speaker:in your head that only allows you to perceive and engage with certain data, while whatever
Speaker:doesn't fit is allowed to pass right through as though it doesn't exist. Once you're done filtering,
Speaker:the only things left in the sieve are those things that align with the preconceived world view you
Speaker:started with. Consider the example of Carrie, who has a severely distorted idea of what she looks
Speaker:like. Sadly, all too common in a world that stands to gain by her insecurities. Carrie goes out shopping
Speaker:for clothing one day and enters the changing rooms of several different stores. Three of the four
Speaker:mirrors reflect a fairly flattering image, while the final place she visits is a store
Speaker:with extremely poor light. Carrie gets home after the shopping trip and says,
Speaker:well, that was a wasted time. I don't know why I thought I'd find anything that looks half decent
Speaker:on me. She completely forgets about the three flattering changing rooms and only remembers
Speaker:the one where she didn't look so good. Her mental sieve is shaped in such a way as to catch and
Speaker:collect all those experiences that align with the conclusions she's already come to about herself.
Speaker:She's unattractive and completely disregards anything that challenges this conclusion.
Speaker:In Carrie's world, it's as though those flattering reflections never even existed.
Speaker:If a friend points this out, you might reply, yeah, sure, but those mirrors artificially
Speaker:make people look better so you buy their clothes. In other words, Carrie's distortion is this,
Speaker:only the negatives true or to be focused on the positive is insignificant or an illusion.
Speaker:This is connected to another distortion that's called disqualifying the positive.
Speaker:Here we may be aware of data that doesn't fit the preconceived idea, but we make up some story
Speaker:about why that data doesn't matter. Oh, it was just a lucky break or beginner's luck.
Speaker:The 10 times I've succeeded so far were just a fluke. The most recent time that I failed,
Speaker:that was the real deal. That was all me. People don't mean it. They're being polite or kind or
Speaker:their opinions don't count. If Carrie's friend says, you forgot all about those lovely dresses we tried
Speaker:on earlier and how nice you looked in them, Carrie might say, well, you would say that because
Speaker:you're sweet and you're my friend. In fact, Carrie might go as far as to find something negative
Speaker:in the positive, secretly thinking, I bet she pities me and is just trying to make me feel better
Speaker:by pretending I look better than I do. It must be even worse than I thought.
Speaker:Later in this book, we'll look at how Carrie's tenancy, although extreme, is actually a fairly
Speaker:common phenomenon called negativity bias, which has evolutionary roots. Personalization.
Speaker:Mental shortcuts and biases exist because the brain is trying to explain to itself why something
Speaker:happens and to make sense of events. Call it an existential self-centeredness, but human beings
Speaker:can sometimes imagine that random things have more to do with them personally than they actually do.
Speaker:In the realm of negative thinking, this can look like assuming that anything negative must be somehow
Speaker:your fault or reflect poorly on you. While filtering can make you zoom in on the negative,
Speaker:or imagine that it's there when it isn't. Personalization is where you perceive a
Speaker:genuine negative, but incorrectly ascribe its cause or source as yourself. It's as though you say,
Speaker:that's a bad thing over there, and I'm a bad thing over here, so we must belong together somehow.
Speaker:One day, Carrie goes to a friend's wedding and is obsessing all morning about whether
Speaker:the outfit she has chosen looks okay. Once she gets to the event, the friend is hurried and busy
Speaker:and says, in a lighthearted way, well, we haven't had any disasters yet, but let's just say,
Speaker:not everybody seems to know what semi-formal means these days, if you know what I mean.
Speaker:Carrie immediately thinks that this comment is aimed at her and that her friend is implying that
Speaker:she isn't dressed properly. In other words, she's correctly noticed the stress and fluster of her
Speaker:friend, but has incorrectly ascribed the cause to herself, passing it again through the same filter,
Speaker:which only ever allows one conclusion, you look awful. Similarly, when Carrie's boyfriend cheats
Speaker:on her later that year, she doesn't skip a beat before concluding that he's done so because the
Speaker:other woman was better looking. Jumping to conclusions and mind reading.
