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Be Your Own Therapist: Understanding Thoughts, Beliefs, And Behaviors
Learn how to be your own therapist by understanding your thoughts,
beliefs, and behaviors with cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.
Start your journey towards self-awareness and personal growth today!
Are you ready to take control of your mental health? This video delves
into the powerful tools of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help
you understand and manage your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
How to Therapize and Heal Yourself: 15 Self-Therapy Techniques to
Understand Your Past and Control Your Future By: Nick Trenton
Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/3XaytgD
00:00:00 How to Therapize and Heal Yourself
00:08:39 Activity Monitoring.
00:18:13 Activity Scheduling.
00:28:15 The Downward Arrow Technique.
00:49:05 Steps To Regulate Your Emotions.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BNHCJS54
Transcript
How to Therapize and Heal Yourself:
Speaker:15 Self-Therapy Techniques to Understand Your Past and Control Your Future Written by
Speaker:Nick Trenton, narrated by russell newton.
Speaker:Chapter 1 .- Understanding Thoughts,
Speaker:Beliefs,
Speaker:and Behaviors Part 1 .- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Speaker:Part 2 .- Behavioral Activation.
Speaker:Remember,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:that thoughts are just one part of the puzzle.
Speaker:Let’s now look at Nick,
Speaker:who would tell you in no uncertain terms that he is depressed.
Speaker:Nick has plenty of distorted thoughts.
Speaker:I’m not good at anything.
Speaker:There’s no point in trying;
Speaker:I’ll probably just fail anyway.
Speaker:I don’t care about anything,
Speaker:and nothing makes me happy anymore.
Speaker:He tries his best to challenge these thoughts.
Speaker:He tells himself that he is good at some things,
Speaker:that he should keep putting himself out there,
Speaker:keep trying new stuff,
Speaker:and reminding himself of his blessings.
Speaker:It doesn’t work.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:Let’s take a closer look at Nick’s life.
Speaker:He lives at home in a cramped room.
Speaker:He hates cleaning the place up,
Speaker:so he procrastinates,
Speaker:and the place gets steadily worse until he can’t bear it and feels ashamed
Speaker:about the mess.
Speaker:He’s overweight,
Speaker:but every time he goes to the gym,
Speaker:he realizes just how out of shape he is.
Speaker:It seems like it takes three days to recover from even a basic workout session,
Speaker:so he quickly loses motivation,
Speaker:beating himself up for being such a lazy weakling.
Speaker:He needs to find a better job so he can move out,
Speaker:but every time he looks at his resume,
Speaker:he wants to scream.
Speaker:So he puts that off,
Speaker:too.
Speaker:He used to get a lot of joy out of his hobbies and meeting up with friends,
Speaker:but he can’t be bothered with any of that now.
Speaker:In fact,
Speaker:all he seems to have time for now is junk food,
Speaker:gaming (which he doesn’t really enjoy,
Speaker:anyway),
Speaker:and watching T. V. .
Speaker:Pretty grim,
Speaker:right?
Speaker:Nick’s problem is that when he says,
Speaker:“I just don’t care anymore,” this is not really a cognitive
Speaker:distortion—he’s correct!
Speaker:At the same time,
Speaker:how can he genuinely convince himself to reframe his thoughts (“I’m a
Speaker:talented individual with plenty to offer and I enjoy my life”)
Speaker:when his room is a pigsty,
Speaker:he’s unfit and sixty pounds overweight,
Speaker:and he’s wasting six hours every day zoned out in front of screens?
Speaker:He might believe it for a little while,
Speaker:but not for long.
Speaker:Clearly he needs an approach that’s very different from Clara’s.
Speaker:In the 1970s,
Speaker:Peter Lewinsohn and his research team at the University of Oregon came up with
Speaker:a way to treat depression called "behavioral activation."
Speaker:Lewinsohn was influenced by behaviorism,
Speaker:which is the understanding that your environment has an enormous effect on how
Speaker:you act.
Speaker:This is not to say that thoughts and feelings don’t feature—only that
Speaker:they’re not the only thing that counts.
Speaker:In general,
Speaker:behaviorism rests on two main tenets.
Speaker:When you get a reward for something,
Speaker:you're likely to do it again.
Speaker:If you cook for people you care about and they tell you how good it is,
Speaker:you'll probably want to cook again and maybe even get better at it.
Speaker:When you get in trouble for something,
Speaker:you tend to stop doing it.
Speaker:If you cook for people you care about and they criticize you and your food,
Speaker:it's understandable that you might not want to try again.
Speaker:B. F. Skinner,
Speaker:a well-known behaviorist,
Speaker:thought that a person gets depressed when their environment punishes them too
Speaker:much and gives them too few rewards.
Speaker:To put it another way,
Speaker:it can be hard to get motivated to do much of anything when everything seems
Speaker:hard or painful.
Speaker:Depression can cause physical symptoms like tiredness and changes in energy,
Speaker:which can also play a role.
Speaker:Depression can make you think that no matter what you do,
Speaker:you will fail.
Speaker:But you can probably see the issue with Nick—the less he does,
Speaker:the lower his sense of accomplishment,
Speaker:so the less he gets done.
Speaker:The less he takes care of his health,
Speaker:the harder it is to get fit again.
Speaker:Going to the gym,
Speaker:then,
Speaker:is a painful experience that yields very little benefit—at least not at first.
Speaker:If he was fit,
Speaker:going to the gym may feel like a pleasant and rewarding experience.
Speaker:But he’s not,
Speaker:so he’s increasingly less inclined to do it.
Speaker:Depression,
Speaker:understood in these terms,
Speaker:is simply a case of momentum.
Speaker:It's hard to change the way you think if nothing changes in your life.
Speaker:What’s the way out of this horrible spiral?
Speaker:Behavioral activation has you do something to feel better instead of waiting
Speaker:until you feel better to do something.