Speaker:Closely related to the above distortion is the tendency to make assumptions about other
Speaker:people's intentions and motivations in the absence of any evidence. Carrie automatically assumes that
Speaker:she's the only one at the wedding that the friend could possibly be referring to and also assumes
Speaker:that her own mental filter exists in her boyfriend's head too, who couldn't think anything else, but
Speaker:Carrie is unattractive. Mind reading is unconsciously filling in the blanks and assuming that others
Speaker:thought processes must broadly be in alignment with our own. This is easy to do when you consider
Speaker:how infrequently we stop to actually communicate and check what people really are thinking. In fact,
Speaker:rather than thinking about the situation from many perspectives,
Speaker:Carrie weaves an elaborate tale in her head about his cheating. He finds her unattractive and always
Speaker:has, and as soon as someone better looking came along, he went for her. And who can blame him?
Speaker:In assuming that his cheating is purely due with her, Carrie is not just personalizing
Speaker:but mind reading. Without having a stitch of evidence, she knows that he thinks this.
Speaker:Her distortion blinds her to a more likely interpretation, her boyfriend cheated because
Speaker:he's a dishonest and disloyal person, or he's immature and made a foolish mistake,
Speaker:or just maybe he himself has no idea why he acted as he did.
Speaker:Catastrophizing
Speaker:also known as magnification or minimization, depending on which direction your distortion
Speaker:wants to go. Basically, this is the tendency to exaggerate. Carrie never says she's plain
Speaker:or average looking but full on hideous. She's not just unattractive but the most unattractive person
Speaker:who ever lived. And the fact that she's hideous also implies the worst possible outcome, namely
Speaker:that nobody will ever love her, and that she's doomed to an ugly, lonely life,
Speaker:where small children burst into tears upon seeing her in the street.
Speaker:Minimization can be just as distorting as magnification though. Carrie could spend an hour
Speaker:getting ready one morning, doing her hair, fixing her makeup and dressing in beautiful
Speaker:clothing, only to announce at the end of it, it makes zero difference, I still look the same.
Speaker:Negative thinkers tend to exaggerate the size of a threat while, at the same time,
Speaker:downplaying their own resilience, their resources, their strength,
Speaker:and their ability to cope with that threat, real or imagined. The negative gets amplified and
Speaker:carried to extremes while the glimmer of hope is reduced to nothing. Carrie sits alone one evening
Speaker:and imagines that her life is over. The negativity around her appearance has become so all-encompassing
Speaker:that it takes on the feeling of a catastrophe. It doesn't matter that she has a fascinating job,
Speaker:lots of caring friends, a happy family, and countless talents and interests. The perceived
Speaker:faults in her appearance are magnified so much that they eclipse all these things and reduce
Speaker:them to insignificance while she sits to the side, completely powerless to stop any of it.
Speaker:Shoulds and Labels Here's where it gets interesting for Carrie.
Speaker:When she starts becoming more aware of her own thought patterns and habitual negativity,
Speaker:she realizes that much of her perception comes from comparing herself against an idea of what
Speaker:she should look like. Her hair is wavy and fluffy, but it should be straight and silky.
Speaker:She's on the taller side, but she should be more petite. Her eyes are black when they should be
Speaker:blue or green, or at least hazel. Now, this book is not about to ask where Carrie got all these
Speaker:expectations from, although most of us can probably guess. Instead, it's about the fact that
Speaker:comparison against some real or imaginary standard is so often the source of negativity.
Speaker:Many of us are perfectly happy with our lot right up until we start to see
Speaker:how we measure up against everyone else. Only then do we feel a lack.
Speaker:Closely related to this is the idea of labels. We can think of labels as a whole collection
Speaker:of shoulds that have coalesced into one. The label Beautiful Woman is then a checklist of shoulds.
Speaker:A beautiful woman must be X, she must be Y, she must be Z. This is not reality, however,
Speaker:but an arbitrary rule we create about reality, and then we suffer because we don't line with that rule.
Speaker:If you doubt this, consider how all the women with straight hair would love to have curls,
Speaker:and all the women with curly hair would love for it to be straight.
Speaker:If Carrie's example seems superficial to you, then consider something a little more serious.
Speaker:Imagine that Carrie's friends are all intelligent, successful, and independent young woman
Speaker:who are more than aware of the burden of beauty standards and the effect they have on mental health.
Speaker:One day, she opens up and says that she has always hated her appearance and wishes more than
Speaker:anything that she could look like those beautiful women she sees in social media.
Speaker:How do these friends respond? Well, they dismiss it. You should love yourself,
Speaker:you shouldn't pay attention to that garbage, and anyway, physical appearances don't matter.
Speaker:People should value one another for what's on the inside.
Speaker:Sounds nice, but it's also a kind of cognitive distortion. Clearly, appearances do matter.
Speaker:Instead of making Carrie feel better, this is the kind of thing that's likely to make her feel worse.
Speaker:Not only is she now unhappy about her appearance, because she should look prettier,
Speaker:she's also now unhappy about her own unhappiness, because she should be confident
Speaker:and self-accepting enough not to care. Comparing against some assumed normal or
Speaker:correct standard is a little like arguing with reality. Sometimes we put ourselves in the role
Speaker:of CEO of the universe there to unilaterally decide what happens and when, putting labels
Speaker:on things according to our own flawed understanding. So we say things like,
Speaker:a beautiful woman is supposed to be dainty and small, or a confident woman shouldn't have those
Speaker:kinds of insecurities. Says who? When you say should, then what usually follows is a judgment,
Speaker:usually not in your favor. As you can see, a really juicy cognitive distortion doesn't
Speaker:limit itself. It can be all of the above and more. Carrie's distortions are a complex cocktail of a
Speaker:range of different biases and assumptions, but each of them is working in the same way, reinforcing
Speaker:a negative worldview, and completely destroying the chance of arriving at a more realistic,
Speaker:healthy one. But consider this. What would happen if Carrie's mind wasn't working so hard to undermine
Speaker:her at every turn? What if, instead, its powers of critical thinking, conscious awareness,
Speaker:and intelligent choice let her live a completely different kind of life?
Speaker:Once you've identified your cognitive distortions and seen all the many ways they can show up in
Speaker:your stream of self-talk, then you're going to naturally start wondering, what does life look
Speaker:like without all these distortions? How to challenge your inner critic. You don't need a formal introduction
Speaker:to your inner critic. You're well acquainted and have probably heard from it several times already
Speaker:today. This is the voice inside that criticizes, judges, and condemns your anti- cheerleader.
Speaker:You're doing it wrong. That's nowhere near good enough. Everyone's talking about you.
Speaker:You may as well just give up. Who do you think you are?
Speaker:We've looked at a few ways to reframe your perspective, embrace shades of gray, and adjust
Speaker:how you speak to yourself, so it's closer to how you'd speak to a loved one. But a funny thing
Speaker:happens when you start paying attention to your inner critic. It starts to feel like it's everywhere.
Speaker:Now what? Step one. See thoughts as thoughts. This is the most important step. When your inner critic
Speaker:says, this is hopeless, you hear it, but you can say to yourself, my inner critic is telling me
Speaker:that it's hopeless. Big difference. Your negative self-talk is not reality. Simply remind yourself
Speaker:of this and you've drastically reduced its power over you. Your thoughts are just thoughts. They come,
Speaker:they go. Step two. Gain distance. Make it really obvious to your brain that these are thoughts
Speaker:and that they are separate from reality and from who you really are at your core.
Speaker:Give your inner critic a name. Maybe imagine that it's literally an annoying little bug
Speaker:standing in the corner trying to get a rise out of you. There's an enormous shift in perspective
Speaker:when you go from everything is hopeless and terrible to, look at that, here's the depression
Speaker:fairy again coming to visit. Hey, Mildren, how you doing? Step three. Be compassionate.
Speaker:One temptation is to rail against the inner critic when you find it. You might want to argue
Speaker:viciously against it or perhaps feel shame that it's there at all. Resist this temptation.
Speaker:Instead, treat the inner critic with civility, attention and kindness. Imagine yourself pulling
Speaker:up a chair at the table and feeding your inner critic a meal just the same as you would your
Speaker:inner defender. When we're compassionate, we normalize negativity and take away its sting.
Speaker:You're feeling sad right now. That's okay. You do feel sad sometimes, but you've also had lots
Speaker:of joyful experiences too. Step four. Do nothing. Yes, really. This one's easy. Refuse to act
Speaker:while guided by your inner critic. It can be a passenger in the car, but it certainly doesn't
Speaker:get to drive. We can't always help how we feel, but we can make conscious choices about how we act
Speaker:and what we say. Own that power. Refuse to act from your inner critic. Act instead from that
Speaker:part of you that is aware, healthy and realistic. Yes, Mildred, I know you want to pick a fight
Speaker:right now, but instead, we're going for a walk. What positive self-talk actually looks like?
Speaker:Positive self-talk is not just the absence of negative distortions. It has its own quality and
Speaker:character, and you'll know what these are by the way you feel when you talk to yourself in this way.