Speaker:Behavioral activation for depression is about making your life meaningful and
Speaker:pleasurable again.
Speaker:It involves these steps - 1. Activity Monitoring.
Speaker:2. Value Setting.
Speaker:3. Activity Scheduling.
Speaker:4. Troubleshooting.
Speaker:Let’s look at each in turn and how Nick could use them to steadily crawl out
Speaker:of his hole of depression.
Speaker:Remember how Clara began her process of cognitive restructuring by just
Speaker:becoming aware?
Speaker:It’s the same for Nick.
Speaker:The first step is for him to just understand what is actually happening for him
Speaker:in his life as it is now.
Speaker:Activity Monitoring.
Speaker:First,
Speaker:Nick gathers data on how he spends his time.
Speaker:Instead of monitoring thoughts,
Speaker:he is monitoring actions and behaviors via looking at his day-to-day activities.
Speaker:Using an Excel spreadsheet of his own design (you can find readymade activity
Speaker:sheets online,
Speaker:if you like),
Speaker:he records everything he does for a full week.
Speaker:Every hour—including sleep—he notes what activities he does.
Speaker:No activity is too small or obvious or insignificant.
Speaker:While he does this,
Speaker:Nick also records his overall mood.
Speaker:This is done by simply noting hour by hour where his mood falls on a scale of
Speaker:one to ten.
Speaker:At the end of the week,
Speaker:Nick has some valuable data to explore.
Speaker:Reviewing the chart,
Speaker:he can start to see patterns.
Speaker:He asks himself - What was I doing when I felt the best?
Speaker:And when I felt the worst?
Speaker:What is the overall relationship between my activity levels and my mood?
Speaker:How did I feel on days when I was very inactive—for example,
Speaker:not leaving the house,
Speaker:not showering,
Speaker:or not tidying up?
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:Nick can compile a list of activities that he knows make him feel good—he has
Speaker:the concrete evidence!
Speaker:He can draw up a “feel good” list as well as a “feel bad” one.
Speaker:His “feel good” list might contain the following items -
Speaker:•Taking a walk and getting some fresh air
Speaker:•Spending time with friends
Speaker:•Doing a hobby His “feel bad” list includes these items -
Speaker:•Staying in bed past 10 a.m.
Speaker:•Gaming
Speaker:•Scrolling social media in bed with the lights off Now,
Speaker:all of the above may seem pretty obvious to you and me,
Speaker:but the truth is that when we can see in black and white how our mood literally
Speaker:rises and falls without our activity level,
Speaker:it can create a few lightbulb moments.
Speaker:If you try this yourself,
Speaker:you might also be surprised at a few things that you thought made you feel good
Speaker:but don’t,
Speaker:and vice versa.
Speaker:Value Setting.
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:in just the same way that Clara became curious about cognitive alternatives,
Speaker:Nick is going to ask himself about activity/behavioral alternatives.
Speaker:For Clara,
Speaker:a thought is appraised as a good one when it is healthy,
Speaker:rational,
Speaker:accurate,
Speaker:and so on.
Speaker:But how can Nick determine which behaviors to keep and which to change?
Speaker:The answer is - his values.
Speaker:You might think—isn’t the fact of his negative mood the real hint?
Speaker:The truth is,
Speaker:we all feel low when we are not living according to our values.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:we can take depression,
Speaker:lack of motivation,
Speaker:etc. as symptoms of a bigger problem—our living out of alignment with what we
Speaker:value.
Speaker:Engage in those activities that flow from your values,
Speaker:the theory goes,
Speaker:and you gradually pull yourself out of the spiral of negativity.
Speaker:Trying to address the negativity alone is like trying to correct the course of
Speaker:a ship without knowing which direction you are wanting to go in the first place.
Speaker:Only you can decide what your values are.
Speaker:They will not be the same as other people’s—in fact,
Speaker:they can change over time even for you.
Speaker:What do you think is most important in life?
Speaker:What is the ideal way that you want to interact with others,
Speaker:behave,
Speaker:think,
Speaker:see yourself?
Speaker:It’s not being able to achieve these ideals that makes us happy.
Speaker:We can live meaningful and rich lives simply by understanding what we value and
Speaker:knowing that we are working each day toward those values.
Speaker:This gives purpose,
Speaker:direction,
Speaker:motivation,
Speaker:dignity,
Speaker:and resilience.
Speaker:Pause and ask what you most value about being alive right now.
Speaker:Then read the following list and see which ones speak to you most.
Speaker:Family – be it tradition,
Speaker:loving connection,
Speaker:duty,
Speaker:or simply a sense of belonging.
Speaker:It could mean mastering the task of parenthood and serving others.
Speaker:Romantic love – that could mean a successful marriage,
Speaker:passion,
Speaker:commitment,
Speaker:or a deep and transcendent bond with another person.
Speaker:Community,
Speaker:friendship,
Speaker:and social life – a different kind of love,
Speaker:but no less powerful.
Speaker:Spirituality or religion – do you value contemplation,
Speaker:the mystical or inner life,
Speaker:a union with God,
Speaker:or a spiritual and personal development path all your own creation?
Speaker:Learning and knowledge – the love of developing understanding and mastery.
Speaker:Material stability,
Speaker:wealth,
Speaker:financial success – yes,
Speaker:it’s okay to have this as a value!
Speaker:Beauty,
Speaker:poetry,
Speaker:art – are you supremely driven by aesthetic concerns?
Speaker:There is not really a fixed list of human values.
Speaker:What’s important is to make sure that they’re really your values—not your
Speaker:parents’,
Speaker:not your social group’s,
Speaker:and not something you were told you should want by the media,
Speaker:for example.
Speaker:Perhaps you choose three things that are most important to you.
Speaker:Stuck?
Speaker:A great way to home in on values is to ask When have I felt most
Speaker:satisfied/alive/happy/myself?