Speaker:Calm, hopeful, curious, grateful, stable, confident. Positive self-talk doesn't mean we're constantly
Speaker:giving ourselves an over-the-top pep talk about how utterly fabulous we are. This is
Speaker:after all just another distortion. Rather, there's a kind of dignified willingness to face reality
Speaker:as it is, and the confidence that comes with owning your free will and acting in ways that align with
Speaker:your values. So, when something unexpected and unpleasant crops up, you think, huh, look at that.
Speaker:This is going to be challenging, but I wonder how I can get around it.
Speaker:I'm not sure yet, but I'll find a way.
Speaker:When something new and promising pops up, you look at square in the eye and say,
Speaker:wow, I never thought about this before. Let's follow it and see what happens.
Speaker:Positive thinking is not just content. It's feeling.
Speaker:As you get into the habit of pausing to notice what's in your head,
Speaker:don't just look at the concepts. Look at your attitude and emotional state. This will also
Speaker:help you avoid the common pitfall of toxic positivity, approaching your positive self-talk
Speaker:from a place of anxiety, self-hate, and avoidance. In your comfort zone is the way you've tended to
Speaker:always think, and outside of it is the way you could think a potentially better way.
Speaker:Separating the two is a line which, at some point, if you want to evolve, you have to cross.
Speaker:If you've been a negative thinker for a long time, your automatic response to everything
Speaker:we've explored so far might be, sounds fine, but that'll never work for me. Or,
Speaker:that's too simple. The real world is a lot more complicated.
Speaker:The thing is, before we go any further, be aware that at some point, you have to take
Speaker:a leap of faith and cross that line, even if you don't have evidence yet that it will work.
Speaker:All the positive affirmations and mindfulness exercises in the world will do nothing if you're
Speaker:making the unconscious decision to never cross that line.
Speaker:Before we move to the next chapter, challenge yourself to one final exercise. For the next 24
Speaker:hours, act as if you are a person who thinks positively all the time. It doesn't matter
Speaker:if you believe it or not yet. Just try it out, and for 24 hours only, let go of any doubts and
Speaker:suspicions. Bring a sense of humor to it if you want to. Then, at the end of 24 hours,
Speaker:pay attention to how you feel. Once you can actually feel for yourself, in your own experience,
Speaker:the power of positive thinking, you'll no longer be engaging with the techniques and
Speaker:exercises on a purely superficial level. You'll no longer be satisfied with staying on this side
Speaker:of the line, only peeking over to the other side without ever taking the leap.
Speaker:Summary
Speaker:How you think creates your life. Negativity poisons everything in your world.
Speaker:Changing negativity requires a degree of metacognition, thinking about thinking,
Speaker:and a leap of faith to do something that hasn't been done before.
Speaker:Anyone can change their thought patterns. It requires only honest awareness and a willingness
Speaker:to take conscious and inspired action. Our mental shortcuts, assumptions, biases,
Speaker:and stereotypes are great at saving time and effort, but are not 100% accurate 100% of the
Speaker:time. The all-or-nothing disease is when we over extrapolate from one experience to
Speaker:other experiences we haven't had. We're making an error.
Speaker:Words have power, and our speech reflects our thought patterns.
Speaker:Out of power language is passive, self-victimizing, doubtful, angry,
Speaker:unconfident, fearful, excuse-making, or pessimistic, and can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker:Become aware of your internal verbal habits, then focus on what can be done, embrace
Speaker:nuance and shades of gray, and speak to yourself like you would a loved one.
Speaker:A cognitive distortion is a persistently incorrect belief, perception, or thought. For example,
Speaker:mental filtering, personalization, jumping to conclusions, mind-reading, catastrophizing,
Speaker:and using should statements and labels. Positive thinking is not just the absence
Speaker:of distortions, but thinking that helps you feel calm, hopeful, curious, grateful,
Speaker:stable, and confident. To challenge your inner critic, commit to not allowing your thoughts
Speaker:to dominate you. Gain psychological distance by labeling the thoughts as thoughts, not reality,
Speaker:and have self-compassion. Change happens outside your comfort zone,
Speaker:so realize that at some point you'll need to take the leap and try something new.
Speaker:This has been Stop Negative Thinking. How to control your thoughts,
Speaker:stop overthinking, and transform your mental habits, written by Nick Trenton, narrated by Russell
Speaker:Newton. Copyright 2022 by Nick Trenton. Production copyright by Nick Trenton.