Speaker:What value was being met at that moment?
Speaker:If I could achieve just one thing during my time on earth,
Speaker:what would it be?
Speaker:Think of someone you completely dislike and disagree with—what is the
Speaker:opposite value?
Speaker:What does this dislike tell you about what you find most important?
Speaker:For Nick,
Speaker:honest contemplation tells him that he most values independence,
Speaker:honesty,
Speaker:and kindness.
Speaker:Those are the principles he wants to build his life around.
Speaker:Activity Scheduling.
Speaker:Behavioral activation is all about what you do,
Speaker:though—not just what you think and feel.
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:write down a list of activities that you can practically do,
Speaker:and think of this as a kind of recipe for certain good feelings.
Speaker:Choose activities based on what you already know feels good (from when you
Speaker:monitored yourself earlier),
Speaker:but also activities that speak to your values.
Speaker:Nick decides that he will add to his “feel good” list the following
Speaker:activities - Volunteer with kids at his community center Book A Therapy
Speaker:Session.
Speaker:Start exploring options for creating his own business He notices that just
Speaker:writing these down gives him a jolt of energy—a good sign that they speak to
Speaker:a person’s needs and values!
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:Nick can start building his life from scratch one activity at a time.
Speaker:He looks at a schedule and plans every hour.
Speaker:He makes sure to include the basics (sleep,
Speaker:grooming,
Speaker:time for meals,
Speaker:etc.)
Speaker:but prioritizes those activities he already knows speak to his values and make
Speaker:him feel good.
Speaker:That’s important—these activities are scheduled in first!
Speaker:He decides what he’ll do,
Speaker:when he will do it,
Speaker:for how long,
Speaker:where,
Speaker:and who with.
Speaker:He is keenly aware of why he is doing it—nothing external is forcing him;
Speaker:rather,
Speaker:he is doing it because it will help him achieve what he wants to achieve.
Speaker:Nick also finds it helpful to rank activities on a hierarchy—some are better
Speaker:for him than others.
Speaker:He also ranks them by how difficult they are to do.
Speaker:You guessed it—he chooses the activities that yield the greatest number of
Speaker:positive feelings while costing him the least motivation.
Speaker:That way,
Speaker:he builds momentum,
Speaker:generating good feelings that he can then re-invest into other,
Speaker:more energetically “expensive” activities.
Speaker:Every Sunday evening,
Speaker:he plans his week ahead,
Speaker:down to the hour.
Speaker:He doesn’t see this as a chore—after all,
Speaker:he knows that if he gets it right,
Speaker:the outcome will be plenty of happy,
Speaker:satisfied feelings.
Speaker:Troubleshooting.
Speaker:Does Nick manage to change his life completely after one week?
Speaker:Of course not!
Speaker:But he diligently appraises how it went and makes adjustments.
Speaker:He knows that being depressed distorts his view on things,
Speaker:so he gives each activity a fair try—at least twice—before deciding he
Speaker:doesn’t want to do it.
Speaker:When he doesn’t stick to his plan,
Speaker:he doesn’t beat himself up or throw the whole schedule out the window.
Speaker:He just becomes curious about why it didn’t work,
Speaker:and asks himself what will work and what he can do for next time.
Speaker:The interesting thing about Nick is that only once he makes headway with his
Speaker:activity schedule in this way,
Speaker:and maintains that momentum for a few months,
Speaker:is he able to start looking at his thoughts and feelings like Clara did.
Speaker:Once Nick creates a healthier,
Speaker:more supportive environment for himself,
Speaker:he is naturally more able to spot—and challenge—his cognitive distortions.
Speaker:Part 3 .- Understanding Core Beliefs—and Rewriting Them We saw that Clara
Speaker:had a problem with anxiety and catastrophic thinking.
Speaker:For Nick,
Speaker:depression was the problem.
Speaker:For both of them,
Speaker:we can understand their thoughts as smaller leaves branching off a tree.
Speaker:But what kind of tree is it?
Speaker:Your core beliefs are like the main trunk of a tree,
Speaker:out of which all your more superficial thoughts branch out and grow.
Speaker:Clara’s “leaves” are plentiful - “Don’t get too comfy because
Speaker:that’s when trouble will hit!"
Speaker:“You can’t trust anyone but yourself."
Speaker:“This is obviously not going to work out for you."
Speaker:But feeding all these thoughts is a core belief,
Speaker:the trunk of the tree - “I am not safe."
Speaker:For Nick,
Speaker:his “leaves” are equally as plentiful - “I’m a loser."
Speaker:“That’s fine for other people,
Speaker:but I could never do that."
Speaker:“How could a therapist possibly help me?"
Speaker:Feeding all of these thoughts is a central trunk - “I am not enough."
Speaker:Core beliefs are deeply held ideas that influence how we behave,
Speaker:how we see ourselves,
Speaker:and how we understand the world around us.
Speaker:These ideas affect everything—how we feel,
Speaker:what we think,
Speaker:what we choose and don’t choose,
Speaker:how we interpret the world,
Speaker:how we explain it to ourselves,
Speaker:and indeed,
Speaker:the entire narrative we construct to make sense of all the events in our lives.
Speaker:Our core beliefs are an intrinsic fundamental part of who we are—like our
Speaker:name or where we were born.
Speaker:However,
Speaker:there’s one way in which they’re different—we can change them.
Speaker:Is it difficult?
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Extremely.
Speaker:But it is possible,
Speaker:and if you can change your core beliefs,
Speaker:you can change your life.
Speaker:You could constantly pluck away at the leaves that grow on your tree,
Speaker:but if the trunk is always there,
Speaker:those leaves will keep growing just the same.
Speaker:Working on core beliefs,
Speaker:then,
Speaker:is a question of the level you’re addressing your problem at.
Speaker:Change your deep core beliefs,
Speaker:and you automatically change everything that happens at shallower levels.
Speaker:Superficial change often doesn’t last because it leaves the underlying core
Speaker:beliefs intact.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:if,
Speaker:for example,
Speaker:Nick truly believes that he is not enough,
Speaker:any momentary praise or validation will not “stick."
Speaker:Until he genuinely changes his belief and starts to think,
Speaker:“I am a good person.
Speaker:I have value and I am enough,” then he will continue to think,
Speaker:feel,
Speaker:and behave as he always has.
Speaker:Beliefs are just thoughts that we tell ourselves over and over again and think
Speaker:are true.
Speaker:That’s it.
Speaker:They’re not set in stone.
Speaker:They’re just stories you’ve told over and over and over again.
Speaker:A belief can be a simple idea,
Speaker:like "life is hard," or it can be a complex set of ideas and statements—an
Speaker:entire belief system.
Speaker:Whether you know it or not,
Speaker:you are always confirming this belief system.
Speaker:In fact,
Speaker:if you really listen to yourself,
Speaker:you are always defending the "rightness" of your beliefs,
Speaker:even if they hurt your happiness and wellbeing.
Speaker:That’s the purpose of the cognitive distortions we identified above—they
Speaker:act as constant filters,
Speaker:shaping reality so it fits the idea we already have of it.
Speaker:The Downward Arrow Technique.
Speaker:If you steadily increase your own levels of awareness,
Speaker:it’s only a matter of time before you start spotting recurring patterns.
Speaker:If you do as Clara did and become an expert at reframing your own thoughts,
Speaker:you may start to notice that they all share the same “flavor."
Speaker:Core beliefs are often very simple but powerful.
Speaker:You may be surprised to know that while everyone’s “leaves” differ
Speaker:wildly,
Speaker:core beliefs tend to drill down to some very predictable and stable human
Speaker:patterns - I am not enough.
Speaker:There is not enough (i.e.,
Speaker:things are scarce,
Speaker:and I have to fight for everything I have).
Speaker:The world is a bad place.
Speaker:People cannot be trusted.
Speaker:I am a bad person.
Speaker:There is something wrong with me.
Speaker:Life will always be unfair.
Speaker:Things cannot really change.
Speaker:I am unlike everyone else.
Speaker:Life is fundamentally a game you can’t win.
Speaker:I am a victim.
Speaker:I have to be in control.
Speaker:If you’re still getting acquainted with the deeper core-belief programming
Speaker:running in your own life,
Speaker:here’s a useful exercise to start narrowing things down further - the
Speaker:downward arrow technique.
Speaker:You begin by becoming aware of and challenging the negative habitual thoughts
Speaker:you have,
Speaker:then ask yourself Why it would bother you if it were true.
Speaker:Instead of taking your assumptions at face value,
Speaker:you keep drilling down to find the belief underpinning everything.
Speaker:Three questions you can keep asking yourself - "What does this mean to me?"
Speaker:"Even if this were accurate,
Speaker:why is it such a big deal?"
Speaker:“What are you afraid of?"
Speaker:Here’s how the technique might look with an example.
Speaker:Thea has just retired from a successful and illustrious career,
Speaker:but has found herself hitting a wall,
Speaker:psychologically speaking.
Speaker:She’s at a time in her life where she is taking a really honest look at her
Speaker:values,
Speaker:her identity,
Speaker:and what she really wants for her life.
Speaker:At a time when she should be celebrating her wins and relaxing into her later
Speaker:years,
Speaker:she finds she is riddled with negativity.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:she sets to work digging in to find her core beliefs.
Speaker:Step 1 .- Become aware of a negative and automatic thought One day,
Speaker:Thea is out having breakfast in a café on a weekday and notices that most
Speaker:people around her are either old or stay-at-home moms out with their children.
Speaker:She catches the almost-instant thought,
Speaker:“I’m bunking.
Speaker:I should be doing something useful with my life."
Speaker:Thea only recognizes this thought because she notices the sudden drop in mood
Speaker:she feels.
Speaker:She slows down and looks at this thought and even jots it down in a journal so
Speaker:she can look at it more closely.
Speaker:Step 2 .- Question That Thought.
Speaker:Imagine that every thought you’ve ever had has deep roots that,
Speaker:if you followed them,
Speaker:would carry you all the way down to a core belief—if you kept questioning it,
Speaker:that is.
Speaker:Thea asks herself the three questions above.
Speaker:She then questions the very answers she gives,
Speaker:continuing on.
Speaker:“I’m bunking.
Speaker:I should be doing something useful with my life."
Speaker:What does “bunking” mean to you?
Speaker:“It means being a useless human.
Speaker:It means shirking your responsibilities and not being productive."
Speaker:Not Being Productive—Why Is That Such A Big Deal?
Speaker:“It’s a big deal because if you’re not being a valuable member of
Speaker:society,
Speaker:then what are you?"
Speaker:What does that mean to you,
Speaker:“valuable member of society”?
Speaker:“It means you work.
Speaker:You earn your place."
Speaker:What are you afraid of?
Speaker:“I don’t want to be that person,
Speaker:someone who is useless."
Speaker:Even if you were useless,
Speaker:would that be such a big deal?
Speaker:“Yes?"
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:What does it mean to be useless?
Speaker:“It means that you will be discarded."
Speaker:After a while,
Speaker:Thea starts to converge on something that feels profound.
Speaker:Her core belief goes something like this .- Unless I am providing value for
Speaker:others,
Speaker:then I have no value.
Speaker:If Thea digs even deeper,
Speaker:she may find a more fundamental belief still,
Speaker:i.e.,
Speaker:that she is essentially worthless as she is.
Speaker:That’s why she believes that she has to earn her worth—through work.
Speaker:Thea knows that she’s on to something with this belief because,
Speaker:once she identifies it,
Speaker:it’s like she can see it everywhere!
Speaker:She starts to notice how this main belief feeds into so many assumptions,
Speaker:biases,
Speaker:expectations,
Speaker:and attitudes.
Speaker:A core belief is not a sentence or phrase so much as it is a feeling.
Speaker:Many of us instill our core beliefs way before we even learn to speak,
Speaker:and that means they are pre-verbal,
Speaker:maybe even symbolic.
Speaker:We can express our beliefs in many different ways,
Speaker:but what matters is the feeling it conjures for us.
Speaker:The root is psychological and emotional,
Speaker:not verbal—so don’t worry too much about narrowing in on some special
Speaker:phrase or other.
Speaker:Step 3 .- Make Adjustments.
Speaker:The work Thea is doing is not unlike the work Clara did—it’s just on a
Speaker:deeper and more fundamental level.
Speaker:The final step is to start gently challenging and reworking these beliefs.
Speaker:Core beliefs wouldn’t be such a problem if they were broadly positive,
Speaker:life-affirming,
Speaker:rational,
Speaker:and based in reality.
Speaker:But let’s be honest,
Speaker:most of them aren’t!
Speaker:The final stage of this process is far,
Speaker:far easier said than done.
Speaker:It is not enough to simply identify a better core belief and replace it—it
Speaker:will feel as difficult and unnatural to do as changing your name or even
Speaker:starting to think of yourself as a different race or nationality.
Speaker:It will take time,
Speaker:so be patient.
Speaker:Intellectually understanding that there is a better core belief out there (“I
Speaker:have intrinsic value just by being me”)
Speaker:is not the same as feeling it.
Speaker:Remember,
Speaker:a core belief is not a string of words,
Speaker:it’s a feeling.
Speaker:So how do you change that core feeling that’s at the heart of your entire
Speaker:life?
Speaker:The answer is slowly.
Speaker:Every time you challenge the core belief,
Speaker:you weaken it.
Speaker:Every time you deliberately look for evidence for an alternative,
Speaker:you build up momentum for a different way of thinking—and feeling.
Speaker:Every time you give yourself the opportunity to behave differently and to
Speaker:achieve different results,
Speaker:you gradually loosen the grip of the old mentality and replace it with
Speaker:something else.
Speaker:It's important to emphasize,
Speaker:again,
Speaker:that simply knowing what the better belief is won’t be enough.
Speaker:You need to practice it.
Speaker:To really feel it.
Speaker:Remember that you only hold on to core beliefs because you’ve told yourself
Speaker:that story many,
Speaker:many times.
Speaker:Saying something different once or twice is not going to suddenly turn things
Speaker:around.
Speaker:In Thea’s case,
Speaker:she decides that she wants to shift her core belief to reflect the feeling of
Speaker:being good enough just as she is.
Speaker:How can she do this?
Speaker:Here are a few ideas -
Speaker:•Every time she notices that core belief pop up,
Speaker:she argues with it.
Speaker:She deliberately tells herself the opposite.
Speaker:“No,
Speaker:Thea,
Speaker:you don’t have to earn anything!
Speaker:You have value.
Speaker:Right now,
Speaker:without doing anything."
Speaker:She might not always believe it,
Speaker:but at least the same old story is not going unchallenged.
Speaker:•She creates opportunities for herself to feel that good-enough-as-I-am
Speaker:feeling.
Speaker:For example,
Speaker:she spends time with people she knows love her for who she is and not what she
Speaker:can or has achieved.
Speaker:She pauses to let this feeling really sink in and change her on a deep level.
Speaker:•She looks back retroactively to find evidence for her alternative belief.
Speaker:She looks at pictures of herself as a child to remind herself of how she was
Speaker:perfectly lovable and valuable even though she hadn’t earned any accolades
Speaker:and didn’t have an impressive resume.
Speaker:•She acts as though the alternative core belief were true,
Speaker:then adjusts to accommodate the outcome.
Speaker:If you believed fundamentally in your own innate worth,
Speaker:how would you act?
Speaker:Thea notices that she often belittles herself in company and puts herself down
Speaker:for being older and retired.
Speaker:But she realizes that if she believed in her value,
Speaker:she wouldn’t do this.
Speaker:She would instead be proud of her achievements,
Speaker:secure in herself,
Speaker:and carry her head high.
Speaker:So this is what she does.
Speaker:To her surprise,
Speaker:she starts to notice that this gradually shifts her perception and how she
Speaker:feels.
Speaker:You might have noticed the overlap between values and core beliefs.
Speaker:Values can be understood as conscious and positive—they are the guiding
Speaker:principles around which we wish to shape our lives.
Speaker:Core beliefs,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:especially if they’re harmful or negative,
Speaker:are unconscious.
Speaker:They also shape our lives,
Speaker:but in hidden and seldom positive ways.
Speaker:Identifying your values can give you a yardstick against which to compare the
Speaker:core beliefs that you actually hold.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:in Thea’s case,
Speaker:it is as though she has been living under the core “values” of lack of
Speaker:worth.
Speaker:What she is doing with the above,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:is restructuring her life so that it reflects a new value—the value of
Speaker:dignity,
Speaker:self-esteem,
Speaker:pride,
Speaker:and so on.
Speaker:What are your core beliefs?
Speaker:Be patient,
Speaker:have self-compassion,
Speaker:and have a genuine curiosity about those assumptions you hold most dear.
Speaker:It’s not important where these beliefs come from.
Speaker:They could be from early (or not so early)
Speaker:life experiences,
Speaker:from your upbringing,
Speaker:from a traumatic experience,
Speaker:from the culture around you ...or you may never know why they happen at all.
Speaker:What’s important is that with honest awareness,
Speaker:you have a say whether you want to keep believing in that assumption—or
Speaker:whether you’re ready to try imagining a different way of living.
Speaker:Part 4 .- Opposite Action.
Speaker:Your brain has evolved over tens of thousands of years to help you survive,
Speaker:learn,
Speaker:adapt,
Speaker:and thrive in a complex and changing environment.
Speaker:What about your emotions—what is their purpose?
Speaker:Well,
Speaker:it’s the same.
Speaker:Emotions can protect us,
Speaker:guide us,
Speaker:and help us survive just as surely as our problem-solving capacity and ability
Speaker:to be creative.
Speaker:That’s probably why most people now believe that suppressing your emotions is
Speaker:a bad idea—aren’t you supposed to feel what you feel,
Speaker:express it,
Speaker:own it?
Speaker:Well,
Speaker:yes and no.
Speaker:That’s because not all emotions are created equal.
Speaker:Remember Clara?
Speaker:Her cognitive power was both useful and harmful—it was her job to discern the
Speaker:difference and make conscious choices.
Speaker:It’s the same with emotions.
Speaker:While it’s true that it is never wrong to feel how we feel,
Speaker:it’s also true that too much emotion can be debilitating and work against us.
Speaker:Enter the technique of “opposite action."
Speaker:This technique is practiced in dialectical behavioral therapy (D. B. T. ),
Speaker:which was first developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan in the 1980s.
Speaker:The goal was not emotional suppression but emotional regulation.
Speaker:Unfortunately,
Speaker:modern life teaches us to block out or avoid our emotions.
Speaker:Most of us have a very distorted idea of what it means to “regulate” our
Speaker:emotions.
Speaker:Alcohol,
Speaker:drugs,
Speaker:and workaholism all help us avoid our emotions.
Speaker:The "tricks" our bodies use to constrain our emotional awareness (e.g.,
Speaker:holding the breath,
Speaker:muscle tension)
Speaker:only exacerbate anxiety,
Speaker:sadness,
Speaker:or physical difficulties (e.g.,
Speaker:migraines or digestive problems).
Speaker:According to D. B. T. ,
Speaker:every emotion has an action impulse.
Speaker:When we're afraid,
Speaker:we may want to flee the source of our uneasiness.
Speaker:With melancholy,
Speaker:we may retreat,
Speaker:isolate ourselves,
Speaker:or become passive.
Speaker:When furious,
Speaker:we may become defensive or attack.
Speaker:When practicing opposite action,
Speaker:we notice the emotion and action impulse.
Speaker:Then we do the opposite.
Speaker:Basically,
Speaker:we behave in a way that opposes the emotional impulse in order to dampen or
Speaker:downregulate our mood.
Speaker:This idea may contradict your presumption of how to dispel an unpleasant mood.
Speaker:It was once believed that engaging in a great deal of emotional expression
Speaker:would reduce powerful feelings through “catharsis."
Speaker:For instance,
Speaker:you may have heard that it’s helpful for an angry person to hit a punching
Speaker:bag and "blow off steam."
Speaker:However,
Speaker:recent psychological research has shown that this actually intensifies the
Speaker:emotion.
Speaker:The more you engage in an activity that is motivated by emotion,
Speaker:the more that behavior fuels your emotions.
Speaker:Thankfully,
Speaker:the opposite is also true.
Speaker:The more you participate in counter-emotional conduct (not anti-emotional
Speaker:conduct!),
Speaker:the less influence these strong negative emotions have on you.
Speaker:Steps To Regulate Your Emotions.
Speaker:Step 1 .- Ask whether a strong emotion is actually working for you There’s
Speaker:nothing wrong with emotion per se,
Speaker:and there isn’t even anything wrong with strong emotion.
Speaker:Without it,
Speaker:life would be pretty pointless,
Speaker:right?
Speaker:So,
Speaker:it’s not about which emotions are “negative” or which are “too
Speaker:strong,” but more about whether your internal emotional experience is
Speaker:actually something you want,
Speaker:and whether it’s helping or hindering you.
Speaker:A tool that can help you identify your emotions is the Emotion Wheel.
Speaker:You can also consult online lists of emotion words to help you put a finger on
Speaker:exactly what you’re feeling—which is a valuable exercise in itself!
Speaker:Once you’ve identified the emotion,
Speaker:ask what its consequences are.
Speaker:What thoughts and behaviors accompany it?
Speaker:Are these thoughts and actions in line with your values or your stated goals?
Speaker:Do you like how it’s playing out?
Speaker:Step 2 .- Identify the urge that comes with your emotion All emotions have
Speaker:evolved for a purpose—they inspire or inhibit actions.
Speaker:How does your emotion make you want to act?
Speaker:Here is a quick list of some of the urges that are associated with different
Speaker:feelings.
Speaker:•Anger .- Aggressively engaging or attacking
Speaker:•Disgust .- Avoiding or pushing away
Speaker:•Sadness .- Withdrawing from activity and disengaging from people
Speaker:•Fear .- Avoiding or escaping
Speaker:•Joy .- Engaging with people and engaging in activity Note that you don’t
Speaker:necessarily have to have engaged in this way—only that you feel compelled to.
Speaker:Note also that the impulse or the action can range from small to large,
Speaker:strong to weak.
Speaker:There may be more than one impulse,
Speaker:too.
Speaker:Step 3 .- Engage fully in the exact opposite behavior of the emotional urge
Speaker:Do this until you feel that the emotion has significantly lessened in
Speaker:intensity. Did you notice something?
Speaker:You are not trying to force the opposite emotion—but trying out the opposite
Speaker:action.
Speaker:Denying and suppressing emotion is not really possible or recommended.
Speaker:But if you change the way you’re acting,
Speaker:you may find that it’s far easier to manage and moderate emotions.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:for example,
Speaker:if you’re angry,
Speaker:your impulse might be to attack.
Speaker:What’s the opposite action to attacking?
Speaker:Retreating.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:you could take a short break,
Speaker:excuse yourself from a stressful conversation,
Speaker:go take a walk on your own to cool off,
Speaker:or have a long,
Speaker:vigorous workout to dissipate all that energy in a harmless direction.
Speaker:If you’re disgusted,
Speaker:you might want to retreat,
Speaker:but instead,
Speaker:try to approach the thing with curiosity.
Speaker:Instead of physically wincing and tensing your muscles,
Speaker:engage with the stimulus while consciously relaxing your body.
Speaker:If you’re depressed,
Speaker:your tendency might be to hide in a hovel and do nothing (like Nick!),
Speaker:but push yourself to do the opposite—go out and be active,
Speaker:meet people,
Speaker:connect,
Speaker:and do things—yes,
Speaker:even if you don’t feel like it.
Speaker:Remember that you are not trying to force a particular emotion;
Speaker:you are only consciously choosing an action.
Speaker:If you must,
Speaker:tell yourself you can feel whatever you like—as long as you still act in the
Speaker:way you chose.
Speaker:Have you ever noticed that you seem to be having a good time even though you
Speaker:were only a moment ago committed to being grumpy and in a bad mood?
Speaker:You won’t believe it at first,
Speaker:sure,
Speaker:but simply acting in a less depressed way may be what you need to fake it till
Speaker:you make it.
Speaker:Don’t worry if things feel fake at first.
Speaker:Try to do the opposite action for a little while—you can always revert back
Speaker:to another behavior if you really want.
Speaker:But make a deal with yourself that you will note the effects that opposite
Speaker:action has—is the original impulse still as strong?
Speaker:How do you feel now?
Speaker:Let’s look at an example.
Speaker:Jamie has what he suspects is a case of bipolar disorder,
Speaker:but his official psychiatric diagnosis is not important here.
Speaker:What is important is that Jamie often feels that he is at the mercy of his
Speaker:emotions and that they control his entire life.
Speaker:He goes through cycles where he is intensely motivated and excited by something
Speaker:new,
Speaker:only to find within a few weeks that objectively minor disappointments and
Speaker:setbacks have completely thrown him into despair,
Speaker:and then he is depressed,
Speaker:angry,
Speaker:irritated.
Speaker:Jamie is a passionate person,
Speaker:a deep thinker,
Speaker:sensitive,
Speaker:creative,
Speaker:and astute.
Speaker:His emotions are not wrong.
Speaker:But on the other hand,
Speaker:Jamie is seldom calm,
Speaker:content,
Speaker:satisfied,
Speaker:relaxed,
Speaker:or comfortable,
Speaker:and he would also like to occasionally feel at peace,
Speaker:or just neutral.
Speaker:He would be if he was more in control of how his emotions were expressed,
Speaker:when,
Speaker:and for how long.
Speaker:Here’s how he may begin to use the technique of opposite action to take back
Speaker:some control and awareness.
Speaker:Let’s say Jamie is approached by some interesting investors who want to work
Speaker:with him and help him launch his relatively successful business into entirely
Speaker:new domains.
Speaker:It’s an exciting proposition,
Speaker:and Jamie is indeed so excited that he doesn’t sleep properly for days.
Speaker:He becomes obsessed with the idea,
Speaker:feverishly making business plans and visualizing in vivid detail what his
Speaker:ultra-rich and successful future is going to look like.
Speaker:He is what psychologists would call manic.
Speaker:He becomes aware of this happening and stops.
Speaker:He brings out a journal and slows down his thoughts.
Speaker:For a few minutes,
Speaker:he simply writes down how he is feeling,
Speaker:without judgment.
Speaker:He then takes a look at the page and consults an Emotion Wheel to identify the
Speaker:kinds of emotions he’s experiencing and their intensity.
Speaker:Simply pausing this way and calling out the names of his emotions already give
Speaker:him a feeling of psychological distance and a degree of neutrality and control.
Speaker:He notices he is feeling invigorated,
Speaker:brave,
Speaker:excited,
Speaker:daring,
Speaker:optimistic,
Speaker:invincible,
Speaker:even euphoric.
Speaker:He then becomes curious about the effect these emotions are having on his life.
Speaker:What are the consequences?
Speaker:Well,
Speaker:he isn’t sleeping,
Speaker:for one,
Speaker:and that’s affecting his health.
Speaker:Come to think of it,
Speaker:he isn’t eating properly,
Speaker:either.
Speaker:When he pauses to notice it,
Speaker:there are a lot of things he has neglected by hyper-focusing on his promising
Speaker:new obsession - his physical fitness,
Speaker:his ordinary day job,
Speaker:his family commitments.
Speaker:He asks what kind of thoughts and actions result from these feelings and takes
Speaker:a few moments to write these thoughts down.
Speaker:“This is your big break;
Speaker:it’s all happening now."
Speaker:“You’re a genius."
Speaker:“Other people have no idea how big this is going to be."
Speaker:“Nothing matters more than this right now;
Speaker:this is it."
Speaker:Now,
Speaker:some people might say such vaulting confidence and self-assuredness is a good
Speaker:thing.
Speaker:But there are no good or bad emotions.
Speaker:In D. B. T. therapy,
Speaker:we are only interested in better understanding what these emotions are and how
Speaker:they play out—no value judgment needed.
Speaker:After journaling for some time,
Speaker:Jamie realizes that although he is feeling ultra-excited and fired up,
Speaker:these “good” emotions are actually wreaking havoc on his life.
Speaker:He realizes that the way he is behaving doesn’t actually align with his
Speaker:values.
Speaker:He sees a pattern.
Speaker:Because he tells himself,
Speaker:“Nothing matters more than this right now,” he gives himself permission to
Speaker:neglect everything else in his life.
Speaker:Then two things happen.
Speaker:First,
Speaker:the Big Plan falls apart (or,
Speaker:more realistically,
Speaker:is just a little less dazzling than it seemed at first),
Speaker:and then Jamie is crushed and depressed.
Speaker:Next,
Speaker:once he comes back down to earth,
Speaker:Jamie realizes that the rest of his life is in shambles because of the choices
Speaker:he made while chasing his latest obsession.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:this thought is a direct cause of feeling disappointed and depression and of
Speaker:certain concrete actions that undermine other important things in his life (for
Speaker:example,
Speaker:ignoring his girlfriend for a week straight).
Speaker:Emotions are neither good nor bad,
Speaker:but they can be useful or harmful—and if they get in the way of what matters,
Speaker:they’re definitely harmful no matter how good they feel in the moment or how
Speaker:rational or inevitable they seem at the time.
Speaker:Some self-regulation is required.
Speaker:Once Jamie has identified his emotions,
Speaker:he asks what impulses they lead to.
Speaker:He notes down in his journal that these feelings make him want to Take A Big
Speaker:Risk.
Speaker:Talk -Ellipses-A Lot.
Speaker:Start a dozen new sub projects and ideas.
Speaker:Spend Money Indiscriminately.
Speaker:Completely dismiss potential problems,
Speaker:hazards,
Speaker:and drawbacks.
Speaker:He knows that this behavior isn’t working for him.
Speaker:In fact,
Speaker:all of the above eventually lead,
Speaker:one way or another,
Speaker:to him crashing and burning into a depression a few weeks or months later.
Speaker:He doesn’t like that,
Speaker:either.
Speaker:What’s the opposite of the above?
Speaker:Be Cautious And Careful With Risk.
Speaker:Hold Your Tongue;
Speaker:Listen.
Speaker:Pick one project that matters most,
Speaker:or simply pause and reevaluate rather than jumping into something new.
Speaker:Save Money.
Speaker:Take into consideration hazards,
Speaker:drawbacks,
Speaker:and potential problems.
Speaker:One day Jamie wakes up to an exciting email from one of the new investors.
Speaker:They want him to meet a colleague of theirs who is an expert in a related field
Speaker:and is very keen to meet Jamie.
Speaker:The email is full of glowing praise and tempting offers.
Speaker:Jamie feels himself getting excited.
Speaker:He sees himself getting drawn into that strong emotional pull again (see why
Speaker:awareness is so important?).
Speaker:But he pauses.
Speaker:He looks at how he feels.
Speaker:He remembers his journaling work and decides to do the opposite.
Speaker:He takes his time composing a thoughtful but not over-the-top email.
Speaker:He dedicates a few hours to researching the viability of certain proposed ideas
Speaker:rather than immediately shopping for luxury yachts in his head.
Speaker:He tells himself he’s not spending any extra money for the next week or two.
Speaker:He asks questions and listens carefully to the answers he’s given.
Speaker:And within a few hours,
Speaker:he actually notices that he feels different.
Speaker:Calmer.
Speaker:More balanced.
Speaker:A few weeks later,
Speaker:something interesting happens .- Jamie begins to realize that the new investors
Speaker:are nothing but hot air,
Speaker:and that by moderating and regulating his emotions,
Speaker:he dodged a bullet and avoided getting embroiled in what could have been a
Speaker:costly and embarrassing mistake on his part.
Speaker:We’ll end Jamie’s story by restating that emotions are value neutral—it
Speaker:is up to us,
Speaker:our values,
Speaker:and our goals to determine whether an emotion is working or not.
Speaker:Then we can take responsibility to manage that emotion.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:for one person,
Speaker:a little of Jamie’s mega-confidence would be the direction to go,
Speaker:and caution and risk-aversion are the thing to avoid;
Speaker:for Jamie,
Speaker:it’s the other way around!
Speaker:Summary -
Speaker:•Many mental health problems come down to a lack of awareness of our own
Speaker:thoughts,
Speaker:feelings,
Speaker:and core beliefs.
Speaker:Being your own therapist requires the willingness to be honest,
Speaker:ask questions,
Speaker:and courageously take action according to the insights you glean.
Speaker:•In C. B. T. ,
Speaker:we understand that not all thoughts are for our benefit,
Speaker:and that thoughts,
Speaker:feelings,
Speaker:and actions are all connected.
Speaker:What has been learned can be unlearned,
Speaker:and we can take automatic,
Speaker:negative,
Speaker:unhelpful,
Speaker:and unconscious thoughts and deliberately transform them into conscious,
Speaker:helpful ones that allow us to live the kind of lives we want to live.
Speaker:•Using cognitive restructuring,
Speaker:we can rewrite or replace cognitive distortions,
Speaker:such as black-or-white thinking,
Speaker:catastrophizing,
Speaker:personalization,
Speaker:or mindreading.
Speaker:We become aware,
Speaker:we appraise the accuracy and usefulness of a thought,
Speaker:and then we rewrite it.
Speaker:•The behavioral activation theory approaches the problem on the behavioral
Speaker:level,
Speaker:telling us we need to act to feel better instead of waiting until we feel
Speaker:better to act.
Speaker:Monitor your routine,
Speaker:get in touch with your values and goals,
Speaker:then schedule activities that make you feel good,
Speaker:adjust and reappraising as you go.
Speaker:•Core beliefs are deeply held ideas that influence how we behave,
Speaker:our self-identity,
Speaker:and our attitudes.
Speaker:Using the downward arrow technique,
Speaker:we keep asking questions to uncover our core beliefs,
Speaker:which can be changed.
Speaker:•With the technique of opposite action,
Speaker:we engage fully in the exact opposite behavior of our initial emotional urge,
Speaker:and thus develop emotional regulation.
Speaker:This has been
Speaker:How to Therapize and Heal Yourself:
Speaker:15 Self-Therapy Techniques to Understand Your Past and Control Your Future Written by
Speaker:Nick Trenton, narrated by russell newton.
